Writing prompt 7 [Archive] - AbsolutePunk.net

fishingthe_sky

07/03/09, 06:56 PM

Hey guys. Sorry for being MIA from this forum for the last two weeks. Life's been fairly hectic, and poetry/lyrics are not in the front of my mind these days, but I'm trying to get back some regularity.

Last week wasn't our best in terms of submissions, but maybe this one will be better.

Anyway, in honor of the Fourth of July here in the States, I figured this prompt should be all about freedom. Therefore, this prompt will only require four things of you: 15-30 lines, at least two stanzas, using the words fireworks, liberty, and two of the following colors: red, white, or blue, and ice cream as a metaphor (and only a metaphor) in your poem. That's it. The poem can be about anything you want it to be, so long as the requirements are met (I'm looking at you, Artful).

As always, experience doesn't matter, and new people are encouraged to write for this. If you post a poem, though, you must comment on at least one other poem in the thread.

Good luck, and Happy Fourth of July to all those in the USA.

The Personist

07/03/09, 10:23 PM

I'm excited to break your rules and still make something quality.

oddwithoutend

07/06/09, 11:47 AM

07/06/09, 01:37 PM

These are tough requirements, I think I might ignore a couple. Haha

fishingthe_sky

07/06/09, 01:52 PM

I'm excited to break your rules and still make something quality.

These are tough requirements, I think I might ignore a couple. Haha
Well, it is a prompt about freedom... haha

07/06/09, 01:54 PM

Well, it is a prompt about freedom... haha

I was going to edit that because I'm squishing them in the poem as I write it, although I think everything but the firework will seem force. We shall see though.

edit/ are you saying it's okay because the prompt is about liberty? ha.

07/06/09, 02:12 PM

oddwithoutend

07/06/09, 05:55 PM

Well, I met the stupid requirements. I'm going to take the first stanza and rewrite the rest without the requirements later, because I feel that this just progressively worse after the first stanza and that I can make something really good out of this. Anyways, here it is.

As I sat and watched a barrage of colors
stream parallel to lightening bolts,
a showcased competition to see who
could light up the sky the most,

Decent opening. Fireworks could be conveyed in a more beautiful manner than what we have here, especially with the second line being a quite unneccessary use of pleonasm. A little too much telling here and not enough showing.

I couldn't help but to be reminded of how
everything fits together in certain patterns.
Wrapped together and kept away in different colors
and certain shapes, we wait until that moment we blow away
All the night's grays and escape the dullness that's held us here.
But I'm sure you've discovered by now
All of these lines are just words from my mouth.
I'm a firework dud Christie, I'll catch fire and never go off.

This part kind of makes me wonder if an overall idea has been set in place for this piece, or if it's merely a stab at profundity. I lean towards the latter because this poem fails to explain "the moment we blow away...escape the dullness". Furthermore, if the fireworks are going off already, why are we all waiting to "blow away all the night's grays"? Personaly, I do not find much cohesion throughout this poem's meaning.

It's these personal liberties,
the idea that I have no excuse
to remain the same
young foolish kid that I've been,
that frightens me to no extent.

While you decently continue to keep your flow and aesthetic in line, your meaning seems to still be a little confused. I find this contradicting because why would our freedom give us no excuse to be young and foolish? I could delve deeper into this stanza's meaning, but I'll instead just state that it seems disoriented in meaning.

As I sat and watched the sky lose its light
to the dying blues, reds, and whites,
I couldn't help but to be reminded of how
each second, minute, and hour are
compounded and then dissolve together into
importance or irrelevancies.
This day's been spent on nothing, but still
I feel like we got the best deal.
It was priceless like those commercials said,
but I'm sure you've discovered by now
All of these lines are just words from my mouth.
I'm a firework dud Christie, I'll catch fire and never go dark.

This is the best part, as it remains poetic but manages to convey your topic the best, 'Though I'm not sure of the reason you decided to change the last line to a more optimistic tone.

Overall, you seem to have a knack for aesthetics and flow, which made this poem a somewhat pleasurable read. Try to have a more cohesive meaning in mind next time around.

07/06/09, 06:20 PM

Decent opening. Fireworks could be conveyed in a more beautiful manner than what we have here, especially with the second line being a quite unneccessary use of pleonasm. A little too much telling here and not enough showing.

This part kind of makes me wonder if an overall idea has been set in place for this piece, or if it's merely a stab at profundity. I lean towards the latter because this poem fails to explain "the moment we blow away...escape the dullness". Furthermore, if the fireworks are going off already, why are we all waiting to "blow away all the night's grays"? Personaly, I do not find much cohesion throughout this poem's meaning.

I'll take into consideration the second line, and considering how I can shorten it, thanks. But I'm not sure why there's confusion over the fireworks going off. Yes, there's already fireworks going off, but I'm using fireworks as a metaphor when I say "we wait for the moment we blow away". "We" are waiting for our turn to blow up, to shine, to live, to shed away the mediocrity and dullness of our lives which is represented by the dark sky. The last line was meant to demonstrate frustration it never would happen. Is this what you were confused about, or have I completely missed it?

While you decently continue to keep your flow and aesthetic in line, your meaning seems to still be a little confused. I find this contradicting because why would our freedom give us no excuse to be young and foolish? I could delve deeper into this stanza's meaning, but I'll instead just state that it seems disoriented in meaning.

Perhaps I had bad word choice. I have these personal liberties that allow me to accomplish what I want, to do what I wish, but I've still chosen to stay young and foolish instead of maturing and growing up, and I have nothing to blame for this but myself. I had all these options, and I choose the wrong one.

This is the best part, as it remains poetic but manages to convey your topic the best, 'Though I'm not sure of the reason you decided to change the last line to a more optimistic tone.

Overall, you seem to have a knack for aesthetics and flow, which made this poem a somewhat pleasurable read. Try to have a more cohesive meaning in mind next time around.
Really? This was my least favorite part of it. I really thought this was the weakest section. The reason why it's changed from a pessimistic tone to an optimistic one is because the first section was suppose to carry a hopeful but doubtful belief on how things turn out, while the second half is suppose to have a carefree tone of how things turn out. I've probably just written this poorly.

Anyways, thanks for the feedback man, I appreciate it.By the way, I hope this isn't coming off as trying to tell you that you're wrong, I'm just trying to show you what I was intending for.

billyboatkid

07/06/09, 06:25 PM

Man these writing prompts are cool.

I wish I wasn't such a pussy and could share my stuff.

fishingthe_sky

07/06/09, 06:43 PM

Man these writing prompts are cool.

I wish I wasn't such a pussy and could share my stuff.
Simple solution: stop being a pussy. But seriously, you just need to go for it and post something, either something you've already written or something for this or any other of the prompts. The whole point of it is to get people to develop their talent and improve its products. If you come in with an open mind to constructive criticism and know that nothing said on a piece is personal, you might find it's not so bad sharing your stuff.

billyboatkid

07/06/09, 06:49 PM

Simple solution: stop being a pussy. But seriously, you just need to go for it and post something, either something you've already written or something for this or any other of the prompts. The whole point of it is to get people to develop their talent and improve its products. If you come in with an open mind to constructive criticism and know that nothing said on a piece is personal, you might find it's not so bad sharing your stuff.
haha thanks man. I appreciate that.
I'm pretty open to criticism.
I might try to post something up sooner rather than later..

Ryzenfall

07/06/09, 09:50 PM

Man these writing prompts are cool.

I wish I wasn't such a pussy and could share my stuff.

Hah. I think I'm going to try doing a prompt too. Here's your chance to hop on the newbie train at the same time. Go for it man.

The Personist

07/06/09, 10:14 PM

I'll work on this shortly. I wrote like 3 poems today and forgot to write one about freedom...mostly because I hate fishie and his rules.

oddwithoutend

07/07/09, 08:43 AM

I'll take into consideration the second line, and considering how I can shorten it, thanks. But I'm not sure why there's confusion over the fireworks going off. Yes, there's already fireworks going off, but I'm using fireworks as a metaphor when I say "we wait for the moment we blow away". "We" are waiting for our turn to blow up, to shine, to live, to shed away the mediocrity and dullness of our lives which is represented by the dark sky. The last line was meant to demonstrate frustration it never would happen. Is this what you were confused about, or have I completely missed it?
So the narrator literally is watching fireworks, and then he goes on to use them as a metaphor? It seemed to me the fireworks were being used as a metaphor from the very beginning, due to the "a showcased competition..." line. Now that I know that it goes from the narrator observing fireworks to him using them as a metaphor, I like the stanza a lot more. Maybe you could make the transition a bit clearer by altering the third line (as it seems to be a metaphor and a literal observation at the same time), or perhaps it's not so ambiguous and I'm just an idiot haha.

Perhaps I had bad word choice. I have these personal liberties that allow me to accomplish what I want, to do what I wish, but I've still chosen to stay young and foolish instead of maturing and growing up, and I have nothing to blame for this but myself. I had all these options, and I choose the wrong one.

I figured this would be your reply haha. In this case, I guess I just find it odd that it "frightens [you] to no extent". Possibly, it's not that you're "frightened", and a more precise word could have been used? Nothing to really harp on though.

Really? This was my least favorite part of it. I really thought this was the weakest section. The reason why it's changed from a pessimistic tone to an optimistic one is because the first section was suppose to carry a hopeful but doubtful belief on how things turn out, while the second half is suppose to have a carefree tone of how things turn out. I've probably just written this poorly.

haha No you haven't written this poorly at all. But I would say that your first stanza will be superior after a couple minor changes. The change in tone seems quite abrupt though, to be honest. You could do it more subtly if you smoothly incorporated an increasingly optimistic diction as the poem progresses.

Anyways, thanks for the feedback man, I appreciate it.By the way, I hope this isn't coming off as trying to tell you that you're wrong, I'm just trying to show you what I was intending for.

No, it's cool that you seem to be taking criticism well. And no worries, I like your poem a little bit more every time I read it.

Ryzenfall

07/09/09, 02:38 AM

So here's my first attempt. All the requirements are met i believe...

With a cavalier click the machine spits
Giving life to light, sputtering slightly.
I’m remiss enough to reminisce
Under opiate sheen pochette brushed scenes.

Between fireworks’ eaves my pondering weaves
To arrive in warm myth short of thoroughly lived.
You interrogate my thoughts in a wind lithely caught.
These stones tread upon led to your blithe moving on.

Blent demure brave and sweet, for a mélange unique.
Neapolitan stage set to our escapades.
Though your drippy resolves made my liberty stalled
As red and white bled down to miasma brown.

Slipping back from pastimes like a writhing spine.
The score applauding the smiling frauds.
A fade to black cues the gallery’s clapping.
In my head credits flow to malaise of my own
Although few, I can’t make out the names as they roll.

Burn_Burn_Burn

07/09/09, 03:51 AM

Ryzenfall

07/13/09, 04:54 AM

Well, I met the stupid requirements. I'm going to take the first stanza and rewrite the rest without the requirements later, because I feel that this just progressively worse after the first stanza and that I can make something really good out of this. Anyways, here it is.

As I sat and watched a barrage of colors
stream parallel to lightening bolts,
a showcased competition to see who
could light up the sky the most,
I couldn't help but to be reminded of how
everything fits together in certain patterns.
Wrapped together and kept away in different colors
and certain shapes, we wait until that moment we blow away
All the night's grays and escape the dullness that's held us here.
But I'm sure you've discovered by now
All of these lines are just words from my mouth.
I'm a firework dud Christie, I'll catch fire and never go off.

I liked the imagery here, but I agree that the fireworks image could be presented in a fresher way. The repetition of the word "certain" seems to hurt the stanza a bit. Not really a repetition but fireworks and fire seem a little bit redundant there in the same line. I really liked the usage of "Christie" there though. For some reason, it made this more memorable.

It's these personal liberties,
the idea that I have no excuse
to remain the same
young foolish kid that I've been,
that frightens me to no extent.

As I sat and watched the sky lose its light
to the dying blues, reds, and whites,
I couldn't help but to be reminded of how
each second, minute, and hour are
compounded and then dissolve together into
importance or irrelevancies.
This day's been spent on nothing, but still
I feel like we got the best deal.
It was priceless like those commercials said,
but I'm sure you've discovered by now
All of these lines are just words from my mouth.
I'm a firework dud Christie, I'll catch fire and never go dark.

I also am not sure why you chose to make the last firework line more positive. I'm a fan of the narrative ending on positivity, but it just seems to be out of place considering the rest of the poem around it is in an entirely different mood.

It's these personal liberties,
the idea that I have no excuse
to remain the same
young foolish kid that I've been,
that frightens me to no extent.

The short stanza is great. Great concept expressed well.

MinionOfBoredom

07/13/09, 09:55 AM

My first ever shot at this. I don't think that I missed anything...

To be has its merits. I
mean, what could be better: to not be?
Granted, we'd be free to fly with the red
and white stripes of nonexistence, or at most
conceptualism -- tinted blue by a hint of
cynicism, but it's only in our heads,
right? Because to not be: just
think of all the implications! We'd
be free as birds, as they say, roaming
the streets of fiction, but that would be paradoxical:
sooner or later we'd run into freedom there,
maybe down by one of those nihilist bars, drinking
itself into a stupor and slurring out how it can't
wait to jump into existence with its imagined
friends that are already there. And we can't be
what isn't, not even in the liberty of nihility
where ice cream and fireworks are distant memories,
by now laughing and playing in the constraints of fact,
because, as they've proven, to be is just too damn fun.

----

Fireworks explode in the sky.
A shallow metaphor for what we believe in

We have the power to be the powerful
But we use that power for war

Throwing cynicism in the readers' faces is well and good and all, but it also makes the rest of the poem fairly predictable. I guess it works if you're trying to make a strong, bold point, but for something like criticism of the "system," so to speak, I think that subtle hints work better.

Help us! Save us! O noble Arabs!
Give us the black gold we need to survive.

The red is the obvious blood of our soldiers
Fighting a war with an outcome more painful than not

The white is the all powerful politician
Lying and battling his citizens for a lone vote.

The blue is the sky that we look at
With fireworks exploding and lighting the sky with smoke

The ice cream is the obliviousness that we take in stride
Sitting on couches and never experiencing outside.

The red, white, blue, and ice cream aren't obvious references to the fireworks (at least, to me they weren't.) I liked the metaphors, though; they were fun, if not a tad cliched, but they all carry their message home.

Just a technical thing, by the way: a politician can be "battling his citizens," but cannot be "lying his citizens."

My country, 'tis of thee, sweet land of liberty
You are not free.
I just sang this, and it has quite a catch to it...hm. ;)

Ryzenfall

07/13/09, 02:25 PM

The Personist

07/13/09, 04:48 PM

Will not read. Rules = broken but given that it's quite good.

fishingthe_sky

07/13/09, 09:09 PM

Will not read. Rules = broken but given that it's quite good.
You'll read it and you'll read it with a smile.

The Personist

07/13/09, 09:10 PM

You'll read it and you'll read it with a smile.

Make me.

fishingthe_sky

07/14/09, 08:41 AM

Turbulence

Soaring the sky with eyes wide and white,
A pilot glares the patterns below
Green and red fireworks to stain on the stars
Thunder replaced by passing cars;
Not for me

I can still taste your liberty:
"Oh, how I wish I could fly!"
And melted ice cream on your tongue
I swear before I wore these wings I was young

And sweet was the moment my feet felt the air
But when I saw no return
I lit up the sky to see the birds burn
And now I'm alone

The dove will fly 'til his wings are shot
And we'll only eat our words when they rot

There are some interesting bits to this poem, but I found myself struggling at times to make sense of what you're trying to say. Some of this is due to your lack of punctuation, some of this is due to the disjointed nature of some of your lines in relation to the lines surrounding them (examples being the fourth line of the first stanza and the third line of the second stanza, which come awkwardly about and don't serve any purpose in building or expanding an image/idea). I've bolded a couple instances: in the first stanza, you can get rid of those extra words that only hinder the flow; in the third, I would consider changing it to "the sweet moment," because "sweet was the moment" sounds both hackneyed and anachronistic for a poem like this (you could also probably think of a better adjective than sweet). Finally, the last couplet doesn't arrive at any clear conclusion given the narrative you have in the poem; what exactly do eating one's words have to do with what's going on in the poem? It sounds wax poetic, and perhaps in another poem it would work, but here it doesn't capture any emotive condition present in the poem itself. This all being said, it's not a bad piece, for there is a narrative and image structure there that could be expanded/fleshed out into a solid piece. It's more cohesive than perhaps my critique lets on.

As I sat and watched a barrage of colors
stream parallel to lightening bolts,
a showcased competition to see who
could light up the sky the most,
I couldn't help but to be reminded of how
everything fits together in certain patterns.
Wrapped together and kept away in different colors
and certain shapes, we wait until that moment we blow away
All the night's grays and escape the dullness that's held us here.
But I'm sure you've discovered by now
All of these lines are just words from my mouth.
I'm a firework dud Christie, I'll catch fire and never go off.

It's these personal liberties,
the idea that I have no excuse
to remain the same
young foolish kid that I've been,
that frightens me to no extent.

As I sat and watched the sky lose its light
to the dying blues, reds, and whites,
I couldn't help but to be reminded of how
each second, minute, and hour are
compounded and then dissolve together into
importance or irrelevancies.
This day's been spent on nothing, but still
I feel like we got the best deal.
It was priceless like those commercials said,
but I'm sure you've discovered by now
All of these lines are just words from my mouth.
I'm a firework dud Christie, I'll catch fire and never go dark.

It's these personal liberties,
the idea that I have no excuse
to remain the same
young foolish kid that I've been,
that frightens me to no extent.
So, I've gone through and bolded a bunch of stuff, so I'm just going to address each bolded part one by one.
-The two instances of colors in this stanza is repetitive in a way that makes you seem unimaginative (the old lyrical mantra of not rhyming a word with itself). This isn't to say you are unimaginative, and there isn't anything wrong with reusing a word in a stanza, but your use of it twice at the end of a line is simply sloppy.
-"I couldn't.../patterns" is an OK idea for a poem, but you have to make it sound/look/feel like it's some astute observation, not something that people have been saying since the stone age (I'm being dramatic, but you get the idea). The idea is good, the presentation is not. You can do many good things with the idea of patterns in terms of imaginative images or metaphors.
-"All these lines..." is both an obvious statement and one we've heard many times before. It's unnecessary to call attention to this and to use such a hackneyed phrase in doing so.
-I know the prompt called for fireworks to be used as a word, so I'm not finding fault with that. In the line itself, though, it sounds redundant to say fireworks then fire, and the line sounds much better without the fireworks (I'm saying this if you want to revise it, which I think you should. This is a solid poem).
-I've bolded that second short stanza not because it's bad (I actually think it's the best part, and I like it a lot), but because there's no need for it to be here twice, and it's way more effective as the end of the poem. The same goes for the last 4 lines of the third stanza, which you should get rid of. This poem's too short for a refrain, and a refrain should not be this long if it is to be effective.
-Going through the different measurements of time is a tired trick. Give us the most important measurement and make it count.
-Make this "irrelevance," so it complements and coincides with "importance."

With a cavalier click the machine spits
Giving life to light, sputtering slightly.
I’m remiss enough to reminisce
Under opiate sheen pochette brushed scenes.

Between fireworks’ eaves my pondering weaves
To arrive in warm myth short of thoroughly lived.
You interrogate my thoughts in a wind lithely caught.
These stones tread upon led to your blithe moving on.

Blent demure brave and sweet, for a mélange unique.
Neapolitan stage set to our escapades.
Though your drippy resolves made my liberty stalled
As red and white bled down to miasma brown.

Slipping back from pastimes like a writhing spine.
The score applauding the smiling frauds.
A fade to black cues the gallery’s clapping.
In my head credits flow to malaise of my own
Although few, I can’t make out the names as they roll.

I appreciate your attempts to create a "rhyme scheme" with all of the internal rhymes, but to be honest it got quite tedious after the first stanza. For one, having rhymes be contained within every 8 or so words is far too much for it to be effective. One of the key strengths of internal rhyme is that it is an instance of harmony in one unit (the line) where it normally takes two or more units; when a rhyme scheme is created from internal rhymes, though, they lose their potency by the compression. Another hindering factor is that almost all of your lines are end stopped. There's no flow to this piece at all, and this amplifies the tedium of the internal rhymes, which are best used when you have a poem that flows from line to line. There might also be too many obscure-ish words (pochette, blithe, lithe, blent(which is not exactly obscure, but blended is a better choice, I think), miasma) in this poem; I am all for flexing vocabulary muscles, but there needs to be a balance. Don't let the possibility of using a "GRE word" overshadow using the most effective word; sometimes using a big word diminishes the potency of a line because it obscures the immediacy or relevancy of meaning, and while expanding a reader's vocabulary is a worthwhile endeavor, you do not want the reader to have to sit there with a dictionary in hand in order to make your poem understandable.

Don't think that I dislike this poem, though, because I certainly do not dislike it (sorry for the double negative). I think I'm critiquing it so much because I want to like it more than I do. The imagery is good, the movement of ideas is good, and it has a good emotive core. There are just too many things detracting from my enjoyment of it, and it's frustrating to me.

Fireworks explode in the sky.
A shallow metaphor for what we believe in

We have the power to be the powerful
But we use that power for war

Help us! Save us! O noble Arabs!
Give us the black gold we need to survive.

The red is the obvious blood of our soldiers
Fighting a war with an outcome more painful than not

The white is the all powerful politician
Lying and battling his citizens for a lone vote.

The blue is the sky that we look at
With fireworks exploding and lighting the sky with smoke

The ice cream is the obliviousness that we take in stride
Sitting on couches and never experiencing outside.

My country, 'tis of thee, sweet land of liberty
You are not free.
I see that you're going for a bold-faced critique of American patriotism, but the obvious spelling-out of everything makes this poem seemed dumbed down and rather boring. Telling us "this is a metaphor" "this stands for so and so" "here's another obvious simile" is more suited for writing an explication than writing a poem. The whole point of these techniques are to utilize them and make something powerful and imaginative, not spell out ideas. Your last couplet is a nice, though fairly simple (in fact, it almost sounds familiar, as there are many political rappers who do things like this) turn of phrase, though.

To be has its merits. I
mean, what could be better: to not be?
Granted, we'd be free to fly with the red
and white stripes of nonexistence, or at most
conceptualism -- tinted blue by a hint of
cynicism, but it's only in our heads,
right? Because to not be: just
think of all the implications! We'd
be free as birds, as they say, roaming
the streets of fiction, but that would be paradoxical:
sooner or later we'd run into freedom there,
maybe down by one of those nihilist bars, drinking
itself into a stupor and slurring out how it can't
wait to jump into existence with its imagined
friends that are already there. And we can't be
what isn't, not even in the liberty of nihility
where ice cream and fireworks are distant memories,
by now laughing and playing in the constraints of fact,
because, as they've proven, to be is just too damn fun.
This gets better as it goes on, though to be honest this sort of poetic musing isn't my cup of tea. That's not to say that you don't do it well; this is one of the better musings I've seen. I find myself thinking this reads more like some pseudo-poetic journal entry than an actual poem, though. It's a bit too colloquial, a bit too scant on imagery or metaphoric conceits that are affecting, a bit too "think of this, but what about that?" for me to consider this an existential poem instead of an existential musing thrown into lines. It's a nice tip of the hat to Shakespeare, though.
Make me.
Please?

The Personist

07/14/09, 02:51 PM

LOOK AT ME I'M FISHINGTHE_SKY AND I LIKE CRITIQUING

Please?

Sure thing.

fishingthe_sky

07/14/09, 03:08 PM

Sure thing.
Hahaha. Dick.

The Personist

07/14/09, 03:14 PM

Hahaha. Dick.

You love me. And I've posted tons of stuff outside your prompt because I'm ridiculous.

archerboy

07/14/09, 06:55 PM

16 lines in couplets. More than two stanzas. Used red, white, blue, and even ice cream. Enjoy. This was totally impromptu.
___________________________________ ___________________________________ _____________________________

Fireworks explode in the sky.
A shallow metaphor for what we believe in

We have the power to be the powerful Somewhat cheesy but I like
But we use that power for war

Help us! Save us! O noble Arabs! I couldn't help but giggle
Give us the black gold we need to survive.

The red is the obvious blood of our soldiers
Fighting a war with an outcome more painful than not

The white is the all powerful politician
Lying and battling his citizens for a lone vote.

The blue is the sky that we look at
With fireworks exploding and lighting the sky with smoke

The ice cream is the obliviousness that we take in stride Even though it's required, it doesn't work for me
Sitting on couches and never experiencing outside.

My country, 'tis of thee, sweet land of liberty
You are not free.

I liked; a little too straightforward, but still good. I always, this is me btw, just feel like couplets need rhyming. Dunno why

Okay, well mine is absolute crap. Like, I don't even know why I'm submitting this... but oh well. It feels too forced and too disconnected, but hey, I had a rough day :D

-------------------
Hence, the situation has returned into subjectivity,
The denial, the unperturbed acceptance;
And yet as preposterous as the notion falls –
Amassing the hands into a false idol
Praying to a Being - painted in the pristine eyes of a lover;
As absurd the liberty of my descent,
There is hope, there is a yearning beyond the arms
Grasping but flailing; and in the drowning state, one can dote upon past grievances:
The broken tears, the collapsed pews, the erected defeat

And in the mindless frame that compasses I, I had embarked upon that delirious journey
Following the Being’s blinding white light,
That ‘shall excavate one’s soul’;
And like the Eucharist before me, the brother hood of lies melted
And was scooped upon the hands of strangers lacking any sort of directions;
Repetitions take hold of guilty grief and the red pours forth,
Bleeding from the skies, these fireworks of destruction hang over thee;
And as the never ending epiphany that scours my dreams translates its programmed code,
So too did my motions take hold and the painful present opened my covered eyes;

And upon my lap laid the deliverance from the sins of my thoughts
And upon my head rested the deliverer from the sights of my sins;
As the hymn neared its end, the Creator simply sat and grinned at my gushing free will;
Hence, I lay here outstretched, barrel in one hand, doubt in the other
Gazing at the sky that had gave me it all
And the grin that doted freedom on both our faces
Faded in to the realm of strife.

---------------------
Before I was going to steal a line from another poem of mine "Give me liberty or give me myself" but it wasn't enough to actually show that ourselves = death. Oh well :D

Ryzenfall

07/15/09, 10:27 PM

I appreciate your attempts to create a "rhyme scheme" with all of the internal rhymes, but to be honest it got quite tedious after the first stanza. For one, having rhymes be contained within every 8 or so words is far too much for it to be effective. One of the key strengths of internal rhyme is that it is an instance of harmony in one unit (the line) where it normally takes two or more units; when a rhyme scheme is created from internal rhymes, though, they lose their potency by the compression. Another hindering factor is that almost all of your lines are end stopped. There's no flow to this piece at all, and this amplifies the tedium of the internal rhymes, which are best used when you have a poem that flows from line to line. There might also be too many obscure-ish words (pochette, blithe, lithe, blent(which is not exactly obscure, but blended is a better choice, I think), miasma) in this poem; I am all for flexing vocabulary muscles, but there needs to be a balance. Don't let the possibility of using a "GRE word" overshadow using the most effective word; sometimes using a big word diminishes the potency of a line because it obscures the immediacy or relevancy of meaning, and while expanding a reader's vocabulary is a worthwhile endeavor, you do not want the reader to have to sit there with a dictionary in hand in order to make your poem understandable.

Don't think that I dislike this poem, though, because I certainly do not dislike it (sorry for the double negative). I think I'm critiquing it so much because I want to like it more than I do. The imagery is good, the movement of ideas is good, and it has a good emotive core. There are just too many things detracting from my enjoyment of it, and it's frustrating to me.

Thanks for the comments and kind words. I had the first stanza almost completely conceived as a whole, stemming from the first line. That first line was the culprit of all this. I decided to go along with the internal near rhymes found in the first line and most of the time felt pretty restrained. I guess I was following some guideline that wasn't actually a rule at all, rather one that should have been broken. Your advice about the meaning to the reader is valuable, and i'll try and revise a lot of my work based on that, as it's something that I'd want being a reader trying to grasp others' work.

Ryzenfall

07/20/09, 04:38 AM

Okay, here's a revised copy.

With a cavalier click the machine spits
giving life to light, sputtering slightly.
I’m remiss enough to reminisce
under such opiate string brushed scenes.

Through firework eaves my pondering wove
to arrive in warm myth short of thoroughly lived.
You interrogate my thoughts in a wind lithely caught
in flytrap lashes parted for a starry Venus and her winking twin.

Blended demure brave and sweet, a mélange unique
set the Neapolitan stage to our novice-like escapades.
But your drippy resolves made my liberty as stalled
as the red and white bleeding into a sick brown lull.

Slipping back from pastimes like a drunk writhing spine.
The score applauding the smiling frauds until
a fade to black cues the gallery’s clapping.
In my head credits flow to a malaise of my own
and although few, I can’t make out the names as they roll.

10/08/09, 08:21 PM

I think this is the first revision I've done of these and it was on a spur of the moment, although I really like it. Thoughts?

Lying sprawled out in the weeping grass
Watching as a barrage of colors explode
In parallel screaming lightening bolts;
A showcased competition to see who could
Light up the sky the most.

(The blues won, the blues won)

I couldn't help but to see similarities
In how everything fits inside those
Golden rectangles, the boxes we draw,
And the edges we cut ourselves on.

And wrapped together, sunk in powder
We wait on thinning sticks to be lit
So we can blow away the night's grays
And escape the dullness that's held us here.
And I'm sure you've realized this by now,
But I'm a dud Christie, I'll catch fire and never go off.

Mimicking the grass, I watched as
The sky loss its light to the dying
Blues, reds, and whites. Oh, it's how
We're all go out; a single flash in the night.

(A sudden burst, a push of wind)

It's these personal liberties,
The idea that I have no excuse
To remain this same
Young foolish kid that I've been,
That frightens me to no extent.

And I'm sure you've realized this by now,
But I'm a dud Christie, I'll catch fire and never go off.

Ryzenfall

10/09/09, 04:49 PM

I think this is the first revision I've done of these and it was on a spur of the moment, although I really like it. Thoughts?
[/I]

Quote and remind. I'm glad to see this forum isn't completely dead.

10/10/09, 05:51 AM

Quote and remind. I'm glad to see this forum isn't completely dead.

Quoted. I'll also try to comment on yours either Sunday or Monday.

Ryzenfall

10/12/09, 07:08 PM

*****

Lying sprawled out in the weeping grass
Can I just say, I love this line.

Watching as a barrage of colors explode
In parallel screaming lightening bolts;
A showcased competition to see who could
Light up the sky the most.
I still really like this idea, it's playful and theatrical, but I still feel like the words get in the way of the image. Language in this case is merely a means of building a path to the picture in your head. Some take longer to get there and some go someplace else entirely. I think that you could build a bridge to get there faster and more towards the middle of what you are seeing and feeling.

Barrage sounds clunky next to "colors explode" for some reason. The "showcased competition" is unnecessary, because fireworks are no hidden thing, and if you say the personified want to light up the sky "the most" it's already established as a competition.

Also, I hate to be that guy, but it's spelled "lightning."

(The blues won, the blues won)
I like this. It invests your emotions into the events. I think this could even use some exclamation points.

I couldn't help but to see similarities
In how everything fits inside those
Golden rectangles, the boxes we draw,
And the edges we cut ourselves on.
This could be chopped as well. The idea is complex and i think, because the language is a bit simple, it would be wise to get the point across to the reader as soon as possible, which seems to come together at the last line.

Maybe something like:

I couldn't help but see
How everything fits
Inside those golden rectangles
and the edges we cut ourselves on.

Or whatever you want, but in a way that'll get to the punch line, if you will, faster.

And wrapped together, sunk in powder
We wait on thinning sticks to be lit
So we can blow away the night's grays
And escape the dullness that's held us here.
And I'm sure you've realized this by now,
But I'm a dud Christie, I'll catch fire and never go off.
Solid stanza. I think "light" might work better than "to be lit" but I can't decide yet.

Mimicking the grass, I watched as
The sky loss its light to the dying
Blues, reds, and whites. Oh, it's how
We're all go out; a single flash in the night.

This could be a lot better than it already is if:
A. You told us how you were mimicking the grass.
B. The second line were a bit more creatively written. Seems a bit cliche, especially coming off of a strong stanza like the one previous.

(A sudden burst, a push of wind)

It's these personal liberties,
The idea that I have no excuse
To remain this same
Young foolish kid that I've been,
That frightens me to no extent.
Still the most memorable stanza for me in this piece. The wording still feels a bit less fluid than it could be ("kid" and "remain this same" seem a bit odd), but I really love this part.

And I'm sure you've realized this by now,
But I'm a dud Christie, I'll catch fire and never go off.
The repetition of this makes this line memorable and lyrical. I like it.

Overall, you've made huge improvements and i think with some tweaking this can feel like one animal instead of a collection of petting zoo creatures in the same phylum <--- (painfully ostentatious metaphor alert. It is late, thus, I am half insane.) Also, please keep writing. You are one of my poesy accountability partners.

10/12/09, 08:29 PM

Okay, here's a revised copy.

With a cavalier click the machine spits
giving life to light, sputtering slightly.
I’m remiss enough to reminisce
under such opiate string brushed scenes.

Man, there seems to be a lot going on here. I like "cavalier click" but having the internal rhyme with "machine spits" right after seems to detract from the line or rather draw unneeded attention to it. Do you know what I mean? I love the last two lines.

Through firework eaves my pondering wove
to arrive in warm myth short of thoroughly lived.
You interrogate my thoughts in a wind lithely caught
in flytrap lashes parted for a starry Venus and her winking twin.

The first two lines are awkward and I think they could really be improved by rewording because I had trouble trying to understand what you were actually saying. The third line just seems too blunt and stands out compared to the other lines surrounding it, while the fourth line is not vague but definitely not at all as blunt as the third. I'd also say I prefer the original first line with "weaves" in it and that I really liked the imagery of "flytrap ashes.

Blended demure brave and sweet, a mélange unique
set the Neapolitan stage to our novice-like escapades.
But your drippy resolves made my liberty as stalled
as the red and white bleeding into a sick brown lull.

The first two lines have such a good flow and feel to them and I especially liked the phrase "novice-like escapades". The internal rhyming in those first two lines seem so natural and unintended, while the third seems forced and hinders the flow that was going on and it's just unnecessary I think because you can obviously rephrase that line better.

Slipping back from pastimes like a drunk writhing spine.
The score applauding the smiling frauds until
a fade to black cues the gallery’s clapping.
In my head credits flow to a malaise of my own
and although few, I can’t make out the names as they roll.

I loved this minus the first line and I could see myself liking it if it wasn't for "writhing spine". First off, it seems unnecessary and forced. Second, it just doesn't match up with the imagery of the rest of the stanza. Again though, minus that line, this was a really solid stanza.

Overall, this definitely has potential to be really good but I think the internal rhymes are hindering it. Also, as Kevin said earlier, I think some word choices could be better and more reader friendly but you improved on that a lot in this version. Although, I've never taken a poetry class in my life so who knows, this is just the opinion of a reader/naive writer, so maybe just take what I say with a grain of salt?

Ryzenfall

10/12/09, 08:38 PM

((((((Man, there seems to be a lot going on here.)))))))

No, you are totally right. I forgot about this re-write and looking at it, i tried to take apart some internal rhymes at first, but it definitely was a band-aid job where surgery was required. The original was too much style getting in the way of the storytelling and i think i'm just going to get over the style here and just tell the story. I feel it's worth it, letting go my desire to appear clever with my little rhymes, for the sake of getting this piece to say what's in it with fluid clarity.

I'll attempt a re-rewrite soon. Thanks for the feedback!

Also, a special request:

I'm currently working on what is at the moment a 10 page beast. I posted a portion of it called "We'll always have Location B" recently on this thread and I'd love to have you look at it. Thanks man.

10/12/09, 08:43 PM

No, you are totally right. I forgot about this re-write and looking at it, i tried to take apart some internal rhymes at first, but it definitely was a band-aid job where surgery was required. The original was too much style getting in the way of the storytelling and i think i'm just going to get over the style here and just tell the story. I feel it's worth it, letting go my desire to appear clever with my little rhymes, for the sake of getting this piece to say what's in it with fluid clarity.

I'll attempt a re-rewrite soon. Thanks for the feedback!

Also, a special request:

I'm currently working on what is at the moment a 10 page beast. I posted a portion of it called "We'll always have Location B" recently on this thread and I'd love to have you look at it. Thanks man.

Well, when you do edit this again, please, please, PLEASE don't change anything with "Blended demure brave and sweet, a mélange unique set the Neapolitan stage to our novice-like escapades." I love that so much.

And I remember that...I'll look at it tonight and try to comment on it by tomorrow or Wednesday.

Btw, in reference to my poem, the "mimicking the grass" was a toss back to "weeping grass". I just had to get that out there, lol.

Ryzenfall

10/12/09, 08:48 PM

Well, when you do edit this again, please, please, PLEASE don't change anything with "Blended demure brave and sweet, a mélange unique set the Neapolitan stage to our novice-like escapades." I love that so much.

And I remember that...I'll look at it tonight and try to comment on it by tomorrow or Wednesday.

Btw, in reference to my poem, the "mimicking the grass" was a toss back to "weeping grass". I just had to get that out there, lol.

Haha. Thanks for the encouragement. I'll probably leave it for now. I still am bothered with "novice-like." I SO wanted that part to be either just one or two syllables. But I couldn't find a way that wasn't stupid. Yet.

Okay, glad you got that out. The grass line makes a bit more sense now.

And that piece I wrote. It is longer than longcat put through a stretcher. I'm warning you. The feeble have been instantly put off. David told me so.

Ryzenfall

10/19/09, 04:27 PM

a toss back to "weeping grass"

Here's a revision. I have some thoughts on it, but tell me what you think first.

With a cavalier click the machine awakes
giving life to light, sputtering slightly.
I’m remiss enough to reminisce
beneath such opiate string brushed scenes.

My pondering wove through firework eaves
to arrive at warm myths, short of thoroughly spun.
You plunder my mind in a wind lithely caught
between flytrap lashes charily parted
for a starry Venus and her winking twin.

Blended demure brave and sweet, a mélange unique,
set the Neapolitan stage to our novice-like escapades.
But your drippy resolves made my sanction as slight
as the red and white bleeding into a sick brown lull.

Slipping back from pastimes like a sedative stray
The score applauding the smiling frauds
until a fade to black cues the gallery’s clapping.
In my head credits flow to a malaise of my own
and although few, I can’t make out the names as they roll.