Static

[as_we_learn]

Oh gravity you sulk and steal my mortal
purpose to excel into the sky,
Those stars tease us with such delight.
We'll never awe the space between
ourselves and failed divinity.

When will we be freed from this cosmic contract?
Pour the light into our mouths and
watch us tilt back until the smallest speck of dark
gets washed away by the peace that passes understanding.

The static in the televisions got me praying
for my lover and family to be safe.
Now the smoke is filling up the air, extinguishes hope
of becoming more in all of this sweet space.

I'm a thread of living doubt in this fabric of time,
holding together this seam before it unravels
the unholy truth, we have been abandoned.
So let's take these lovely seconds and slowly unwind,
forget religion for a while, believe in one another.

Love is all we ever had and will understand
when our lives begin to rust in the past.

[lew_1987]

This was really good, except for the second to last paragraph, which felt a bit awkward to me. I had to read over it a couple of times before I could take it in.

[matt_rawlings]

Oh gravity you sulk and steal my mortal
purpose to excel into the sky,
Those stars tease us with such delight.
We'll never awe the space between
ourselves and failed divinity.

This was nice. I didn't really feel any sense of metre or rhythmn but the imagery is very good.



When will we be freed from this cosmic contract?
Pour the light into our mouths and
watch us tilt back until the smallest speck of dark
gets washed away by the peace that passes understanding.


The first line doesn't make a whole lot of sense to me. The last two lines are solid, especially the inclusion of the line 'the peace that passes understanding'. As you may know, I think that is a great phrase


The static in the televisions got me praying
for my lover and family to be safe.
Now the smoke is filling up the air, extinguishes hope
of becoming more in all of this sweet space.

I can't really tell how this carries on from the first two stanzas, but I would like to know. I think this isn't as intelligently written as the other stanzas but not bad by any means


I'm a thread of living doubt in this fabric of time,
holding together this seam before it unravels
the unholy truth, we have been abandoned.
So let's take these lovely seconds and slowly unwind,
forget religion for a while, believe in one another.

I think the first two lines have kind of been done before both in and outside of pieces submitted in this forum. I very much enjoyed the final three lines though

Love is all we ever had and will understand
when our lives begin to rust in the past.

Gramatically, I don't think the last line makes sense. If something is in the past, it can't begin to rust now, because the rusting would have already occurred (metaphorically or otherwise)



Not a great piece, but a solid effort with some real potential