Impact

[Animalhill]

What's up guys. Sorry I haven't posted/commented in a while, I've been busy as fuck.
In any case, this is the ROUGH draft to my band's new song. Let's hear it : )

She's got fake, fake fears about
fake, fake things and I laughed
because everything I need is in me.
You see, I fell into this world like a
kid off a bridge and the impact made me
roll around the world getting all fucked up
and the impact that
that had- it broke my back and
stacked the bags under my eyes.
The impact that its had...

There are no amphetamines that
can make you this mean. I'll pull
at all the little strings that have kept you
haunted and lean and chew them clean, and
I can see the impact this has. I can see the
impact in the arching of golden backs, but
this science is getting old and it is getting sad.

It was the stampede of me that pitched her
dress above her knees and left the sighing
of the sea between her libido and her teeth.

Take that shell off of your ear, there are no answers in there my dear;
just the same hissing sounds that hang out in the towns of our mouths.
Still, I can feel the air rise up from our heads into the atmosphere.
Up there it is cut and clear and holds all the spinning gears of this
beautiful machine and it means nothing at all.

So when you're lost in my bed and tracing eights on my chest,
and knowing all my nimble words will leave such a little, little mess,
I'll explain the way that the world hits my face. I'll explain why I
breathe gasoline: I'm a machine.

[Animalhill]

Come on- lets hear some feedback! Artful- whereyat brother?

[fishingthe_sky]

She's got fake, fake fears about
fake, fake things and I laughed
because everything I need is in me.
You see, I fell into this world like a
kid off a bridge and the impact made me
roll around the world getting all fucked up
and the impact that
that had- it broke my back and
stacked the bags under my eyes.
The impact that its had...
This first verse is pretty messy. The juxtaposition of fake fears about fake things to having everything you need is off, since there's no 1-to-1 correlation between the two. Everything after "You see" is more rambling than anything; "the impact made me roll around the world getting all fucked up" doesn't make much sense at all, and the "stacked bags under my eyes" is totally inconsequential to the metaphor of falling. The other issue is that you set up the song to be about this girl, yet the speak talks about himself without any motivation for it. The claims of the speaker's coming into the world need to be substantiated with a reason, otherwise it's just fluff.
There are no amphetamines that
can make you this mean. I'll pull
at all the little strings that have kept you
haunted and lean and chew them clean, and
I can see the impact this has. I can see the
impact in the arching of golden backs, but
this science is getting old and it is getting sad.
This verse starts off alright, but I think there might be too much internal rhyming going on, as I got distracted. Also, the repetition of impact isn't working; it seems more like a lack of creativity than a point of emphasis, and from what I've seen from you before, you're not exactly lacking in the creativity department.
It was the stampede of me that pitched her
dress above her knees and left the sighing
of the sea between her libido and her teeth.
This is a good set of lyrics. I liked the sounds in "stampede of me." Very Northstarish.
Take that shell off of your ear, there are no answers in there my dear;
just the same hissing sounds that hang out in the towns of our mouths.
Still, I can feel the air rise up from our heads into the atmosphere.
Up there it is cut and clear and holds all the spinning gears of this
beautiful machine and it means nothing at all.
The first line of this is good. I'm not quite sure what you mean by "the towns of our mouths," though. It seems to be a broken metaphor, to me. The last three lines are a bit disjointed from the first two, which is amplified by the "Still" you begin with; it gives off the sense of a counterpoint to the first two lines, yet doesn't follow through with such. "Cut and clear" is not the same as "clear cut" if that's what you're going for; the way you have it now is confusing, since "cut" doesn't work as an adjective here. The last little bit about meaning nothing at all seems like a tacked on cliche more than anything substantial, and you could easily get rid of it.
So when you're lost in my bed and tracing eights on my chest,
and knowing all my nimble words will leave such a little, little mess,
I'll explain the way that the world hits my face. I'll explain why I
breathe gasoline: I'm a machine.
This is a good stanza as well. The repetition of machine from the previous stanza diminishes the potency of the machine here, so I would get rid of the first machine in favor of the second.

There's definitely stuff to work with here, and it seems to have a good sense of direction. It's just a matter of getting rid of the extraneous stuff and tightening up the rest.

[Animalhill]

This first verse is pretty messy. The juxtaposition of fake fears about fake things to having everything you need is off, since there's no 1-to-1 correlation between the two. Everything after "You see" is more rambling than anything; "the impact made me roll around the world getting all fucked up" doesn't make much sense at all, and the "stacked bags under my eyes" is totally inconsequential to the metaphor of falling. The other issue is that you set up the song to be about this girl, yet the speak talks about himself without any motivation for it. The claims of the speaker's coming into the world need to be substantiated with a reason, otherwise it's just fluff.

This verse starts off alright, but I think there might be too much internal rhyming going on, as I got distracted. Also, the repetition of impact isn't working; it seems more like a lack of creativity than a point of emphasis, and from what I've seen from you before, you're not exactly lacking in the creativity department.

This is a good set of lyrics. I liked the sounds in "stampede of me." Very Northstarish.

The first line of this is good. I'm not quite sure what you mean by "the towns of our mouths," though. It seems to be a broken metaphor, to me. The last three lines are a bit disjointed from the first two, which is amplified by the "Still" you begin with; it gives off the sense of a counterpoint to the first two lines, yet doesn't follow through with such. "Cut and clear" is not the same as "clear cut" if that's what you're going for; the way you have it now is confusing, since "cut" doesn't work as an adjective here. The last little bit about meaning nothing at all seems like a tacked on cliche more than anything substantial, and you could easily get rid of it.

This is a good stanza as well. The repetition of machine from the previous stanza diminishes the potency of the machine here, so I would get rid of the first machine in favor of the second.

There's definitely stuff to work with here, and it seems to have a good sense of direction. It's just a matter of getting rid of the extraneous stuff and tightening up the rest.
Mad thanks man! Really appreciate it.

[The Personist]

:-( I'm sorry fishie beat me to it, dude. I just didn't notice it.

But I agree with basically everything he said, so...

Err...

RIMBAUD!

[Animalhill]

:-( I'm sorry fishie beat me to it, dude. I just didn't notice it.

But I agree with basically everything he said, so...

Err...

RIMBAUD!
hahaha RIMBAUD INDEED! How far into his works are you? I know you said you were pretty balls deep in other books right now.
I'm rereading the Brothers Karamazov and East of Eden simultaneously simply looking for correlations in style. I am such a fucking nerd.

[The Personist]

hahaha RIMBAUD INDEED! How far into his works are you? I know you said you were pretty balls deep in other books right now.
I'm rereading the Brothers Karamazov and East of Eden simultaneously simply looking for correlations in style. I am such a fucking nerd.

Still in like the same spot. I've been reading O'Hara and Camus right now (Fucking love Frank O'Hara; he's having a BIG influence on a lot of my recent stuff) and have some Komunyakaa to read afterwards. You should check out Komunyakaa; he's an amazing poet.

[Animalhill]

Still in like the same spot. I've been reading O'Hara and Camus right now (Fucking love Frank O'Hara; he's having a BIG influence on a lot of my recent stuff) and have some Komunyakaa to read afterwards. You should check out Komunyakaa; he's an amazing poet.
What do you think of the Plague so far? Pretty different from the Stanger eh?

[The Personist]

What do you think of the Plague so far? Pretty different from the Stanger eh?

Hell yes! And I love it! I actually wrote a poem using lines from Camus. I think it's one of the ones in the recent Three Poems post. Man, I love the narrative voice and so much about how intense it is. The sort of black humor really gets me too (Grand working on his novel is hilarious)

[Animalhill]

Hell yes! And I love it! I actually wrote a poem using lines from Camus. I think it's one of the ones in the recent Three Poems post. Man, I love the narrative voice and so much about how intense it is. The sort of black humor really gets me too (Grand working on his novel is hilarious)
I know dude! It was the narrative that got to me too. So good. I love how it is intense but not at all outright about it. How far into it are you?

[The Personist]

I know dude! It was the narrative that got to me too. So good. I love how it is intense but not at all outright about it. How far into it are you?

I think a bit less than half. Uh...Tarrou and Rieux just formed the plague-fighting task forces or whatever.

[Animalhill]

I think a bit less than half. Uh...Tarrou and Rieux just formed the plague-fighting task forces or whatever.
AH- I fucking LOVE how diverse the characters are. Watch for how the tone in the narrative changes as you keep reading. Its amazing.

[The Personist]

AH- I fucking LOVE how diverse the characters are. Watch for how the tone in the narrative changes as you keep reading. Its amazing.

Yeah, I'm getting a sense of that. What's really fascinating is that sometimes you forget that the narrator is a person in the town until he starts referencing himself in passages. Brilliant.

[Animalhill]

Yeah, I'm getting a sense of that. What's really fascinating is that sometimes you forget that the narrator is a person in the town until he starts referencing himself in passages. Brilliant.
I know! Its like a quiet descensitization to his surroundings

[The Personist]

I know! Its like a quiet descensitization to his surroundings

Stop trying to seduce me with literary existentialist terminology

[Animalhill]

Stop trying to seduce me with literary existentialist terminology
:rotfl: