Post Connect

[Ryzenfall]

She takes my eyes off the streets low tide
like cathedrals and belfry
and ceilings of the wealthy
hanging lights from the windows in American bold.
The mannequins grow into their robes
as the money comes in and the glass gets cold.

From the shadow or shine depending on the time
I hear the spacemen remarking
"It’s lonesome in the sparkling.
We have ten ringed planets of medicine gas
and the belts of the meteors buckle right past
but my home on the ocean leaves me sleeping at last."

We got caught up with a pen
With a pen
In hand
And nothing in mind at all to hand down to them.
We got caught up gentlemen
And ladies
And children
Make our way to the waters and start walking on them.

Sugar on the dirtspit pies in the dish.
His pretense commission.
The welfear provision.
Just keep those elephants jumping through rings
whispering the treasure of the cannibal king.
They throw apart love like it don’t cost a thing

Leapt in the raid just so I can get saved.
The fools and the wise men:
both still end up dead.
Started mending my head just to wreck it at the end.
I’m a spoon-fed man with his self-made sin
but this vow gives a criminal his innocence again.

We all want out on our own
On our own
Alone
Until landing dissolution sends us straight for the phone
We all forget what is home
Fuera
Shalom
You can test the familiar but trust the unknown.
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This one is a bit more recent than the last. I'd appreciate any feedback. Thanks.

[fishingthe_sky]

I think the biggest thing for me in this piece is that it feels like your rhyme scheme is holding it back. It doesn't have a flow that feels natural. This hurts the poem because you have some good lines and some interesting ideas that don't seem to have the proper wiggle room. I think this happens the most in the third and last stanza, where the rhyme scheme becomes almost too much to be taken as seriously as it should be. I can see where reading it out loud can improve it, but it's still not feeling like it's what this poem wants to be. I think that the ideas in the poem are solid and don't really need to be changed, but if you were going to revise it I would suggest try reworking it without the rhymes and just let the images build up themselves.

[Ryzenfall]

I think the biggest thing for me in this piece is that it feels like your rhyme scheme is holding it back. It doesn't have a flow that feels natural. This hurts the poem because you have some good lines and some interesting ideas that don't seem to have the proper wiggle room. I think this happens the most in the third and last stanza, where the rhyme scheme becomes almost too much to be taken as seriously as it should be. I can see where reading it out loud can improve it, but it's still not feeling like it's what this poem wants to be. I think that the ideas in the poem are solid and don't really need to be changed, but if you were going to revise it I would suggest try reworking it without the rhymes and just let the images build up themselves.

Thanks for the feedback. I wrote this with a pretty established structured melody in my head, but since I don't play a melodic instrument and can't record, i just used it as a basis for the wording structure alone, which it seems doesn't flow too well.

I have hard time now reading it apart from the melody where the flow makes sense to me, but to the average reader i think I'm seeing how it will feel... clunky.

I'll probably revise this to be more reader friendly, since that's all it'll really ever be. Again, thanks a lot for responding.