Too Sociable For The Good of Society (I'm baaaaaack)

[eliselovesmusic]

This one is actually a blues/alt rock song, so if you can imagine it being sung with a swing you might be able to get the feel of it better....


We're all best friends with people we've never met.
I didn't mean to make you cry,
but you know how good it feels inside.
Fought your way to the Black Maria,
Our idea of a good career.
Look at the stars, I swear they shine for you,
They make us do the things we do.

E! True Hollywood Story,
Don't you know that I'm sorry?
But don't look in my eyes
As I apologise:
Despite the payment coming through,
I don't actually do the things you say I don.

CHORUS
Have you seen the weather outside?
I swear it's better than magazines
I've got a ticket to paradise
But I'll cash it in
Coz it aint worth anything
When you're in LA

"Fox News coming to you live"
But the name of the game aint 'live',
Rather, 'survive'
Maybe if I look like them,
I'll start fitting in.
For your admiration
I'd swim Lake Michigan

"McCartney, darling, I don't seek attention at all.
And it wasn't my fault that Britney started a brawl."
I don't mind the paparazzi in my face,
As long as I'm winning the 'Rolling Stone cover race.

CHORUS

A hundred cars following you
is a measure of your success.
There's no private life
for a Four Seasons V.I.P. guest
So you might aswell accept
that the worst is what you get for being the best.

CHORUS





As usual, thanks for the feedback guys :-)

[fishingthe_sky]

Honestly, the rhymes are way too obvious and simple, you're addressing a topic that's been done to death in the way it's been done to death, and are being way too topical to be truly stinging in your criticism. I know that you enjoy being topical, but you're just haphazardly throwing in Hollywood images with no real return on them; you're not using them in a creative or innovative way.

[southerndrawl]

It seemed to be a bit repetitive and predictable. The intentions were good, there was a bit of randomness in there that made me think you were stretching to find an addition. I think it was okay. Not memorable though.

[eliselovesmusic]

Honestly, the rhymes are way too obvious and simple, you're addressing a topic that's been done to death in the way it's been done to death, and are being way too topical to be truly stinging in your criticism. I know that you enjoy being topical, but you're just haphazardly throwing in Hollywood images with no real return on them; you're not using them in a creative or innovative way.

It seemed to be a bit repetitive and predictable. The intentions were good, there was a bit of randomness in there that made me think you were stretching to find an addition. I think it was okay. Not memorable though.



I see what you guys are saying (I think).

Hmmm.

Maybe I just need some more experience in the ways of the world to make it less predictable?

[eliselovesmusic]

I'll just add though that I was rather proud of the first verse at least.......................

[OveriseFan]

I see what you guys are saying (I think).

Hmmm.

Maybe I just need some more experience in the ways of the world to make it less predictable?

Stop using cliches and just randomly throwing things out that you think sound poetic/cute/whatever. THATS what makes it bad, because it isn't real. It's all bullshit. "Swim Lake Michigan?" Have you ever seen Lake Michigan? You're from New Zealand, what does one of the great lakes mean to you? And why Lake Michigan specifically?

The rest of the song uses California/L.A. imagery and references - so why suddenly reference Lake Michigan, when it has nothing to do with the situation?

That's just one example, and hopefully you understand what I mean and can work to stop using cliches like that.

[eliselovesmusic]

Stop using cliches and just randomly throwing things out that you think sound poetic/cute/whatever. THATS what makes it bad, because it isn't real. It's all bullshit. "Swim Lake Michigan?" Have you ever seen Lake Michigan? You're from New Zealand, what does one of the great lakes mean to you? And why Lake Michigan specifically?

The rest of the song uses California/L.A. imagery and references - so why suddenly reference Lake Michigan, when it has nothing to do with the situation?

That's just one example, and hopefully you understand what I mean and can work to stop using cliches like that.


I may be from NZ, but I'm not an idiot.

I chose lake Michigan not only for the fact that it rhymes with the previous line, but because Chicago is a large city in the States, which is where I just happen to want to live.

As for the sentence in bold, it seems like you're just critisiscing me rather than offering constructive advice. When I wrote this song I did feel it was very 'real'; but if you disagree then so be it.

Thanks for the comment thouugh, I'll work on the cliches. I do endeavour to learn how I can improve my writing.

[OveriseFan]

I may be from NZ, but I'm not an idiot.

I chose lake Michigan not only for the fact that it rhymes with the previous line, but because Chicago is a large city in the States, which is where I just happen to want to live.

As for the sentence in bold, it seems like you're just critisiscing me rather than offering constructive advice. When I wrote this song I did feel it was very 'real'; but if you disagree then so be it.

Thanks for the comment thouugh, I'll work on the cliches. I do endeavour to learn how I can improve my writing.

Bingo.

You can use whatever excuse you want, but the fact of the matter is that Chicago means nothing more to you than Philadelphia, New York, Atlanta, Washington, etc. that are cities you also could have used. Lake Michigan rhymed, and Sufjan Stevens (among others) have sung about it. Hell, I've sung about it and have written a ton of songs about it. But I think the main reason you used it was because it rhymed... if you DIDN'T just use it for that reason, then you are going to need to make it more clear in the song that it's not just a throw in. Does that make sense? You can't throw it in once, as a rhyme, and then tell me it has meaning, because I won't believe it. You need to make it a part of the song if you want to use it, because otherwise it makes the listener/reader go, "Wait, what?"

Best of luck.

[eliselovesmusic]

Bingo.

You can use whatever excuse you want, but the fact of the matter is that Chicago means nothing more to you than Philadelphia, New York, Atlanta, Washington, etc. that are cities you also could have used. Lake Michigan rhymed, and Sufjan Stevens (among others) have sung about it. Hell, I've sung about it and have written a ton of songs about it. But I think the main reason you used it was because it rhymed... if you DIDN'T just use it for that reason, then you are going to need to make it more clear in the song that it's not just a throw in. Does that make sense? You can't throw it in once, as a rhyme, and then tell me it has meaning, because I won't believe it. You need to make it a part of the song if you want to use it, because otherwise it makes the listener/reader go, "Wait, what?"

Best of luck.



Ah. I see.

That actually does help alot, thanks.

[Ryzenfall]

With work this can be improved upon, but the subject matter will require some kind of extremely fresh approach in order for this to be memorable. I struggle with this too... wanting to express thoughts on hugely familiar topics. But that's the facts we have to face.

"Didn't mean to make you cry"
"The stars... shine for you"
"Don't you know that i'm sorry"
"I've got a ticket to paradise"
"Maybe if i start looking like them I'll fit in"
etc.

If you've heard this once, probably twice before in very prominent works, you won't want to use them as your own, unless there is some good calculated specific reason, like irony, which I don't see used here. These ideas expressed in those words are not new and have been done before countless times. Just trying to help you weed out the flagrant cliches.

[eliselovesmusic]

With work this can be improved upon, but the subject matter will require some kind of extremely fresh approach in order for this to be memorable. I struggle with this too... wanting to express thoughts on hugely familiar topics. But that's the facts we have to face.

"Didn't mean to make you cry"
"The stars... shine for you"
"Don't you know that i'm sorry"
"I've got a ticket to paradise"
"Maybe if i start looking like them I'll fit in"
etc.

If you've heard this once, probably twice before in very prominent works, you won't want to use them as your own, unless there is some good calculated specific reason, like irony, which I don't see used here. These ideas expressed in those words are not new and have been done before countless times. Just trying to help you weed out the flagrant cliches.


Thanks heaps, I appreciate the specific advice.

"Didn't mean to make you cry, But you know how good it feels inside" is meant to be a celebrity's manager/publicist/A&R guy saying to the celebrity - I'll use Britney as an example - '' sorry for making you do something wrong/harmful but you know how much publicity you're going to get which is what we want".

"The stars...shine for you" is meant to be implying that the stars are actually celebrities, and how their fans always seem to feel that everything said celebs do directly affects them.

"I've got a ticket to paradise" is getting at how, despite having something wonderful on offer to them (such as a ticket to paradise), people - especially celebrities that seem to dig their own holes - would rather "cash it in" because compared to the fame they could possibly recieve in Hollywood "it aint worth anything."


If the above meanings haven't come through and instead just sound cliche - as you and others have said - I obviously have some work to do.
Thanks again for your comments :-)