The Sunshine Room

[UnusualSigns]

I can see the flowers.

The sails on the boat.

They're fading by the hour.

It can barely float.

The sinking wood,
Is like a slipping hand.
You'd help if you could,
But I know you can't.

It confuses me so, the way this world works,
You think it's a smile, when it's actually a smirk.
Mistakes are made,
People move on,
But why can't it stay?
Is that so wrong?

I want to keep my sunshine room.
My place where I am free from the gloom,
That towers my home, myself, all around.


My sunshine room fell to the ground.

[The Personist]

This is, I'm afraid, laden with cliches and trite images that have all been done before. Your rhymes are all forced and contrived, and you're really dabbling in elementary poetics. Try to find ways to say these things without sounding like things you've heard before. As is, this is quite a tedious piece.

[thespearkid]

Ask yourself: have the images and metaphors I'm using here been used before? If the answer is yes (hint: it is) this is not very good.

[IAmNietzche]

-X7J_HVuL5Q