Intern's Lament

[tommy's ghost]

Saliva pools in their mouths,
laps at their lips,
and is gently poured out:
Suicidal drips
on their ties that hang
like they wish they could,
On their key-boards that click
As grains signaling time idling by,
On their files that harbor
the same color of their skin.

They wish the clock's hands
would strangle them
several spectra short of alive.

Arlene dresses her cubicle up
as a plastic doll with sequined-diamond earrings.
Edgar chats the secretaries up;
slaps to the ass shepherd slaps to the face.
Ellie makes her mind up
and walks into the empty shaft.

[tommy's ghost]

Comments?

[fishingthe_sky]

The first stanza has way too many prepositional phrases. It overbears the reader with this rhythmic pattern that isn't special, and also shows a certain lack of ingenuity in your language (not saying you yourself are, but that the language in this poem is). "Several spectrums short of alive" bothers me for two reasons: one, it should be spectra, and two, several doesn't convey a real sense of these suicidal thoughts you mention in the first stanza. Several is an indeterminate concept, and while it isn't many, it's certainly enough to prevent the sense of desperation you want. The second and fourth lines of the last stanza also don't make sense: sequined-diamond earrings is counter intuitive, as sequins are things that are sewn in clothes and earrings are, well, earrings; I think I get what you're trying to say in the fourth line, but your lack of punctuation makes it a difficult idea to grasp, and could be worded much clearer anyway.

I applaud you for making a poem about office tedium that isn't tediously the same as most are, though.

[tommy's ghost]

The first stanza has way too many prepositional phrases. It overbears the reader with this rhythmic pattern that isn't special, and also shows a certain lack of ingenuity in your language (not saying you yourself are, but that the language in this poem is). "Several spectrums short of alive" bothers me for two reasons: one, it should be spectra, and two, several doesn't convey a real sense of these suicidal thoughts you mention in the first stanza. Several is an indeterminate concept, and while it isn't many, it's certainly enough to prevent the sense of desperation you want. The second and fourth lines of the last stanza also don't make sense: sequined-diamond earrings is counter intuitive, as sequins are things that are sewn in clothes and earrings are, well, earrings; I think I get what you're trying to say in the fourth line, but your lack of punctuation makes it a difficult idea to grasp, and could be worded much clearer anyway.

I applaud you for making a poem about office tedium that isn't tediously the same as most are, though.

I'll see if I can re-tool the first stanza.

Fixed. Would it be better if I used a number instead of several?

Sequined-diamond earrings is meant to symbolize trying too hard. Diamonds being sequined just seemed like an over-the-top image in my mind, and I liked it.

Slaps to the ass shepherd slaps to the face any better?

Many many many thanks.