Beach-Side Catacomb

[tommy's ghost]

I breathe in the salt
And complain about its
Tangy demeanor.
Her tongue is licking the breeze.
“Awe uou kigging me?”
As usual,
Taking the acerbic aspects in life
And turning them on their heads:
This isn’t acrid atmospheric pollution
It’s aesthetically appropriate seasoning
“If you say so, dear.”
I’ll pretend to agree
And commiserate with the salt-stained sea.

I sink myself into its effervescent folds,
Let the waves entomb me.
Within its mausoleum, I look up,
There’s a sky-light in this stretch(-mark) of water,
And your face is distorted by
The unruly, uncouth sun,
Whose hair is teasing the timid ocean.
The salt stings my eyes
But I can’t close them.
Make sure to visit me,
You’re a mighty sight to see.

[tommy's ghost]

I would really appreciate feed-back.

[The Personist]

I breathe in the salt
And complain about its
Tangy demeanor.
Her tongue is licking the breeze.
“Awe uou kigging me?”
As usual,
Taking the acerbic aspects in life
And turning them on their heads:
This isn’t acrid atmospheric pollution
It’s aesthetically appropriate seasoning
“If you say so, dear.”
I’ll pretend to agree
And commiserate with the salt-stained sea.

"awe uou kigging me" is unnecessary. This is a little too wordy for its own good; "acrid atmospheric pollution" and "aesthetically appropriate seasoning" are so weighted down with sounds that it's hard to digest them. I feel like licking the breeze is a cliche, but I'm not sure why. It just doesn't sit right with me.

I sink myself into its effervescent folds,
Let the waves entomb me.
Within its mausoleum, I look up,
There’s a sky-light in this stretch(-mark) of water,
And your face is distorted by
The unruly, uncouth sun,
Whose hair is teasing the timid ocean.
The salt stings my eyes
But I can’t close them.
Make sure to visit me,
You’re a mighty sight to see.

Stretch(mark) of water is unneeded as well. Either say "stretchmark" or say "stretch." The last two lines are cliched and the rhyme scheme just makes them stick out all the more. I think the problem in general with the entire poem is that the imagery of the sea (which I assumed was either personified or represented in part by the person with whom you were visiting the sea) seems secondary to the use of words and lofty language. Unless the poem is about the words and the play with language (which it isn't; it's about the sea) you should not let the words be more important than what they're saying.

[tommy's ghost]

"awe uou kigging me" is unnecessary. This is a little too wordy for its own good; "acrid atmospheric pollution" and "aesthetically appropriate seasoning" are so weighted down with sounds that it's hard to digest them. I feel like licking the breeze is a cliche, but I'm not sure why. It just doesn't sit right with me.



Stretch(mark) of water is unneeded as well. Either say "stretchmark" or say "stretch." The last two lines are cliched and the rhyme scheme just makes them stick out all the more. I think the problem in general with the entire poem is that the imagery of the sea (which I assumed was either personified or represented in part by the person with whom you were visiting the sea) seems secondary to the use of words and lofty language. Unless the poem is about the words and the play with language (which it isn't; it's about the sea) you should not let the words be more important than what they're saying.

I breathe in the salt
And complain about its
Tangy demeanor.
Her pink tongue betrays
The plethora of periwinkle above,
A flag in the oxygen waves
“Awe uou kigging me?”
As usual,
Taking the acerbic aspects in life
And turning them on their heads:
This isn’t fastidious pollution
It’s aesthetic seasoning
“If you say so, dear.”
I’ll pretend to agree
And commiserate with the salt-stained sea.

I sink myself into its effervescent folds,
Let the billows entomb me.
Within its mausoleum, I look up,
There’s a sky-light in this stretch mark of water,
And your face is distorted by
The unruly, uncouth sun,
Whose hair is teasing the timid ocean.
The salt stings my eyes,
But I can’t close them.
Should I be condemned to this,
Grains digging trenches into my cornea,
Please visit my beach-side catacomb
And make my suffering your own.

How's that?

[Ryzenfall]

I breathe in the salt
And complain about its
Tangy demeanor.
Her pink tongue betrays
The plethora of periwinkle above,
A flag in the oxygen waves
“Awe uou kigging me?”
As usual,
Taking the acerbic aspects in life
And turning them on their heads:
This isn’t fastidious pollution
It’s aesthetic seasoning
“If you say so, dear.”
I’ll pretend to agree
And commiserate with the salt-stained sea.


I like "A flag in the oxygen waves" a LOT better. I'm a big fan of metaphors rather than sesquipedalian descriptive lines. (I suffer from the latter myself though. Badly.) I don't think you need to say that her tongue is pink though.

For some reason, I almost always take the word "plethora" as a one word cliche. It's used everywhere by everyone and I think it's not hard to see that it's extremely overused. I just feel like it's lost it's power and I know many people who share this sentiment. But i think the periwinkle image is a nice touch.

Some of the big words don't seem to fit. Again, i'm no expert on making words fit, as I have major trouble with this myself, but they do seem oddly placed and not fluid.

[tommy's ghost]

I like "A flag in the oxygen waves" a LOT better. I'm a big fan of metaphors rather than sesquipedalian descriptive lines. (I suffer from the latter myself though. Badly.) I don't think you need to say that her tongue is pink though.

For some reason, I almost always take the word "plethora" as a one word cliche. It's used everywhere by everyone and I think it's not hard to see that it's extremely overused. I just feel like it's lost it's power and I know many people who share this sentiment. But i think the periwinkle image is a nice touch.

Some of the big words don't seem to fit. Again, i'm no expert on making words fit, as I have major trouble with this myself, but they do seem oddly placed and not fluid.

I'm afraid of the reader being confused if I don't include "pink." But yeah, it did irk me a little when I wrote it.

Would abundance work better? I was thinking cornucopia, but that just seemed like over-kill.

Ah, which words in specific?

[Ryzenfall]

I'm afraid of the reader being confused if I don't include "pink." But yeah, it did irk me a little when I wrote it.

Would abundance work better? I was thinking cornucopia, but that just seemed like over-kill.

Ah, which words in specific?

There's nothing wrong with identifying the color. I just feel like "pink tongue" is a redundant phrase.

You don't have to use a big word, haha. I think something as simple as "spread" would even work better than "plethora."

In the first stanza, the 11th and 12th lines have good ideas, but the phrasing is cluttered. "Cornea" in particular does not seem to fit. It feels over specific or something. I don't know.

[tommy's ghost]

There's nothing wrong with identifying the color. I just feel like "pink tongue" is a redundant phrase.

You don't have to use a big word, haha. I think something as simple as "spread" would even work better than "plethora."

In the first stanza, the 11th and 12th lines have good ideas, but the phrasing is cluttered. "Cornea" in particular does not seem to fit. It feels over specific or something. I don't know.

I see where you're coming from.

Haha, "abundance" isn't a big word! I think it would work best because of the following "above".

I wasn't too sure about "cornea", but I don't want to repeat "eye".