The Apple Tree's Voice

[OfCourse]

The way the apple tree sings,
Lulls the owls to sleep,
A mutter through the stinging wind is silenced.
Unless, you feel the branches plunge into your body,
Feeding the bottomless chamber until it's full with its song.
Without this, one can starve subconciously,
Waiting, like rat-traps in an underwater home.
Something can disguise very well in the world,
Often appearing as nothing,
Takes the truly capable to unwrap the unattractive crinkled paper,
To dive into another's.


Okay, probably too cliche for my own good and I'm working on that. I'm very young and still learning, but I'm sure that's no excuse. Anyway, helpful critiques are GREATLY appreciated! I want very much to improve. I hope there's still hope for me lol.

[OfCourse]

Anything, people?

[MinionOfBoredom]

I wouldn't call it "cliche," exactly - the word is moreso "awkward." Awkward comma placements (some of which are grammatically inaccurate, regardless of artistic style), awkward punctuation breaks, awkward wording.

With the same exact wording but removal of erroneous punctuation, the poem becomes much more streamlined:

The way the apple tree sings
Lulls the owls to sleep.
A mutter through the stinging wind is silenced
Unless you feel the branches plunge into your body,
Feeding the bottomless chamber until it's full with its song.
Without this, one can starve subconciously,
Waiting like rat-traps in an underwater home.
Something can disguise very well in the world,
Often appearing as nothing,
Takes the truly capable to unwrap the unattractive crinkled paper,
To dive into another's.

Moving on to the wording, many of the lines seem strained and unnatural:

Unless you feel the branches plunge into your body,
Feeding the bottomless chamber until it's full with its song.

Individually, these lines sound okay, if not on the wordy side (more on that later). Together, though, I don't like the way they mesh. Consider an indefinite article or a pronoun when referring to the "branches" and "bottomless chamber;" the definite article "the" sounds too abstract.

In terms of verbosity, try and cut out as many words as possible. I forget exactly which poet said it, but there was a phrase he coined that went along the lines of "I know my poems aren't finished until I can't cut out another word" (drastically paraphrased.) Description is nice -- "stinging," "bottomless," "subconsciously," "unattractive," etc., but adjectives and adverbs strewn all about the place "tell" more than "show." Also, you can cut unnecessary pronouns, e.g. the "its" before "song."

Without this, one can starve subcon(s)ciously,
Waiting like rat-traps in an underwater home.
Something can disguise very well in the world,
Often appearing as nothing,

This part seems outlandish and abstract. You refer ambiguously to "one" and "something," without making it clear as to what these things actually are. The simile to rat-traps is interesting, but I have trouble understanding its significance.

The third line here is worded very strangely, and does not feel natural at all. Note that the verb "disguise" is reflexive in this context - one disguises oneself, I disguise myself, something disguises itself. The fourth line quoted is almost redundant, because to appear as nothing is almost the definition of disguise. I'd remove it.

Takes the truly capable to unwrap the unattractive crinkled paper,
To dive into another's.

What takes the truly capable? To what does the "unattractive crinkled paper" refer? "Another's" what, crinkled paper? There are too many loose ends here, as well as in the entire poem. All in all, I'd reword a good lot of it, or at least make it so the reader can follow exactly what is going on. The construction seems random, disorganized, and more like an attempt to string together a number of unclear ideas rather than a single, cohesive thought.

Hope this helped.

ps. I don't mean to come off as a jerk when I post comments and critique, so please don't take any offense if anything I say is said too strongly -- I just write what's on my mind, nothing personal intended.