untitled

[iHATEapril]

Hey, I figured it'd be nice to get some feedback. Sorry if you dont like it, but please be gentle. Constructive criticism if you can please. Be gentle, it's my first time putting one up. Thank's a lot for checking it out.

And it's utterly disgusting
to see these seasons changing
in this manner once again
we meet our bitter end
and these blood stains on the ceiling
a sign of how were dealing
with the warm, the cold, the fair
and she says with a blank stare
you imagined those stains there

As the snow turns into flowers
and the flowers into heat
I can't help but to forget her
And I can barely breathe
And as that heat turns into leaves
and all the trees begin to die
I shed my true colors
and she learns of all my lies

All these patterns that we're forming
our feelings all conforming
to the way that they should be
that's what I'm told, but can't believe
that all things will pan out right
but somehow in this light
there's not a single thing I love or like
she isn't anything to me

And as the snow turns into flowers
and the flowers into heat
I can't help but to forget her
And I can barely breathe
As that heat turns into leaves
and all the trees begin to die
I shed my true colors
and she learns of all my lies

This winter brings an end to her
and hopefully a new year
As I forget who we were
The sun begins to melt my fear
And if the fall can ever come
I might even learn to love

[apoemtothedead]

iHATEyoursongs

[Jentheoptimist]

iHATEyoursongs
hahaha

[iHATEapril]

iHATEyoursongs

Thanks anyway.

[Jentheoptimist]

Your chrous is sooo retarded though, you can't blame him. Your first verse is okay, but your song is fake and that's why your being ripped to shreads, well at least in my case.Try another format, and try writing a song about something else. God and don't make metaphors that mean nothing, but rhyme.

[iHATEapril]

Your chrous is sooo retarded though, you can't blame him. Your first verse is okay, but your song is fake and that's why your being ripped to shreads, well at least in my case.Try another format, and try writing a song about something else. God and don't make metaphors that mean nothing, but rhyme.

Just because a reader cannot relate to a metaphor someone makes doesn't mean it doesn't mean anything. I'm sorry we're not on the same wavelength and I don't expect everybody to like everything. He doesn't have to be nice, it's the internet and at least he looked I guess. I'm sorry you dont like it, but hopefully somebody will, and thanks a lot for your time.

[OveriseFan]

Just because a reader cannot relate to a metaphor someone makes doesn't mean it doesn't mean anything. I'm sorry we're not on the same wavelength and I don't expect everybody to like everything. He doesn't have to be nice, it's the internet and at least he looked I guess. I'm sorry you dont like it, but hopefully somebody will, and thanks a lot for your time.

You're right.

It means you're a shitty writer and your readers have no idea what the hells going on. Don't worry, many famous, "great" writers are like that.

And on that note, I haven't yet read your piece, just wanted to address that.

[In Dolorosa]

stop takling about blood being splattered and all that bullshit, too cliche. im sick of it.

[OveriseFan]

Wow...

Actually...

That chorus is terrible. That means nothing I guarantee you. I don't even CARE about your explanation, you just tried to be clever and rhyme and it sucked. The rest is just overdone crap, I hate to say.

Now that I've addressed that as well, stay away from such boring, overused topics. And never talk about blood or "her" death. Thanks.

[cris545]

Just because a reader cannot relate to a metaphor someone makes doesn't mean it doesn't mean anything. I'm sorry we're not on the same wavelength and I don't expect everybody to like everything. He doesn't have to be nice, it's the internet and at least he looked I guess. I'm sorry you dont like it, but hopefully somebody will, and thanks a lot for your time.
I'm sorry if I upset you but... she's not saying she can't relate to the metaphors. She's saying that once you're writing a line that follows another you think of a word to rhyme it with and if its 'leaves' then you shoot for it. You're just forming metaphors to go along with the rhyming. Some of your rhymes are way too obvious and predictable, for example, stare-there, die-lies, right-light-like. My first suggestion is stop focusing on the rhyming, rhyming will never replace the substance of a poem. And another thing... I don't like your attitude, you were looking for constructive criticism and you got some from her, don't ignore it just because she made it obvious that she didn't like it. First thing you need to learn about posting in here is having an open mind, you're here for criticism, and you're going to get criticism. Don't come in here expecting someone will like it, because if its trash, people will say it. Excuse my honesty, I apologize if any of this sounded too harsh.

[OveriseFan]

I'm sorry if I upset you but... she's not saying she can't relate to the metaphors. She's saying that once you're writing a line that follows another you think of a word to rhyme it with and if its 'leaves' then you shoot for it. You're just forming metaphors to go along with the rhyming. Some of your rhymes are way too obvious and predictable, for example, stare-there, die-lies, right-light-like. My first suggestion is stop focusing on the rhyming, rhyming will never replace the substance of a poem. And another thing... You were looking for constructive criticism and you got some from her, don't ignore it just because she made it obvious that she didn't like it. First thing you need to learn about posting in here is having an open mind, you're here for criticism, and you're going to get criticism. Don't come in here expecting someone will like it, because if its trash, people will say it. Excuse my honesty, I apologize if any of this sounded too harsh.

Well said.

[ArTkY_]

This is bloody awful. Fucking hell this is terrible.

[iHATEapril]

Hey, I figured it'd be nice to get some feedback. Sorry if you dont like it, but please be gentle. Constructive criticism if you can please. Be gentle, it's my first time putting one up. Thank's a lot for checking it out.

And it's utterly disgusting
to see these seasons changing
in this manner once again
we meet our bitter end
and these blood stains on the ceiling
a sign of how were dealing
with the warm, the cold, the fair
and she says with a blank stare
you imagined those stains there

As the snow turns into flowers
and the flowers into heat
I can't help but to forget her
And I can barely breathe
And as that heat turns into leaves
and all the trees begin to die
I shed my true colors
and she learns of all my lies

All these patterns that we're forming
our feelings all conforming
to the way that they should be
that's what I'm told, but can't believe
that all things will pan out right
but somehow in this light
there's not a single thing I love or like
she isn't anything to me

And as the snow turns into flowers
and the flowers into heat
I can't help but to forget her
And I can barely breathe
As that heat turns into leaves
and all the trees begin to die
I shed my true colors
and she learns of all my lies

This winter brings an end to her
and hopefully a new year
As I forget who we were
The sun begins to melt my fear
And if the fall can ever come
I might even learn to love

I didn't reference her death, I understand all of you don't like it and I could see why you think it's non descript. I figured I'd just say this so you can know I didn't write things just to rhyme. The entire song is the passage of a relationship in comparison with the passage of seasons. I was taught in a class at one time that the circle of nature was an important characteristic of poetry. That each season signifies a different point in life, or in this situation a relationship. Strangely in this situation the normal signature of the death in the relationship, winter, comes shortly after the start. The first verse references blood stains in comparison with the troubles faced and the problems that only one half of the relationship could see, hence "you imagined those stains there." Perhaps that is hard to understand, but I was not bullshitting or just writing to rhyme.

The chorus was in reference to the passage of time through the seasons and a characteristic of each season. Snow for the winter obviously, flowers for the spring, heat for the summer. This passage of time was noted and for that reason I used the "I can't help but forget her, And I can barely breathe" to reference being swept up in this process. The next lines reference the approach of fall, the beginning and end of this relationship and the year. Fall signifies approaching death, or in this case the approaching end of a relationship. The "I shed my true colors, and she learns of all my lies," was to reference the falling leaves and to draw you back to the "stains" lyrics, where the problems that could not be believed to be true are and that the other person is beginning to realize this. I would have thought the season references could be understood, I'm sorry if they couldn't.

The next verse deals with the ideas of the routine acquired in a relationship, another part of the passage of time. As time passes a person and another person become day to day, and that is what is meant by the "All these patterns that were forming, our feelings are conforming," lines references. The "to what they should be," is supposed to be ironic along with the next "That's what I'm told, but can't believe," because the idea that all of these situations are the same is a ridiculous idea to me. The next line is continuing upon the idea of what people say will happen in a relationship, and the line after that is something I try to fit in at times because of a certain situation in my life, I understand if it does not fit well, but it doesnt really upset the cohesiveness at that time. The next "there's not a single thing I love or like," as well as "she isn't anything to me," are both in reference to the above statements that "I can't believe," contradicting the statements of others with the truth of the situation. This passage is at times hard to understand, but I'm sure some people could have figured it out with a second look seeing as it is just an interaction of people really.

After the chorus, the outro begins with "This winter brings an end to her," referencing that cycle of the season ends and as does the relationship, as the chorus had been pulling towards. The next "And hopefully a new year," line references, again, that hopefully a new beginning can come with the end of the cycle. The passage of the seasons to those not so cold is noted in the next two lines, and how that could affect me seeing as the end has come to that relationship. And with the final two lines, the idea is posed that with the coming of the end of this cycle, another chance to learn to love, something I could not do in the last situation, could come from the coming of a new chance for relationships and a new cycle of the seasons. This outro seems to be a bit cheesy to me actually, but I wasnt writing just to write or rhyming just to rhyme.

My song was not fake. I don't write to be fake or to rhyme. If you dont like the subject that is fine, if you didn't get it the first time around that's fine. I understand why people could not understand, but I'm sure all of your favorite bands have moments in which you have no idea what they are talking about. It is fair that you all could not like things you don't understand, that is how people work. I just hope I explained to you how I felt when I wrote this and what it meant from my point of view. Please let me know if this helps you understand it and where I was coming from. Thank you so much for any more of your time.

[OveriseFan]

My song was not fake. I don't write to be fake or to rhyme. If you dont like the subject that is fine, if you didn't get it the first time around that's fine. I understand why people could not understand, but I'm sure all of your favorite bands have moments in which you have no idea what they are talking about. It is fair that you all could not like things you don't understand, that is how people work. I just hope I explained to you how I felt when I wrote this and what it meant from my point of view. Please let me know if this helps you understand it and where I was coming from. Thank you so much for any more of your time.

Don't even try to bullshit us saying you didn't write to rhyme, because that's not "coincidental" if you write to rhyme, you do, no problem. OUR problem was your rhymes were forced and predictable. In my opinion, if you need to break it all down like that, it's terrible writing, but as you said, that's just my opinion.

[iHATEapril]

Don't even try to bullshit us saying you didn't write to rhyme, because that's not "coincidental" if you write to rhyme, you do, no problem. OUR problem was your rhymes were forced and predictable. In my opinion, if you need to break it all down like that, it's terrible writing, but as you said, that's just my opinion.

Well yeah, I do like it to rhyme. I'm sorry if you think it was forced. I'm sure most songs you hear you dont follow a story, but more so you apply it to your life. If you couldn't apply it, I understand why you dont like it. Thanks again.

[OveriseFan]

Well yeah, I do like it to rhyme. I'm sorry if you think it was forced. I'm sure most songs you hear you dont follow a story, but more so you apply it to your life. If you couldn't apply it, I understand why you dont like it. Thanks again.

All I'm gonna say, final saying, don't bother to respond, I won't be checking.

Take Criticism.

[ArTkY_]

Why do things people don't like get 5 times more replies than the good writing?

[Boring Pop Song]

Why do things people don't like get 5 times more replies than the good writing?


that's what i was just wondering entering this thread. scratching my head wondering why you posted in here

[OveriseFan]

Why do things people don't like get 5 times more replies than the good writing?

haha, yeah, you're right.

[apoemtothedead]

I didn't reference her death, I understand all of you don't like it and I could see why you think it's non descript. I figured I'd just say this so you can know I didn't write things just to rhyme. The entire song is the passage of a relationship in comparison with the passage of seasons. I was taught in a class at one time that the circle of nature was an important characteristic of poetry. That each season signifies a different point in life, or in this situation a relationship. Strangely in this situation the normal signature of the death in the relationship, winter, comes shortly after the start. The first verse references blood stains in comparison with the troubles faced and the problems that only one half of the relationship could see, hence "you imagined those stains there." Perhaps that is hard to understand, but I was not bullshitting or just writing to rhyme.

The chorus was in reference to the passage of time through the seasons and a characteristic of each season. Snow for the winter obviously, flowers for the spring, heat for the summer. This passage of time was noted and for that reason I used the "I can't help but forget her, And I can barely breathe" to reference being swept up in this process. The next lines reference the approach of fall, the beginning and end of this relationship and the year. Fall signifies approaching death, or in this case the approaching end of a relationship. The "I shed my true colors, and she learns of all my lies," was to reference the falling leaves and to draw you back to the "stains" lyrics, where the problems that could not be believed to be true are and that the other person is beginning to realize this. I would have thought the season references could be understood, I'm sorry if they couldn't.

The next verse deals with the ideas of the routine acquired in a relationship, another part of the passage of time. As time passes a person and another person become day to day, and that is what is meant by the "All these patterns that were forming, our feelings are conforming," lines references. The "to what they should be," is supposed to be ironic along with the next "That's what I'm told, but can't believe," because the idea that all of these situations are the same is a ridiculous idea to me. The next line is continuing upon the idea of what people say will happen in a relationship, and the line after that is something I try to fit in at times because of a certain situation in my life, I understand if it does not fit well, but it doesnt really upset the cohesiveness at that time. The next "there's not a single thing I love or like," as well as "she isn't anything to me," are both in reference to the above statements that "I can't believe," contradicting the statements of others with the truth of the situation. This passage is at times hard to understand, but I'm sure some people could have figured it out with a second look seeing as it is just an interaction of people really.

After the chorus, the outro begins with "This winter brings an end to her," referencing that cycle of the season ends and as does the relationship, as the chorus had been pulling towards. The next "And hopefully a new year," line references, again, that hopefully a new beginning can come with the end of the cycle. The passage of the seasons to those not so cold is noted in the next two lines, and how that could affect me seeing as the end has come to that relationship. And with the final two lines, the idea is posed that with the coming of the end of this cycle, another chance to learn to love, something I could not do in the last situation, could come from the coming of a new chance for relationships and a new cycle of the seasons. This outro seems to be a bit cheesy to me actually, but I wasnt writing just to write or rhyming just to rhyme.

My song was not fake. I don't write to be fake or to rhyme. If you dont like the subject that is fine, if you didn't get it the first time around that's fine. I understand why people could not understand, but I'm sure all of your favorite bands have moments in which you have no idea what they are talking about. It is fair that you all could not like things you don't understand, that is how people work. I just hope I explained to you how I felt when I wrote this and what it meant from my point of view. Please let me know if this helps you understand it and where I was coming from. Thank you so much for any more of your time.
10-15 word summary plz.

[OveriseFan]

10-15 word summary plz.

I'll summarize it with one.

Bullshit.

[iHATEapril]

I'll summarize it with one.

Bullshit.

Funny, thought you weren't responding. I can take criticism, you are aiming to hurt people. If you say that you think something isn't genuine it comes off a lot better than it's bullshit. It's not bullshit. You don't know me and you can't make that judgement.

[unwritten]

it stinks.

[apoemtothedead]

man, i'm awesome.

[iHATEapril]

haha, my first, funny that youre still a dick to almost everyone now mark.

[unwritten]

man, i'm awesome.

hahaha

[apoemtothedead]

haha, my first, funny that youre still a dick to almost everyone now mark.
Yes, I am funny. Always good to have fans.

[iHATEapril]

Yes, I am funny. Always good to have fans.

Most of the time you're funny, the rest of the time you take it too far. I'm sure everyone gets sick of it.

[apoemtothedead]

Most of the time you're funny, the rest of the time you take it too far. I'm sure everyone gets sick of it.
So, do you want me to sign a hat or something?

[iHATEapril]

So, do you want me to sign a hat or something?

please.

[lfdfforever]

Your chrous is sooo retarded though, you can't blame him. Your first verse is okay, but your song is fake and that's why your being ripped to shreads, well at least in my case.Try another format, and try writing a song about something else. God and don't make metaphors that mean nothing, but rhyme.Let's see your lyrics.

[lfdfforever]

I'll summarize it with one.

Bullshit.that's a compound word

[apoemtothedead]

Let's see your lyrics.
That's not a comeback.

[black rose]

That's not a comeback.yes it is. just not a very good one.

[apoemtothedead]

yes it is. just not a very good one.
Fuck you. Let me see your lyrics.

[lfdfforever]

That's not a comeback.Why don't you ever give me shit when I write lyrics?

[apoemtothedead]

Why don't you ever give me shit when I write lyrics?
I'm sorry I don't grace your shit with my presence.

[black rose]

Fuck you. Let me see your lyrics.
1)fuck you. haha.
2)they're all over this forum.

[apoemtothedead]

1)fuck you. haha.
2)they're all over this forum.
I feel bad for this forum.

[lfdfforever]

I'm sorry I don't grace your shit with my presence. Well maybe you should sometime.

[apoemtothedead]

Well maybe you should sometime.
Fuck you. Pay me.

[lfdfforever]

I feel bad for this forum. Greedy Jew.

[iHATEapril]

Everyone does realize this is from about 10 months ago right?

[OveriseFan]

Everyone does realize this is from about 10 months ago right?

No. :-)



This still sucks...

Although not as bad as it used to because I know you're not a shitty writer now.

[apoemtothedead]

Greedy Jew.
Did you quote the wrong thing?

[lfdfforever]

Did you quote the wrong thing? yeah i think so

[apoemtothedead]

yeah i think so
do you want to try again?

[lfdfforever]

do you want to try again? yeah i'll try again

[lfdfforever]

Fuck you. Pay me. Greedy Jew.

[apoemtothedead]

Greedy Jew.
Succeeded on the second try. If only your poetry was that good.

[lfdfforever]

Succeeded on the second try. If only your poetry was that good.I'll give that insult 8 points.

[the_culprit]

I belive that is one of the worst things I have ever read. It has NO POINT. Advice: reach deeper.

[iHATEapril]

I belive that is one of the worst things I have ever read. It has NO POINT. Advice: reach deeper.

Advice: Read replies.