A good Father

[SLADE775]

A good Father

Might I disarm you?
I'm ready to force my way through
Your words like bullets - impossible to dodge or block
Might I disable you?
This railroad splits in two
North or south either one - is sure to make you

You want options?
I'll give you plenty
Anwhere you want to see
As long as it won't include me
You want descriptions?
Here's a hard-cover book with all of them
Just take a look

Casting coins for wishes unfulfilled
Everyday you always test yourself
Saying If only I would have went in the other direction
Where would I be now?
Your kids interrupt - eager and energized
Tell them stories of our times
Your husband has that look of concern - in his eyes

Might I distract you?

Half lived
Half assembled
You read the paper as the morning passes
Today your coffee cup falls and crashes
Read it again
Maybe that's not what it said
Upon second glance
You're positive it's him
it's gotta be him
A million thoughts rush in
I never should have left!
Momentarily wrecked
But this is best

Might I relieve you?

[a speedo model]

i like it alot, good job Slade.

[SLADE775]

i like it alot, good job Slade.

Thanks again!

hahaha

You sure are nice. <3

[SLADE775]

Sexy

[reductiondesign]

"Momentarily wrecked
But this is best"

Good line. I like it.

[SLADE775]

"Momentarily wrecked
But this is best"

Good line. I like it.

Thanks.

This is another folk song.....btw

[ArTkY_]

Don't care for it. I like your other stuff though.

[SLADE775]

Don't care for it. I like your other stuff though.

Hmmmm

Well this is differen't from my norm.

[Boring Pop Song]

i liked it. i liked the last full stanza the best. keep it up

[reductiondesign]

Might I disarm you?
I'm ready to force my way through
Your words like bullets - impossible to dodge or block
Might I disable you?
This railroad splits in two
North or south either one - is sure to make you

You want options?
I'll give you plenty
Anwhere you want to see
As long as it won't include me
You want descriptions?
Here's a hard-cover book with all of them
Just take a look

Casting coins for wishes unfulfilled
Everyday you always test yourself
Saying If only I would have went in the other direction
Where would I be now?
Your kids interrupt - eager and energized
Tell them stories of our times
Your husband has that look of concern - in his eyes

Might I distract you?

Half lived
Half assembled
You read the paper as the morning passes
Today your coffee cup falls and crashes
Read it again
Maybe that's not what it said
Upon second glance
You're positive it's him
it's gotta be him
A million thoughts rush in
I never should have left!
Momentarily wrecked
But this is best

Might I relieve you?

Okay, here's my more-in-depth crituque.

First stanza: I like the disarm / bullets connection you set up. But the railroad thing didn't really seem relevant to me...

Then, the next part is good. I like the bit about the 'hard-cover book.'

Third stanza, I'd change the first line to '...unfulfilled wishes.' It flows better to me. Then, the mood turns nostalgic with the 'kids', 'husband', and 'stories.' I like it.

Then, this is the best part. Might I distract you? / Might I relieve you? I really like the parallels you set up here, that bookend the last full stanza - what seems to be the climax, if you will. The mood changes with the style (shorter lines) and the tone turns frantic and questioning.

This ending part:

A million thoughts rush in
I never should have left!
Momentarily wrecked
But this is best

...is great. Good job.

[cris545]

I didn't like the beginning much, but this progressively gets better as you read it so my suggestion is make the beginning as strong as the end, then you'll have a great song. If you ever really fix this up don't touch the last stanza.

[SLADE775]

Oh thanks guys.....I like the in-depth suggestions.

[Gilbert Arenas]

meh. its pretty dec