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Jabble524
07/19/09, 02:33 PM
Rendezvous

We had breakfast in bed
And watched the sunrise over the ocean
The strawberries, grapes, frech toast, and orange juice
All tasted like the sweetest ambrosia

After breakfast I held you in my arms
And we kissed
Within the sanctuary of your love
I felt complete

At noon, we walked barefoot along the beach
In the shallow water, where the ocean kisses the shore
We talked for hours, and really connected
Body, mind, and soul

As evening approached
We stopped at a deserted part of the beach
And made passionate love

Your skin moved smoothly across mine
And I gazed into your deep blue eyes
I tasted salvation in your kiss
But failed to notice the ominous clouds on the horizon

Exhausted from passion, we eventually collapsed in each other's arms
Still sweaty, and breathing heavily-
We looked up at the magnificent display of stars
Our naked bodies illuminated by the moonlight

As a shooting star danced across the sky
I turned, kissed your strawberry lips, and said "I love you"

As if my lips tasted of poison, you immediately pulled away
And began to weep bitter tears

The more I tried to comfort you, the more you pulled away
Eventually saying, in between tears
That our romantic rendezvous would soon be over

I promised to love you forever
But you cast me out of your heart
Like a fallen angel from heaven

Heartbreak began to swallow me like quicksand
And I begged you to reconsider
Still myself confused from the sudden turn of events

You kissed me one last time, and then vanished
From the sanctuary of your love, I was banished
Left alone to sink in the quicksand of heartbreak
And eventually drown in an ocean of loneliness

Surrendering to despair
I lay my head down, closed my eyes, and began to drift away

As my last bit of consciousness faded
My alarm clock rang
And I awoke in a cold sweat of freezing tears

Most dreams eventually fade
But the memory of your deep blue eyes
Which were both as gentle and ferocious as the sea
Never have

Jabble524
07/20/09, 10:45 PM
If anyone has time, I would love feedback. Hope all is well.
- Jason

Ryzenfall
07/21/09, 04:25 AM
This piece suffers from too much cliches and overfamiliar expressions of thought. The imagery is rather frank, to be rather frank, to the point where this reads more like a quick diary entry recapping events.

You have the very basic thoughts as a foundation, so try to avoid cliches. Even "poems" about essentially nothing written with unique and ostentatious language will be more interesting, however briefly, than a piece that sounds like it's been written before.

Jabble524
07/21/09, 09:08 PM
Thanks for the feedback, and the constructive criticism. I appreciate it.