Ominus Renovo

[Ryzenfall]

On a time fed rise he sits with his lines
Robins released with the town hall chimes
Ten wishes at the fountain
Can’t pay the dime.

She whispers when they’ll be meeting again
And buys up the lie of sole attention
He only wants all their want
Worthy’s just what it’s been.

Burlap sleeves catch the gossamer breeze
He discovers the ends yet questions the seas
If I’ve sailed past companions
For what did I leave?

She’s an ash grey haired forgot in her rocking chair
With a dog on the porch and a ghost up the stair
Brass girls in the sun garden
Won’t reach for the share.

Cotton folds from color cold strewn upon the ground
Shelf life not much of living, cells in a three floor pound
The shuttered walls and unlocked door
Yields no freedom found.

Prater mimes in fallen lines this sour march regress
Aloof on the loose from the conifer chest
We’re drunk on the rooftops
From our bad blood hest.


-----------------------------------------------------------------


Marred and sought her, an enmity’s daughter
Broken enough to visit the potter
Gets her re-fired jar
Fed living water.

He keeps no score and opens her door
Will never forget what the promise is for
Till the end of this life
And further the more.

Shiver short tight of this house of light
Leaks that sink the ships at night
Dark enchanting alibis
Won’t best the fight.

Ghetto prophetess sings and takes what it brings
Learns from the old keeps the young under wings
From a grime street orchestra
Violin strings.

Close souls curved no brotherhood preserved
The scars they bore him were undeserved
Instead of lex talionis
Grace is served.

Vices preowned to wholly atoned
Making a blood pumping engine from stone
Takes knowing courage before
The free and unknown.

Who drinks the blame carved with open shame
What king births his heir in a town without fame
One who gives love
A face and a name.












Any and all feedback is appreciated.

[The Personist]

I need to read this. Can you quote me tomorrowz and I will do so?

>.< I've been really lazy/not in the most poetic of moods.

[Ryzenfall]

I need to read this. Can you quote me tomorrowz and I will do so?

>.< I've been really lazy/not in the most poetic of moods.

hey Person.
It's a tad after 12 my time and since I'm still up, I'm quoting you. Bab Soget, my eyes hurt.

[The Personist]

Tooooo tired to read now.

/lame excuse

I will read this evening.

[The Personist]

On a time fed rise, he sits with his lines.
Robins released with the town hall chimes.
Ten wishes at the fountain
Can’t pay the dime.
I'm going to say the same thing I said the last time I commented on your stuff: Punctuate properly. I know you ended the sentence and whatnot, but you should punctuate this like it was just a paragraph. I'm gonna punctuate the rest of this for you, or at least some of it, because I want to show you what I mean. Anyways, I'm not sure what a "time-fed rise" is, and I'm not sure what the second line means, entirely. The last 2 lines are are a cool idea, but I feel like your execution doesn't really pay off here.


She whispers when they’ll be meeting again
And buys up the lie of sole attention.
He only wants all their want;
Worthy’s just what it’s been.
This is all pretty contrived, and "He only wants all their want" is not a very good construction. I think you should play around with this one, because it feels very much put upon and forced.

Burlap sleeves catch the gossamer breeze;
He discovers the ends yet questions the seas.
"If I’ve sailed past companions
For what did I leave?"
Burlap sleeves is interesting, if a little odd, but gossamer breeze is somewhat cliche. I think the question he asks is interesting, but the phrasing doesn't really strike me.

She’s an ash grey haired forgot in her rocking chair
With a dog on the porch and a ghost up the stair.
Brass girls in the sun garden
Won’t reach for the share.
I don't really know what the first line means--what's an "ash grey haired"? However, kudos on spelling "grey" the PROPER way. The last two lines also just seem a little awkward. I don't know what to make of them.


Cotton folds from color cold strewn upon the ground.
Shelf life not much of living, cells in a three floor pound.
The shuttered walls and unlocked door
Yields no freedom found.
The internal rhyme in the first stanza feels a little awkward, but I like the idea of "cotton folds...strewn upon the ground." I think the end of this uses a lot of "telling," what with the "no freedom found" and such. I think you should try to find more evocative, less direct language to describe your subject matter in this instance.

Prater mimes in fallen lines this sour march regress
Aloof on the loose from the conifer chest
We’re drunk on the rooftops
From our bad blood hest.
Prater mimes? What? Also, the internal rhyme is just contrived/distracting here. I like the word "aloof," but again, the internal rhyme continues to distract. "Bad blood hest" would be cooler with a better setup. As is, this stanza left me scratching my head.

-----------------------------------------------------------------

maybe make these two poems? I guess my main problem thus far is that I see no real narrative thread connecting the two.



Marred and sought her, an enmity’s daughter
Broken enough to visit the potter
Gets her re-fired jar
Fed living water.
:shrug: this doesn't really make a lot of sense to me. Is "enmity" the right word? The jar imagery is a little vague for my tastes.

He keeps no score and opens her door
Will never forget what the promise is for
Till the end of this life
And further the more.
again with the internal rhyme. I think you should get rid of it in these instances, because it just slows it down and comes off kinda contrived.


Shiver short tight of this house of light
Leaks that sink the ships at night
Dark enchanting alibis
Won’t best the fight.


Ghetto prophetess sings and takes what it brings
Learns from the old keeps the young under wings
From a grime street orchestra
Violin strings.

Close souls curved no brotherhood preserved
The scars they bore him were undeserved
Instead of lex talionis
Grace is served.

Vices preowned to wholly atoned
Making a blood pumping engine from stone
Takes knowing courage before
The free and unknown.

Who drinks the blame carved with open shame
What king births his heir in a town without fame
One who gives love
A face and a name.


I have the same complaint about the rest of this. There's no real imagery that strikes me as poignant or powerful, and i feel like it's a lot of empty verbiage. The first half of this is definitely stronger, and I wonder if you could perhaps be more concise. More importantly, the story of this seems to be lost in the verbiage as well. I might be missing something because I'm a little on the tired side, but I generally felt like there was waaaaaaaaay more style than substance to this. You've got some nice words, and this sounds nice out loud, but you should work on creating something nice-sounding that also has a clear, cohesive meaning.

[Ryzenfall]

On a time fed rise, he sits with his lines.
Robins released with the town hall chimes.
Ten wishes at the fountain
Can’t pay the dime.
I'm going to say the same thing I said the last time I commented on your stuff: Punctuate properly. I know you ended the sentence and whatnot, but you should punctuate this like it was just a paragraph. I'm gonna punctuate the rest of this for you, or at least some of it, because I want to show you what I mean. Anyways, I'm not sure what a "time-fed rise" is, and I'm not sure what the second line means, entirely. The last 2 lines are are a cool idea, but I feel like your execution doesn't really pay off here.


She whispers when they’ll be meeting again
And buys up the lie of sole attention.
He only wants all their want;
Worthy’s just what it’s been.
This is all pretty contrived, and "He only wants all their want" is not a very good construction. I think you should play around with this one, because it feels very much put upon and forced.

Burlap sleeves catch the gossamer breeze;
He discovers the ends yet questions the seas.
"If I’ve sailed past companions
For what did I leave?"
Burlap sleeves is interesting, if a little odd, but gossamer breeze is somewhat cliche. I think the question he asks is interesting, but the phrasing doesn't really strike me.

She’s an ash grey haired forgot in her rocking chair
With a dog on the porch and a ghost up the stair.
Brass girls in the sun garden
Won’t reach for the share.
I don't really know what the first line means--what's an "ash grey haired"? However, kudos on spelling "grey" the PROPER way. The last two lines also just seem a little awkward. I don't know what to make of them.


Cotton folds from color cold strewn upon the ground.
Shelf life not much of living, cells in a three floor pound.
The shuttered walls and unlocked door
Yields no freedom found.
The internal rhyme in the first stanza feels a little awkward, but I like the idea of "cotton folds...strewn upon the ground." I think the end of this uses a lot of "telling," what with the "no freedom found" and such. I think you should try to find more evocative, less direct language to describe your subject matter in this instance.

Prater mimes in fallen lines this sour march regress
Aloof on the loose from the conifer chest
We’re drunk on the rooftops
From our bad blood hest.
Prater mimes? What? Also, the internal rhyme is just contrived/distracting here. I like the word "aloof," but again, the internal rhyme continues to distract. "Bad blood hest" would be cooler with a better setup. As is, this stanza left me scratching my head.

-----------------------------------------------------------------

maybe make these two poems? I guess my main problem thus far is that I see no real narrative thread connecting the two.



Marred and sought her, an enmity’s daughter
Broken enough to visit the potter
Gets her re-fired jar
Fed living water.
:shrug: this doesn't really make a lot of sense to me. Is "enmity" the right word? The jar imagery is a little vague for my tastes.

He keeps no score and opens her door
Will never forget what the promise is for
Till the end of this life
And further the more.
again with the internal rhyme. I think you should get rid of it in these instances, because it just slows it down and comes off kinda contrived.


Shiver short tight of this house of light
Leaks that sink the ships at night
Dark enchanting alibis
Won’t best the fight.


Ghetto prophetess sings and takes what it brings
Learns from the old keeps the young under wings
From a grime street orchestra
Violin strings.

Close souls curved no brotherhood preserved
The scars they bore him were undeserved
Instead of lex talionis
Grace is served.

Vices preowned to wholly atoned
Making a blood pumping engine from stone
Takes knowing courage before
The free and unknown.

Who drinks the blame carved with open shame
What king births his heir in a town without fame
One who gives love
A face and a name.


I have the same complaint about the rest of this. There's no real imagery that strikes me as poignant or powerful, and i feel like it's a lot of empty verbiage. The first half of this is definitely stronger, and I wonder if you could perhaps be more concise. More importantly, the story of this seems to be lost in the verbiage as well. I might be missing something because I'm a little on the tired side, but I generally felt like there was waaaaaaaaay more style than substance to this. You've got some nice words, and this sounds nice out loud, but you should work on creating something nice-sounding that also has a clear, cohesive meaning.

Thanks for the in depth critique. This was another very style driven piece that I tried to fit thoughts into a specific rhyme scheme. I have two or three of these pieces, and they often happen, as in this case, when I have a first stanza conceived in basically one spurt and I automatically just run with it for the rest of the piece no matter what.

Which went as follows:

Aa (internal rhyme)
A
B
a (a line with as few syllables as possible.)

After writing it and coming back to it for awhile, I had a feeling the only thing that would really stick out to anybody after reading this was "that was an interesting rhyme scheme" so that's why I posted it here.

As far as subject matter, the first half consist of anecdotes of depravity, and selfishness, not exactly having to do with specific protagonists, etc. The second half are anecdotes of fulfillment, sacrifice and being made whole. The incredibly awkward rhyme scheme made it difficult to articulate what I was trying to say, but thanks to time and in part to you pointing it out, I've learned that the style should never come before the message or communication. In my case, it always gets in the way. Here I had to constrain my thoughts until apparently they became basically nothing.

Prater is a very rare derivative of "prate," which basically means foolish talk. Perhaps too rare to still be used effectively. Mimes essentially just mimic reality with no serious intent or substance, so the term was supposed to be explaining the embodiment of folly.

Time fed rise meant a place, perhaps a hill, that overlooks a view, that is very ancient and has seen many days and events and been largely unchanged.

Anyway, thanks for the critique. I'll plan on overhauling this one, but I wanted to hear some thoughts on it here first.