Dear Heavens...

[You Vandal]

I'm jealous of you Moon
For tonight you are able to see her
And you Stars
For you are blessed enough to look into her eyes
When your twinkling lights reach her glistening stare
What is it you see?
Do you hold that moment in high esteem?
Did you cherish that second, that instant
Like you would never have another?
And when she speaks,
When her chapstick covered lips part
And give way to muttered speech...
When her tongue dances over her pearly whites,
And produces those wonderous words,
Like the breeze through the trees on a crisp autumn night,
Do you strain your ears so you don't miss a single syllable?
I would, oh Moon, oh Stars, I would.
But I can't be in your place on this night
So instead, I will venture into the darkness,
Pull my jacket tight to my bones
And sit on that worn down curb...
And look up to you.
This is not the time to be hushed
I turn to you for something to get me through
Divulge to me what she said...
How did her hair fall on her faultess frame?
Did her eyes twinkle with the bliss that only love can bring?
Or were there makeup streaked cheeks on this evening?
Did her mouth release to you the story of her day?
Tell me Moon, did your amber glow accent her just so?
And Stars, did you bless her with the gift of a wish?
Did you sacrifice one of your own to make her night momentous?
And how does it feel to know
That this boy would trade his existence
To be in your position tonight?

[yaz]

oh my god, this is truly brilliant, obviously i cant speak for everyone who will read it, but this really impressed me, i actually got a weird feeling when i read it. is it written from personal experience? because, im not sure you can make up stuff like this.

[OveriseFan]

Chapstick?


LAME LAME LAME LAME LAME

Other than that, a fairly good, though at times unimaginative, descriptive piece.

[You Vandal]

oh my god, this is truly brilliant, obviously i cant speak for everyone who will read it, but this really impressed me, i actually got a weird feeling when i read it. is it written from personal experience? because, im not sure you can make up stuff like this.

I had written that for my girlfriend at the time. Sadly, she is now my ex, but it still means something to me.

And I know that the chapstick line is lame. I spent some time thinking of how to change it, but everytime I did, the rest of the piece would lose some effect. I dont know, I know it has to be changed but I haven't decided what to do with it yet. I suppose I could just remove the "chapstick covered" part all together.

[a speedo model]

i like it.

[Boring Pop Song]

ya this is good stuff, keep it up

[ArTkY_]

I'm turned on.

[SLADE775]

Awful.....

Just awful..... :puke:


rating - :(

[You Vandal]

Awful.....

Just awful..... :puke:


rating - :(

Haha. Ok. Would you like to tell me why you think it is awful. I mean, I respect your opinion, but just telling me that what I write sucks does nothing to make me better. Maybe if would give me some constructive criticism you would be of more use.

[SLADE775]

Haha. Ok. Would you like to tell me why you think it is awful. I mean, I respect your opinion, but just telling me that what I write sucks does nothing to make me better. Maybe if would give me some constructive criticism you would be of more use.


Okay here it goes:

I'm jealous of you Moon
For tonight you are able to see her (so so so corny, right off the bat)
And you Stars
For you are blessed enough to look into her eyes (C'mon man, do we need more songs about girls? NO no we fucking don't)
When your twinkling lights reach her glistening stare (sigh....so cliche)
What is it you see?
Do you hold that moment in high esteem? (this line is good)
Did you cherish that second, that instant
Like you would never have another?
And when she speaks, (every time I read "she" I cringe)
When her chapstick covered lips part (this line is just awful)
And give way to muttered speech...
When her tongue dances over her pearly whites, (this is the worst line)
And produces those wonderous words,
Like the breeze through the trees on a crisp autumn night,
Do you strain your ears so you don't miss a single syllable? (this is just horrible)
I would, oh Moon, oh Stars, I would.
But I can't be in your place on this night
So instead, I will venture into the darkness, (OOoooh how dark...=/ )
Pull my jacket tight to my bones
And sit on that worn down curb... (blah)
And look up to you.
This is not the time to be hushed
I turn to you for something to get me through (Is this a jesusy thing now?)
Divulge to me what she said...
How did her hair fall on her faultess frame? (Cringeworthy)
Did her eyes twinkle with the bliss that only love can bring? (again lame and cliche)
Or were there makeup streaked cheeks on this evening? (Horrible)
Did her mouth release to you the story of her day? (bland)
Tell me Moon, did your amber glow accent her just so? ( what?)
And Stars, did you bless her with the gift of a wish? (eh....annoyingly cliche)
Did you sacrifice one of your own to make her night momentous? (huh?)
And how does it feel to know
That this boy would trade his existence
To be in your position tonight? (this conclusion is lacking and stilted)


I'll ask you right off the bat....Do you really think we need any more lyrics/poems about girls? What could this ever do for anyone? Are you hoping to affect some emo girl sewing on her newest FFTL patch? What?...you wrote this for some girl in a cheesy attempt to be meaningfull.....It's devoid of anything that could ever be considered semi-worthy. It's cliche, typical, bland, lackluster, run of the mill nonsense that will simply blend in with all of the other psudo-heartfelt rants out there.

Do yourself a favor and find something that's actaully semi-original to write about. Or at least try to improve upon this topic with interesting words and ideas, otherwise you'll come off as some lonley pathetic emo with nothing of quality to say.

[OveriseFan]

Slade, writing about girls can be very effective. Personally, I hate making up stories to write songs about(though Coheed does it effectively, I can't really think of another). However, yes, there are many other things to write about, so please look toward them. Write about summer nights spent hanging out, write about friends, write about growing up, write about WRITING. Hell, you don't always need to write about girls.

[ArTkY_]

Personally, I hate making up stories to write songs about(though Coheed does it effectively, I can't really think of another).
Can't think of anyone else?

hahaha, I'm so modest.