I'm like a prositute you dont have to pay

[Slaytus]

Grasping eachother tight, my only comfort is in the fact i wont regret these hours before morning light. i hope your not fooling yourself that ill be stickin around in the morning. unlike the story of the rabbit and the tortoise, I wont let my sympathy and anxiety catch up with me

You know I associate my romances with the seasons.

Dear summer,
I listened to the deceit coming from your lips.thats ok i found solace between your hips. i wont feel bad because you were to high to realize i didnt say i love you back.

Sincerely your one night stand

Dear Autumn,

i have no need for heart metaphors
i'd rather be one of the call on whores
the fire in my eyes isnt love at first sight
its lust for tommorow night

truly yours,
a capsized ship of pickup lines and empty promises







lets see before i get the raping. I realize theres like no structure. i have no idea how to structure. This is one of my "hey i have inspiration to try and write something good! but i probably wont *sigh*" so ya be honest but id prefer to hear what i can do to improve. some of you might see what i was trying to attempt here...but whatever i was trying to attempt got lost in the bad ryming (sp) and whatnot

[Slaytus]

9 views andno comments? psh

[outofkilter]

I liked it.
Kind of had a Glassjaw vibe, yo. Pre - Worship and Tribute.

[wyverna]

Grasping eachother tight, my only comfort is in the fact i wont regret these hours before morning light. i hope your not fooling yourself that ill be stickin around in the morning. unlike the story of the rabbit and the tortoise, I wont let my sympathy and anxiety catch up with me

You know I associate my romances with the seasons.

Dear summer,
I listened to the deceit coming from your lips.thats ok i found solace between your hips. i wont feel bad because you were to high to realize i didnt say i love you back.

Sincerely your one night stand

Dear Autumn,

i have no need for heart metaphors
i'd rather be one of the call on whores
the fire in my eyes isnt love at first sight
its lust for tommorow night

truly yours,
a capsized ship of pickup lines and empty promises







lets see before i get the raping. I realize theres like no structure. i have no idea how to structure. This is one of my "hey i have inspiration to try and write something good! but i probably wont *sigh*" so ya be honest but id prefer to hear what i can do to improve. some of you might see what i was trying to attempt here...but whatever i was trying to attempt got lost in the bad ryming (sp) and whatnot

I get the feeling that some of this was a little forced. It could be good, but you could maybe work on a little more.

[Slaytus]

....im actually astonished at the feedback hah i am working on it after i get some more feedback so i have goals

[OveriseFan]

Uh...

it's very... "Difficult" to read on that structure. Definately not easy on the eyes.

It's not that it's terrible, it's not very unique, but who really cares about that shit? Right :wink: Anyway, what you might want to do, is add 2 more stanzas in the format of the last 2 adding in Winter and Spring?

I like the whole "truly yours" bit, reminds me of something I wrote recently but never typed up... Maybe I will now.

[Slaytus]

yeah when i add winter and spring ill try andwork on the structure. im terrible at organization tho.

[OveriseFan]

yeah when i add winter and spring ill try andwork on the structure. im terrible at organization tho.

Ok then, it's ADVICE TIME WITH JAMES.

Today's section covers METER.

What is meter?

It's "syllabication", which in simple-man terms, is to make sure all of your lines have the same amount of 'beats'. Does it need to be perfect? No. You can also vary things up, like a rhyme scheme, ABAB, meter can go, 6-7-6-7, or something.

Get it?

So for example. 5-5-5-5

The black heart is dry
It hardly cries now
This metaphor sucks
It is fucking bad

I hope you can get it from that.

Now 7-6-7-6

She has her eyes in the sky
But she can't seem to find
What it is she's looking for
It has to be out there.

Bad examples, my apologies, but with work, I'm sure, you'll use meter effectively.

Look up some poetry by Robert Frost too, he's a good poet who uses rhyme and meter well.

[Slaytus]

i miss the days poems were less technical :(

[de la sympathie]

Grasping eachother tight, my only comfort is in the fact i wont regret these hours before morning light. i hope your not fooling yourself that ill be stickin around in the morning. unlike the story of the rabbit and the tortoise, I wont let my sympathy and anxiety catch up with me

You know I associate my romances with the seasons.

Dear summer,
I listened to the deceit coming from your lips.thats ok i found solace between your hips. i wont feel bad because you were to high to realize i didnt say i love you back.

Sincerely your one night stand

Dear Autumn,

i have no need for heart metaphors
i'd rather be one of the call on whores
the fire in my eyes isnt love at first sight
its lust for tommorow night

truly yours,
a capsized ship of pickup lines and empty promises







lets see before i get the raping. I realize theres like no structure. i have no idea how to structure. This is one of my "hey i have inspiration to try and write something good! but i probably wont *sigh*" so ya be honest but id prefer to hear what i can do to improve. some of you might see what i was trying to attempt here...but whatever i was trying to attempt got lost in the bad ryming (sp) and whatnot

This would actually be alot better if you used proper grammar and spelling. The layout is kind of hard to read, but I LOVE the line I bolded. Could be good, with some work.

[Slaytus]

i'm working on it right now. ill try to use proper grammar and spelling and work on structure.

[preppyak]

This would actually be alot better if you used proper grammar and spelling. The layout is kind of hard to read, but I LOVE the line I bolded. Could be good, with some work.
I agree, that was one of those knock you over lines...

[a speedo model]

i like it. it's good but with a little work it could be great.