the death knells of a Saturday afternoon

[MinionOfBoredom]

I am sitting on a park bench or swing or
rooftop, and I sit and wait and watch for signs of
life. by far the most interesting are the
children on the jungle gym standing
like a twenty-first century interpretation of
Stonehenge. not a single child heeds his or her mother's
chiding calls to bid farewell to the intricate weave of steel and
imagination; they cling to it like vines to a fence that have
escaped the warm, dark grip of mother Earth,
each of their smiles a blossom, each scowl a thorn.

[MinionOfBoredom]

*cricket*

[newtothis]

This seems like chopped up prose to me. I mean, your enjambment has no real significance, and nothing is really going on here. You sound very indecisive as well, as if you don't know quite what you are trying to say. To be honest, I was bored halfway through. You pick up some good images, but too late. You need to be consistent with your imagery. Also, as my friend orange likes to say, show, don't tell us (the readers) what you are trying to say.

[MinionOfBoredom]

This seems like chopped up prose to me.

As in...an "existential musing" instead of an "existential poem," as fishing likes to remind me? :P

I mean, your enjambment has no real significance, and nothing is really going on here.

I thought that as I read the following lines -- do you think that they could go?

across the park are the local
druggies at the moment solemn and sober, and to my
left the age-old tradition of melodrama unfolds
like a three year old's origami.

You sound very indecisive as well, as if you don't know quite what you are trying to say. To be honest, I was bored halfway through. You pick up some good images, but too late.

Which ones, if I might prod a bit deeper? Which ones can go?

You need to be consistent with your imagery. Also, as my friend orange likes to say, show, don't tell us (the readers) what you are trying to say.

Ha ha, I've heard that one a multitude of times before. I think that this is the hardest part of poetry. I'll get to revising this, now that I have a basis of criticism. Thanks for the read!

[newtothis]

Yes, I think those lines could go. I like this: "not a single child heeds his or her mother's
chiding calls to bid farewell to the intricate weave of steel and
imagination; they cling to it like vines to a fence that have
escaped the warm, dark grip of mother Earth,
each of their smiles a blossom, each scowl a thorn."

Your welcome.

[MinionOfBoredom]

I "cut the crap."

I like the way that the abridged one reads better. Any thoughts?