Inside Jokes

[Ryzenfall]

“Why” I silently exclaim
after realizing that again our past few
laugh filled hours were only
figments shared between me and
my unconscious self.
Good dreams introduced to
Disagreeing reality
Turns them both for the worst.
What a creative curse
To haunt this unlivid sleeper
With the alive and well.





-------
a.f.i.a.

[Ryzenfall]

Don't taze me. Did not just read any Salinger recently.

[MinionOfBoredom]

This is one of my favorites so far from you, Jay. I like the fact that it's a short and simple ode to good dreams, without the usual accompanying fluff. I guess my biggest gripe is that the "good dreams/bad reality" motif seems used; other than that, I have a few nitpicks, but overall I like this piece a lot.

“Why” I silently exclaim
after realizing that again our past few
laugh filled hours were only
figments shared between me and
my unconscious self.
Good dreams introduced to
Disagreeing reality
Turns them both for the worst.
What a creative curse
To haunt this unlivid sleeper
With the alive and well.

after realizing that again our past few
I don't like the word order (placement of "again.") Better, I think, would be "again realizing" or "realizing again."

laugh filled hours were only
"laughter filled" instead of "laugh filled" sounds better.

figments shared between me and
my unconscious self.
This is too obviously (and verbosely) "dreams." Ignoring the rest of the poem, you could replace these entire two lines with "dreams" and not lose anything from it.

Good dreams introduced to
Disagreeing reality
I like this concept a lot, with the pseudo-personification of dreams and reality. But it seems (unlike the last lines, haha) too plain, and almost trite with the whole "dreams juxtaposed against reality" thing.

Turns them both for the worst.
"Turn" instead of "turns" to agree with "good dreams."

What a creative curse
To haunt this unlivid sleeper
With the alive and well
Just a curiosity, but why "unlivid?"
Anyway, these three lines are my favorites. This ends it very nicely -- uncliched, actively, and almost with a sense of wonder. Good job.

[The Personist]

“Why” I silently exclaim
after realizing that again our past few
laugh filled hours were only
figments shared between me and
my unconscious self.
Good dreams introduced to
Disagreeing reality
Turns them both for the worst.
What a creative curse
To haunt this unlivid sleeper
With the alive and well.


CONSIDER YOURSELF TAZED!

No, I'm kidding. I actually like this better than some of your longer rhyming pieces I've read. Some technical stuff: you should put a question mark after "Why," and your second sentence seems a little syntactically jumbled. "Good dreams" is plural, and "turns" is singular. I'm not sure I like "unlivid," if only because you're kind of copping out in terms of actually describing the sleep as being "the opposite of livid."

I'd like to see a little more poesy as well (I know that's probably ironic considering my Personist kick, but you can tase me if you so desire ;-) ) I think there's a solid BASE here, but you need to develop on it. Give me some clear, concise images to express this feeling of a concocted reality. Right now, it feels like this is a lot of telling. Show me the blurring of the imagined and the real, and show me your reaction to it.

[Praetor]

I accidentally clicked on this to go to something else and I'm glad I did. I love it. Very nice, very easy to relate to. Actually a couple of lines kind of resemble something I wrote a while ago.

[Ryzenfall]

This is one of my favorites so far from you, Jay. I like the fact that it's a short and simple ode to good dreams, without the usual accompanying fluff. I guess my biggest gripe is that the "good dreams/bad reality" motif seems used; other than that, I have a few nitpicks, but overall I like this piece a lot.



after realizing that again our past few
I don't like the word order (placement of "again.") Better, I think, would be "again realizing" or "realizing again."

laugh filled hours were only
"laughter filled" instead of "laugh filled" sounds better.

figments shared between me and
my unconscious self.
This is too obviously (and verbosely) "dreams." Ignoring the rest of the poem, you could replace these entire two lines with "dreams" and not lose anything from it.

Good dreams introduced to
Disagreeing reality
I like this concept a lot, with the pseudo-personification of dreams and reality. But it seems (unlike the last lines, haha) too plain, and almost trite with the whole "dreams juxtaposed against reality" thing.

Turns them both for the worst.
"Turn" instead of "turns" to agree with "good dreams."

What a creative curse
To haunt this unlivid sleeper
With the alive and well
Just a curiosity, but why "unlivid?"
Anyway, these three lines are my favorites. This ends it very nicely -- uncliched, actively, and almost with a sense of wonder. Good job.

Thanks for taking the time with this. It's been said that "Many dreams have made for bad poetry." The motif is a bit overused...but I just had one of those "I had a conversation with an ex-friend and thought it happened when I woke up. Damn..." moments, so i figured i'd just write about it and get it off my chest. And then I figured I'd post it here, ha.

I'll switch the wording around. It read a bit awkwardly to me too.
Unlivid means that I'm, unfortunately, not a livid dreamer, meaning I can't control what I do in my dreams. If I were, maybe I'd be able to be a little more wise whenever I encounter this particular person in my dreams. Or maybe not. I don't know. But the lack of control is definitely a highlight for some reason.

[Ryzenfall]

CONSIDER YOURSELF TAZED!

No, I'm kidding. I actually like this better than some of your longer rhyming pieces I've read. Some technical stuff: you should put a question mark after "Why," and your second sentence seems a little syntactically jumbled. "Good dreams" is plural, and "turns" is singular. I'm not sure I like "unlivid," if only because you're kind of copping out in terms of actually describing the sleep as being "the opposite of livid."

I'd like to see a little more poesy as well (I know that's probably ironic considering my Personist kick, but you can tase me if you so desire ;-) ) I think there's a solid BASE here, but you need to develop on it. Give me some clear, concise images to express this feeling of a concocted reality. Right now, it feels like this is a lot of telling. Show me the blurring of the imagined and the real, and show me your reaction to it.

HAHA O'Haranian minion! How's it taste??

Thanks for the advice. I actually was hesitant to post this before i made it more like poesy and less like "check mah super cool story, y'all." But I liked it generally so I just went for it. Although I removed the "?" from "Why" because it adds expression and my real-life mental utterance of that word was pretty much expressionless... as this has happened many times before.

Thanks again for the show don't tell. I always need to remember that. I kept that in mind when writing the latest submission I sent to fishing's prompts. These were just the base emotions and what I had to say though. When I figure out how to show the rest, I'll do so.

[Ryzenfall]

I accidentally clicked on this to go to something else and I'm glad I did. I love it. Very nice, very easy to relate to. Actually a couple of lines kind of resemble something I wrote a while ago.

Glad you could relate to it. It's sort of my greater goal to be able to speak for "the people" rather than just myself.

I'd like to read your stuff man. Seriously. Reading other peer's poetry is like Christmas for me.

[Praetor]

Glad you could relate to it. It's sort of my greater goal to be able to speak for "the people" rather than just myself.
Well, you succeeded haha. Very nice piece.

I'd like to read your stuff man. Seriously. Reading other peer's poetry is like Christmas for me.
I don't like to share what I write. Just a little quirk I have haha. Thanks for being interested though. I'll be sure to lurk this forum more often and take a look at whatever you write next.