Tel Aviv

[Animalhill]

Well its been a VERY long time since I've posted anything. I haven't had much free time on my hands lately, so decided to take the last hour at work to try and pump something out. Obvious this is as rough as a draft can get: David, Finishing the Sky, I need your help friends.
NOTE: The lyrics in quotations are derived from Oscar Wilde.

What anemic early morning are you inhaling right now?
And the sick doctor that worked on your skin, are his
hands sad and small?
I bet he couldn't light the flame like I did;
or spin hymns that glowed and revolved
like the charged abandon of our hips.

I am the rapture and the scripture that brought you there,
and now the greed with which you glow can never be quelled.

Sunshine,
my decline was so slow.
You see, you cannot snort sunshine,
Sunshine; it gets lost behind your eyes.
I ran so fast at night that the stars became drunken lines that devised,
"The curves of her lips will rewrite history.
The world is changed because she was made".

Sunshine,
I showed you the meaning of electricity and
how it is caged within our fingers like a patient canary,
but yours was a storm that shook the earth.

Can you explain why the sum of us collides?
For all of the sense it makes, at least my senses were made.
With the jailbirds of the evening, I am released;
now watch me roar accross the sea to Tel Aviv.

[newtothis]

Hi. So I'm not fishing or David and I haven't posted in forever, but I'll comment. :)

I like this piece. Especially the apostrophe (sunshine). The image was very strong. I was wondering though, about how you are first addressing "sunshine" and then you immediately refer to it as "it". However, you fit it in very well with the Oscar Wilde. This is ambiguous and clear at the same time. I really like how you do that as well. Good internal rhyme ("rapture and scripture"). One thing I really have liked in the past about your writing is how descriptive you are. All in all, I am impressed.

This is a lot better than what I've been writing a.k.a. nothing. I have been so busy. :-(

[Animalhill]

Hi. So I'm not fishing or David and I haven't posted in forever, but I'll comment. :)

I like this piece. Especially the apostrophe (sunshine). The image was very strong. I was wondering though, about how you are first addressing "sunshine" and then you immediately refer to it as "it". However, you fit it in very well with the Oscar Wilde. This is ambiguous and clear at the same time. I really like how you do that as well. Good internal rhyme ("rapture and scripture"). One thing I really have liked in the past about your writing is how descriptive you are. All in all, I am impressed.

This is a lot better than what I've been writing a.k.a. nothing. I have been so busy. :-(
haha thank you very much! And to clarify the use of first, "sunshine" then, "Sunshine", the former is refering to a drug or substance, whereas the former that has a capital "S" is me addressing a "person". Thanks for the response!

[newtothis]

haha thank you very much! And to clarify the use of first, "sunshine" then, "Sunshine", the former is refering to a drug or substance, whereas the former that has a capital "S" is me addressing a "person". Thanks for the response!

Thanks. That does help. :) Yeah, I haven't posted in a long time either.

[OveriseFan]

Have you posted this (or a draft of this) before? It seems very, very familliar.

[Animalhill]

Have you posted this (or a draft of this) before? It seems very, very familliar.
The only line I took from something oldwas, "You can't snort sunshine, sunshine".

[OveriseFan]

The only line I took from something oldwas, "You can't snort sunshine, sunshine".

Ok. That answered my question. Hahahaha.

I'll get to this soon.

[Animalhill]

Ok. That answered my question. Hahahaha.

I'll get to this soon.
haha word man- much thanks.

[Animalhill]

David is a lying, twited-tongued aryan ;-)

[The Personist]

What anemic early morning are you inhaling right now?
And the sick doctor that worked on your skin, are his
hands sad and small?
I bet he couldn't light the flame like I did;
or spin hymns that glowed and revolved
like the charged abandon of our hips.
I like the "sad and small hands" bit, as well as the image of spinning hymns. This stanza works pretty well, though I would say that "charged abandon" doesn't really strike me too much. Also, "I bet he couldn't light the flame like I did" seems borderline cliche, at least insofar as the treatment of "flame" is concerned.


I am the rapture and the scripture that brought you there,
and now the greed with which you glow can never be quelled.
I'm not sure how I feel about you repeating "glow" so soon, though in general, the second line is a little awkward. Though grammatically correct, "greed with which you glow" slows it down, I feel like. "The greed you glow with" would work fine.


Sunshine,
my decline was so slow.
You see, you cannot snort sunshine,
Sunshine; it gets lost behind your eyes.
I ran so fast at night that the stars became drunken lines that devised,
"The curves of her lips will rewrite history.
The world is changed because she was made".
I dont' think "devised" is the right word for what you're trying to say. I'm also a little iffy on the use of back-to-back "sunshines." It feels like a throwaway one-liner. This also threw me a bit because you say your decline was slow at the beginning, but then you have yourself running fast at night after your first snorting of sunshine. I could be nitpicking (I probably am) but this just struck me as an awkward juxtaposition of the images. I think if you're going to say your decline was "slow," we should get a sense of that in the ensuing description of said decline. I begin to wonder if "decline" is even th word you want, because it's a very tame word in comparison to what you're talking about.

Sunshine,
I showed you the meaning of electricity and
how it is caged within our fingers like a patient canary,
but yours was a storm that shook the earth.
The third line about the canary seems a bit wordy/awkward, and you're introducing a lot of imagery almost wantonly. Electricity, the canary, and the storm all feel like they could go somewhere, but they don't. Perhaps you could develop them a bit more? I like the canary one the most, of course; the storm is kind of cliche.


Can you explain why the sum of us collides?
For all of the sense it makes, at least my senses were made.
With the jailbirds of the evening, I am released;
now watch me roar accross the sea to Tel Aviv.
The second line comes across as a Pete Wentz one-liner to me. It feels contrived and is just a play on words for playing on words' sake. I'm not really sure what the significance of Tel Aviv is to this piece, and to introduce it at the end and not give us any reason for you to be going THERE specifically is a little awkward. "Jailbirds of the evening" is...OK, but it doesn't really strike me or do much for me in terms of adding to the piece. This is probably the weakest stanza you have here.

Overall, however, you've done a nice job. Always a pleasure to read your writing, even if I am a dirty Aryan (though that in itself seems oxymoronic, doesn't it?)

[Animalhill]

What anemic early morning are you inhaling right now?
And the sick doctor that worked on your skin, are his
hands sad and small?
I bet he couldn't light the flame like I did;
or spin hymns that glowed and revolved
like the charged abandon of our hips.
I like the "sad and small hands" bit, as well as the image of spinning hymns. This stanza works pretty well, though I would say that "charged abandon" doesn't really strike me too much. Also, "I bet he couldn't light the flame like I did" seems borderline cliche, at least insofar as the treatment of "flame" is concerned.


I am the rapture and the scripture that brought you there,
and now the greed with which you glow can never be quelled.
I'm not sure how I feel about you repeating "glow" so soon, though in general, the second line is a little awkward. Though grammatically correct, "greed with which you glow" slows it down, I feel like. "The greed you glow with" would work fine.


Sunshine,
my decline was so slow.
You see, you cannot snort sunshine,
Sunshine; it gets lost behind your eyes.
I ran so fast at night that the stars became drunken lines that devised,
"The curves of her lips will rewrite history.
The world is changed because she was made".
I dont' think "devised" is the right word for what you're trying to say. I'm also a little iffy on the use of back-to-back "sunshines." It feels like a throwaway one-liner. This also threw me a bit because you say your decline was slow at the beginning, but then you have yourself running fast at night after your first snorting of sunshine. I could be nitpicking (I probably am) but this just struck me as an awkward juxtaposition of the images. I think if you're going to say your decline was "slow," we should get a sense of that in the ensuing description of said decline. I begin to wonder if "decline" is even th word you want, because it's a very tame word in comparison to what you're talking about.

Sunshine,
I showed you the meaning of electricity and
how it is caged within our fingers like a patient canary,
but yours was a storm that shook the earth.
The third line about the canary seems a bit wordy/awkward, and you're introducing a lot of imagery almost wantonly. Electricity, the canary, and the storm all feel like they could go somewhere, but they don't. Perhaps you could develop them a bit more? I like the canary one the most, of course; the storm is kind of cliche.


Can you explain why the sum of us collides?
For all of the sense it makes, at least my senses were made.
With the jailbirds of the evening, I am released;
now watch me roar accross the sea to Tel Aviv.
The second line comes across as a Pete Wentz one-liner to me. It feels contrived and is just a play on words for playing on words' sake. I'm not really sure what the significance of Tel Aviv is to this piece, and to introduce it at the end and not give us any reason for you to be going THERE specifically is a little awkward. "Jailbirds of the evening" is...OK, but it doesn't really strike me or do much for me in terms of adding to the piece. This is probably the weakest stanza you have here.

Overall, however, you've done a nice job. Always a pleasure to read your writing, even if I am a dirty Aryan (though that in itself seems oxymoronic, doesn't it?)

Very, very much thanks for the criticism my friend, it was much needed. I've already done some editing on this myself, but your comments have solidified many of my concerns with this piece.
EDIT: READ THE LUCIFER PRINCIPLE ;-)

[fishingthe_sky]

What anemic early morning are you inhaling right now?
And the sick doctor that worked on your skin, are his
hands sad and small?
I bet he couldn't light the flame like I did;
or spin hymns that glowed and revolved
like the charged abandon of our hips.
My only big complaint is "anemic early morning" which sounds sort of jumbled up. I don't really understand the motive of the question pertaining to the doctor. It's a fragment that you don't complete, which is unfortunate, because it's a well-phrased question. The semicolon after "did" should be a comma.

I am the rapture and the scripture that brought you there,
and now the greed with which you glow can never be quelled.
I don't know if "rapture and scripture" should both be here. It's too sweeping to pinpoint a particular thing, defeating the purpose of trying to give us such a strong metaphor. I'm also on the fence about using "glow" here, since it's such a particular word an you used it three lines prior. A way you can strengthen the language here is by making the second line "and now the greed you glow with..." as saying "with which" is passive voice, and loses a lot of steam.

Sunshine,
my decline was so slow.
You see, you cannot snort sunshine,
Sunshine; it gets lost behind your eyes.
I ran so fast at night that the stars became drunken lines that devised,
"The curves of her lips will rewrite history.
The world is changed because she was made".
Egh, I didn't really like this bit. The repetition of sunshine just isn't working, and the reiterations of it don't really build a really cohesive image.

Sunshine,
I showed you the meaning of electricity and
how it is caged within our fingers like a patient canary,
but yours was a storm that shook the earth.
This isn't bad, although the turn in the last line is a little awkward in it's delivery.

Can you explain why the sum of us collides?
For all of the sense it makes, at least my senses were made.
With the jailbirds of the evening, I am released;
now watch me roar accross the sea to Tel Aviv.
The turn of phrase in the second line of this was a bit too Pete Wentz for my liking, but other than that this wraps the poem up pretty nicely.