Pie

[newtothis]

Hi everyone. I know I haven't posted in forever. There has been a lot going on with me. So... here you go.


Yesterday I was my grandmother’s blueberry banana crème pie:
A frothy mix of whipped cream and settled egg whites.
Blended by years of Southern cooking
and chilled into a crusty, crumbling shell,
today, I was eaten by my grandmother’s children.
When wounds rained down from metal forks
They said I could be remade,
But all I saw were distorted figurines reflected from the gleam
Of silver faces alight with the joy of stuffing me into themselves.

[newtothis]

Anyone?

[dtrzcin]

You're making me hungry.

Also, it was interesting.

[newtothis]

Thanks.

[Ryzenfall]

I'll comment more on this when I get back, and I will probably want to look for your older stuff.

[newtothis]

I'll comment more on this when I get back, and I will probably want to look for your older stuff.

Thanks. I'm going to be out of town for a week starting tomorrow, but I appreciate it. Just warning you, I think only a few of my older pieces on this site are acceptable and even remotely good. My later stuff is better. So... consider yourself warned. David can tell you.

[Ryzenfall]

Thanks. I'm going to be out of town for a week starting tomorrow, but I appreciate it. Just warning you, I think only a few of my older pieces on this site are acceptable and even remotely good. My later stuff is better. So... consider yourself warned. David can tell you.

There is no need to apologize. We all have our crap floating around in this forum for anyone to read. If david already got to you with his razorblade critic keyboard fingers then I think maybe i'll just read.

[newtothis]

There is no need to apologize. We all have our crap floating around in this forum for anyone to read. If david already got to you with his razorblade critic keyboard fingers then I think maybe i'll just read.

Ha. No apologizing. I will say what I have is better than a lot that is posted here. It IS an ego booster. haha. Even if razor boy has critiqued some, I would still appreciate your feedback. This may come as a shock to you and him, but David is not the perfect and all-knowing critic;-)

[Ryzenfall]

Yesterday I was my grandmother’s blueberry banana crème pie:
A frothy mix of whipped cream and settled egg whites.

Blended by years of Southern cooking

This line could be referring to you as a person or the pie, but the subject here is "I." I realize this is probably a stupid statement because the pie is currently being used as a metaphor for you, so technically they'd be the same... but maybe you could juxtapose this line with a trait more readily applicable to humans as the next line is more readily applicable to food. Just an idea. There is nothing wrong with this line though.

and chilled into a crusty, crumbling shell,
today, I was eaten by my grandmother’s children.

Does this mean siblings? For some reason I had an image of people much younger than the author.

When wounds rained down from metal forks
They said I could be remade,
But all I saw were distorted figurines reflected from the gleam
Of silver faces alight with the joy of stuffing me into themselves.

The "remade" part is key, I feel, to this entire piece, so it's unfortunate that it's not especially clear. However, I think that poems do not exactly demand to be easily understood, but I'm just making an observation, that maybe the most important part is the least explained. This is not necessarily a bad thing, it's just for your information.

I really liked this and connected to something in it and in the author despite the nature of it's obscure meanings, or maybe even because of them. It's very focused and the imagery and psychological expressions are vivid. I look forward to more of your writing.

[fishingthe_sky]

Hi everyone. I know I haven't posted in forever. There has been a lot going on with me. So... here you go.


Yesterday I was my grandmother’s blueberry banana crème pie:
A frothy mix of whipped cream and settled egg whites.
Blended by years of Southern cooking
and chilled into a crusty, crumbling shell,
today, I was eaten by my grandmother’s children.
When wounds rained down from metal forks
They said I could be remade,
But all I saw were distorted figurines reflected from the gleam
Of silver faces alight with the joy of stuffing me into themselves.
This isn't bad, but a part of me feels like perhaps the obvious pie=me metaphor is too obvious. It takes away any sense of implicity that you could get. You're certainly capable of building up this pie making and consuming scene an effective metaphor for family without going all the way with spelling things out. I think that I walk away not really knowing exactly what your aim with this was, precisely because you spell it out for us; with nothing to really dig for, I'm left with only a sense of "huh, what just happened."

[newtothis]

Yesterday I was my grandmother’s blueberry banana crème pie:
A frothy mix of whipped cream and settled egg whites.

Blended by years of Southern cooking

This line could be referring to you as a person or the pie, but the subject here is "I." I realize this is probably a stupid statement because the pie is currently being used as a metaphor for you, so technically they'd be the same... but maybe you could juxtapose this line with a trait more readily applicable to humans as the next line is more readily applicable to food. Just an idea. There is nothing wrong with this line though.

and chilled into a crusty, crumbling shell,
today, I was eaten by my grandmother’s children.

Does this mean siblings? For some reason I had an image of people much younger than the author.

When wounds rained down from metal forks
They said I could be remade,
But all I saw were distorted figurines reflected from the gleam
Of silver faces alight with the joy of stuffing me into themselves.

The "remade" part is key, I feel, to this entire piece, so it's unfortunate that it's not especially clear. However, I think that poems do not exactly demand to be easily understood, but I'm just making an observation, that maybe the most important part is the least explained. This is not necessarily a bad thing, it's just for your information.

I really liked this and connected to something in it and in the author despite the nature of it's obscure meanings, or maybe even because of them. It's very focused and the imagery and psychological expressions are vivid. I look forward to more of your writing.

Thanks. I appreciate your comments,and will take them in mind, esp. in my revisions.

[newtothis]

This isn't bad, but a part of me feels like perhaps the obvious pie=me metaphor is too obvious. It takes away any sense of implicity that you could get. You're certainly capable of building up this pie making and consuming scene an effective metaphor for family without going all the way with spelling things out. I think that I walk away not really knowing exactly what your aim with this was, precisely because you spell it out for us; with nothing to really dig for, I'm left with only a sense of "huh, what just happened."

Thanks. I really like this piece. I will work on it some more. This is just the first verse, by the way. I am really considering how I want to expand it.