Dispatches (from the Easy Heroics and the Heroically Easy)

[Ryzenfall]

I express no values
Tongues tie on their own
the mother tongue
the rouge hands
the knot in your right mind.

I receive no values
I make my own mimicry
out of battle ashes
and I hold to them;
They stick to skin
as ashes should.

I impart no values
I swallow sound
I belch and lace
the stench with gold
like marveling swine
on a burnished horn.

I attract no values
Image sense;
Sense of the smooth.
Nice words & blameless wine.
The early to die.
The surely to die.
The best ladder to the glorious
Rampart of Ends Forgot.

I reach for no values
Nor endless things;
To no nation,
no saint nor miscreant.
I reach for no God
in the true sense of the word,
I reach for nothing.


------------
a.f.i.a.

(This may be exponentially added to, but this is what it is for now.)

[newtothis]

I express no values
Tongues tie on their own
the mother tongue
the rouge hands
the knot in your right mind.

I receive no values
I make my own mimicry
out of battle ashes
and I hold to them;
They stick to skin
as ashes should.

I impart no values
I swallow sound
I belch and lace
the stench with gold
like marveling swine
on a burnished horn.

I attract no values
Image sense;
Sense of the smooth.
Nice words & blameless wine.
The early to die.
The surely to die.
The best ladder to the glorious
Rampart of Ends Forgotten.

I reach for no values
Nor endless things;
To no nation,
no saint nor miscreant.
I reach for no God
in the true sense of the word,
I reach for nothing.


------------
a.f.i.a.

(This may be exponentially added to, but this is what it is for now.)

I like this. Very methodical, and the structure is very exact, something I really appreciate in poetry, especially considering my own struggles with it. You have very good rhythm and imagery. Honestly, you do well, with expressing yourself. At first I wasn't sure about how you state what you wanted to say in the first lines of every stanza, but you did make it work. Kudos. Be careful with the internal rhyme (early, surely) and that it doesn't detract from the serious tone you created. Other than that, I say good job :D

[Ryzenfall]

I like this. Very methodical, and the structure is very exact, something I really appreciate in poetry, especially considering my own struggles with it. You have very good rhythm and imagery. Honestly, you do well, with expressing yourself. At first I wasn't sure about how you state what you wanted to say in the first lines of every stanza, but you did make it work. Kudos. Be careful with the internal rhyme (early, surely) and that it doesn't detract from the serious tone you created. Other than that, I say good job :D

Thanks for the kind words.

As for the internal rhyme, I did not even catch that, as it was unintentional. I guess I pronounce "surely" (shoor-lee) and not (sher-li) so it wouldn't rhyme at all. I wish there was a way to make a clear distinction in writing, ha.

[newtothis]

Thanks for the kind words.

As for the internal rhyme, I did not even catch that, as it was unintentional. I guess I pronounce "surely" (shoor-lee) and not (sher-li) so it wouldn't rhyme at all. I wish there was a way to make a clear distinction in writing, ha.

Ha. I am from the South. The way I say words is not the same. If that helps. You know, I say ya'll and soda instead of pop and all that jazz.

[TK]

I express no values
Tongues tie on their own
the mother tongue
the rouge hands
the knot in your right mind.


Didn't really care for this. You begin the stanza and poem with a direct statement and then turn ambiguous, which isn't bad, but I really didn't see what linked the middle section of this together. The second line got me excited, and the rest of this just fell flat.


I receive no values
I make my own mimicry
out of battle ashes
and I hold to them;
They stick to skin
as ashes should.


I liked this. Although I'm still unsure whether I like "hold to them" and then "they stick". If you were trying to give two different feelings, then this is good, but I'm not entirely sure if you were or not.


I impart no values
I swallow sound
I belch and lace
the stench with gold
like marveling swine
on a burnished horn.


This is pretty bleh. I can't necessary find anything that's particularly wrong with this except the fact I don't feel like you're saying much of anything. The second line was interesting, but you didn't expand on it...at all.


I attract no values
Image sense;
Sense of the smooth.
Nice words & blameless wine.
The early to die.
The surely to die.
The best ladder to the glorious
Rampart of Ends Forgot.


I liked this. Only thing that I noticed was "wine" being used so soon after "swine". I'm not complaining or anything, just inserting a random tidbit of information to make up for my lack of critiquing, lol.


I reach for no values
Nor endless things;
To no nation,
no saint nor miscreant.
I reach for no God
in the true sense of the word,
I reach for nothing.


This wasn't by far my favorite stanza. I really like this as a ending, good job.

Now, I have to interject one more thing I noticed, but I'm not saying you need to change it, just pointing out some thing that stuck out to me. You begin each stanza with a direct statement, and then the second lines in the second and third stanzas are direct statements as well, while the rest of the stanzas do not have direct statements. I thought this kind of detracted from the consistency of the poem as well as the structure.

Overall, this was decent, but my main problem with this is that I felt you express very little in parts. I might be wrong, because I am not the best at connecting things, but from a average reader, this seemed too vague to say anything. Definitely like the idea of this though, so I'd work with this if I were you.

[Ryzenfall]

Overall, this was decent, but my main problem with this is that I felt you express very little in parts. I might be wrong, because I am not the best at connecting things, but from a average reader, this seemed too vague to say anything. Definitely like the idea of this though, so I'd work with this if I were you.

Thanks for the critique. This admittedly came across as pretty obscure in terms of deciphering meaning. I suppose that's why I kept the direct statement motif in the beginnings, but apparently it got confusing. I try and often struggle to say much in few words while still maintaining the phenomenon of coherent communication.

I'll probably work on this a lot more... I can see where you are coming from on all your points. I scribbled this down quickly in an electricity free room, so I think I'll reread it and put myself in the shoes of the reader for once.

[Ryzenfall]

from a average reader


Here are some revisions.

Dispatches (of the Easy Heroics and the Heroically Easy)

I express no values
Tongues tie on their own
doused in the moonshine over
barstools and polished libertine confidence
or when the old loyals find out
or by familiar kids, too clean to ask
and the ghosts of guilt weaving
on my knowing walls.
For I became and begot
the mother tongue
the rouge hands
the knot in your right mind.

I receive no values
I make my own mimicry
out of battle ashes
and I hold to them;
They stick to skin
as ashes should.

I impart no values
I swallow sound
The legal lies and thinly baked
front pages.
Dead shell songs on the flat cove
of a whaler’s planet.
I belch and lace
the stench with gold
like marveling swine
on a burnished horn.

I attract no values
Image sense;
Sense of the smooth.
Nice words & blameless wine.
The early to die.
The surely to die.
The best ladder to the glorious
Rampart of Ends Forgot.

I reach for no values
Nor endless things;
To no nation,
no saint nor miscreant.
I reach for no God
in the true sense of the word,
I reach for nothing.

[fishingthe_sky]

I express no values
Tongues tie on their own
doused in the moonshine over
barstools and polished libertine confidence
or when the old loyals find out
or by familiar kids, too clean to ask
and the ghosts of guilt weaving
on my knowing walls.
For I became and begot
the mother tongue
the rouge hands
the knot in your right mind.
I feel like this stanza would be a little clearer if you had some more punctuation. It gets a little muddy between "moonshine" and "walls" because everything sort of bleeds together in a lot of prepositional phrases/incomplete sentences, making it hard to determine exactly what's going on.

I receive no values
I make my own mimicry
out of battle ashes
and I hold to them;
They stick to skin
as ashes should.
I like this stanza a great deal. The sounds and diction work together nicely.

I impart no values
I swallow sound
The legal lies and thinly baked
front pages.
Dead shell songs on the flat cove
of a whaler’s planet.
I belch and lace
the stench with gold
like marveling swine
on a burnished horn.
I also like the second half of this stanza, though the first four lines are considerably weaker, as they are pretty well-worn and uninteresting ideas.

I attract no values
Image sense;
Sense of the smooth.
Nice words & blameless wine.
The early to die.
The surely to die.
The best ladder to the glorious
Rampart of Ends Forgot.
Egh, I don't really like this stanza. It comes off the heels of two strong ones and doesn't have any of the interesting language or evocative ideas as they do.

I reach for no values
Nor endless things;
To no nation,
no saint nor miscreant.
I reach for no God
in the true sense of the word,
I reach for nothing.
The ending feels a little too "This is the goal of this poem" for my liking, but it does work for this poem.

I think my only overall issue is with the first lines of the stanzas. It's a fine idea, and if you tweaked it a little could be effective, but right now none of the lines are quite strong enough to illicit the repetition of ideas, if that makes sense. This is one of my favorite things from you, though.

[Ryzenfall]

everything sort of bleeds together

Again, thanks so much for the critique. I did some revisions.



Dispatches (of the Easy Heroics and the Heroically Easy)

I express no values | I tangle intentions and set them in drawers.
Tongues tie on their own
doused in the moonshine over
barstools, and confidence of polished libertines;
Or when the old loyals find out;
Or by familiar kids, too clean to ask,
and the ghosts of guilt weaving
on my knowing walls.
For I became and begot
the mother tongue,
the rouge hands,
the knot in your right mind.

I receive no values | I am statue and not forest.
I make my own mimicry
out of battle ashes
and I hold to them;
They stick to skin
as ashes should.

I impart no values | I endowed wooden wives till I turned to chaff.
I swallow sound
Open mouthed, to keen oblations
and peddlers smoke:
Dead shell songs on the flat cove
of a whaler’s planet.
I belch and lace
the stench with gold,
like marveling swine
on a burnished horn.

I attract no values | I weigh the worlds against me, without anchor.
Image sense,
Sense of the smooth:
The aptitude of the luminary
ephemeral dust,
with remnants in frames
and none in rib cages.
With maps to the grail
and none to the spring.

My sleep is equal to my wakeness. | I reach for no values
Nor endless things;
To no nation,
no saint nor miscreant.
I reach for no God
in the true sense of the word,
I reach for nothing.