So this is the first time i've submitted anything.

[KirstyLinnane]

Some feedback would be amazing as i dont know where i stand right now.
Just a short song i've just written, spur of the moment type - you know those moments where you justt need to vent.
I'm thinking it needs another verse of some sort in the middle, just to round the story. But then again i like the mystery of its hollowness.
For some reason i feel quite ashamed, no one knows i write, they just know i play the acoustic, and thats about it.
So ive created a simple melody on the ol' acoustic to get the feel of the song, ans its emotion.
Sorry if i've written an essay already, or given you my life story.
I dont mean to bore you, here's the lyrics 'For You.'

All aboard this train
Designed for those fragile hearts
That need a break
Not to break.

Running on a parallel track
Sitting patiently, all the while knowing
The more stations we pass
The harder it will be to turn back.

But somehow i'll risk it
My wounded heart will risk it
For you.

Chorus
For you i'll break the mould
These cliche lyrics will unfold
I hope they do unravel,
Reveal what i'm trying to say.

Termination calls surround
Broken hearts are beating now
But i remain the same
A hollow shell of what you made me
I'm immune to my surroundings
The final call is being made
And im not sure i want to leave
This cabin is my only security
But i just pray that you know.

Chorus
For you i'll break the mould
These cliche lyrics will unfold
I hope they do unravel,
Reveal what im trying to say.

And what i'm trying to say is
This is, for you.
I am, for you.

[newtothis]

Ok, here are a few of my thoughts:
1.Why would her wounded heart take a risk for someone that wounded her?
2. Don't write in the song that the lyrics are cliche. That is just admitting to all your listeners that you wrote something you know is not original. Also, the idea is a bit cliche. I like that you used a metaphor to express some of your feelings, but try to get a bit more creative. It will make the song much better and will be more likely to grab your listener's attention.
3. If you are immune to your surroundings, how are you noticing each station passing by (yes, I know it is a metaphor, but you need to be consistent).
4. What cabin?
5. Don't tell us at the very end what you are trying to say. That ruins the point of using a metaphor at all.

Sorry if that sounded harsh. Don't be afraid to write. It is awesome that you decided to post. :-) Keep working on it.