to the Question of why i am so freezing

[MinionOfBoredom]

I'm sorry. I left my humanity
with the sun-drenched umbrella
somewhere in the park,
the hidden nexus of this suburbia.
The umbrella has company:
for now, the shadows
slipping like smiles
in and out of existence;
for later, the drunken brawl
between moonlight and lamplight.
The other has probably run off
to the forever purple skies of France,
nonchalantly pocketing the Eiffel Tower
as the watchman sneezes.

---

ps. Again, don't mind the title; I stick with the working titles of everything as they are.

Any thoughts?

[chipdip18]

I really like it, but the word 'nonchalantly' doesn't sit right when i read it.

[tommy's ghost]

I really like it, but the word 'nonchalantly' doesn't sit right when i read it.

I'm fairly sure he used it because of the word's etymology. In keeping with the whole French aesthetic at the end, you know.

I think this is great.

[chipdip18]

I'm fairly sure he used it because of the word's etymology. In keeping with the whole French aesthetic at the end, you know.

I think this is great.


I understand that, but to me it's a word that doesn't sound very good out loud in that place.

[tommy's ghost]

I understand that, but to me it's a word that doesn't sound very good out loud in that place.

Well, it is a mouthful.

[chipdip18]

Haha it realy is

[MinionOfBoredom]

Shh, it's only four syllables! :P

Yeah, it's a bit of a mouthful, and I'm not sure how poetic it is -- I did include it for the French motif; "sangfroid" was the other word that was in my head at the time, but I couldn't find a spot for it, heh.

[Ryzenfall]

:P


Good job on this. I too thought "nonchalantly" was a bit wordy. I think even something as simple as "casually" would flow better.
Also, maybe I'm just tired from the hospital or what, but I can't seem to figure out who or what "the other" that pockets the Tower is referring to. Maybe I missed something, but if not, there might be some clarity needed.


Again though, a lot of poetry I read seems to be more about creating an aesthetic than "omg what is the plot here?? I want to know exactly what it means and dissect it ad nauseam!!" It's your call really, but it's just an observation.

[MinionOfBoredom]

Also, maybe I'm just tired from the hospital or what, but I can't seem to figure out who or what "the other" that pockets the Tower is referring to. Maybe I missed something, but if not, there might be some clarity needed.

The other is in reference to "my humanity."

It might be a bit vague, in retrospect.

Thanks for the comments, though -- I'll think of something to replace nonchalantly. "Casually" works, but doesn't convey "apathetic" as much as I'd like...and "apathetically" doesn't convey "casually" as much as I'd like it to.

But hey, small sacrifices.

[Ryzenfall]

The other is in reference to "my humanity."

It might be a bit vague, in retrospect.

Thanks for the comments, though -- I'll think of something to replace nonchalantly. "Casually" works, but doesn't convey "apathetic" as much as I'd like...and "apathetically" doesn't convey "casually" as much as I'd like it to.

But hey, small sacrifices.

Ah, got it. Yeah, there were just a lot of variables introduced since then (the umbrella, the shadows, the light, etc.).

That's true. If anything though, I can see what aesthetic you are going for, which is really the foundation. Keep looking for the words if you have to.