First Post.

[SHUTYOUREYESx]

This is my first post and I wanted to get some constructive critisizm. So here goes nothing!


With wings of silence i'll march to the top
Where my heart meets desperation
Which in some odd way becomes this thing i call lust
So i'm alittle eccentric, Big deal you're a liar
Your words are like the blunt side of a jagged edge
Piercing through the lids of my eyes
And i'm probably going to hell for what i say next
But god damnit, it turns me on

You know to say that we're sorry
Is like a that alcoholic who says just one more
We're always using sorry as an excuse
That's why when i say fuck you instead of sorry
That way people know I'm telling the truth

Who spoke the words of an unforgettable legend
You did atleast i think so
I was alittle drunk sure but can you blame me
I doubt it
You've gotten nothing on me
And I've got you half-naked with his best friend
Black mail baby

[SHUTYOUREYESx]

=/ bump?

[Andy]

Its not bad, but I find the violence metaphor very trite.

"You've gotten nothing on me
And I've got you half-naked with his best friend
Black mail baby"

This is good, I like the rhyme

"We're always using sorry as an excuse
That's why when i say fuck you instead of sorry
That way people know I'm telling the truth"

Nice rhythm. I kinda like how blunt it is, even though I usually don't like that, it gets the point across.

[a speedo model]

i really like it. the first verse is very good. a good first post, keep it up.

[SHUTYOUREYESx]

wow. thanks. im suprised it wasnt ripped apart. haha.

[Andy]

Since this is the only thing Ive read by you, I might be completely off here, but some advice could be to try and expand a bit, maybe try writing some longer material, cover some different subjects.

[SHUTYOUREYESx]

ive tried writing more, its just it stops making sense after right about there. Its hard to stay on topic or create transitions from one topic to another.

[Andy]

Yeah, thats true. Thats the only way I know, not just you, but anyone, can get better. Just keep writing, trying new things.

Wow, that was a weird sentence. Anyway, you get the point.

[SHUTYOUREYESx]

thanks for all the help :)

[ArTkY_]

This is pretty good. Welcome to the most dead section on AP!