Lungs (Quis Nos Erant Est Non Quisnam Nos Es)

[a speedo model]

A new one, finally. It's been in the works for a while, pieced together slowly.

I've been a ghost here for a while. Hello.



"Lungs (Quis Nos Erant Est Non Quisnam Nos Es)"

All our hands filled with dust and cold leaves
The sun in the sky sinks like something lonely
Tangled with the morning news that had you so depressed
We were so young so long, but don't fill these shoes yet
Built our dreams to rafts and headed for different views
They told me I was no one and I have made that my excuse

Hidden in my pocket, I carried the stars the whole afternoon
With secrets up both my sleeves and smiles that we soft and new
I like the way you look next to me
So stay if it suits you, but if you ask me
I think I like the way you look next to me

We never close our windows, we keep our memories in cardboard
The snowfalls like angels as all our voicews lose their strength

Cut me from the tar and leave me all over the streets
I will role out thin and feel tired feet walk all over me
No one tells the truth because we've all got bloody hands
The less you know, the more you may like what you see
So we'll write our history like novels that put our children to sleep
Chandelier romances, always hanging by the door ready to leave

A ghost lives in the closet with our shoes and coats
And another in the drawer with photos and old hopes
I woke up with my head filled full of straw like a scarecrow
And asked the kites why they won't come down but they don't reply

I cut a bird out of white letter paper, pinned it above the bed to the ceiling
So you can dream of flying while I will always dream of falling
Wings spread open like a child's arms as it runs up and down the street
Where all the buildings sink into the ground and we pretend not to see
That who we were is ruining what we could be

[tawtaw]

I like it.

[a speedo model]

I like it.
Thank you.

[TK]

"Lungs (Quis Nos Erant Est Non Quisnam Nos Es)"

All our hands filled with dust and cold leaves
The sun in the sky sinks like something lonely
Tangled with the morning news that had you so depressed
We were so young so long, but don't fill these shoes yet
Built our dreams to rafts and headed for different views
They told me I was no one and I have made that my excuse


The first two lines seem out of place and awkward. I'm not sure what it is exactly. Perhaps because in the first line you use past tense while in the next one you use present? There also doesn't seem to be much of any flow to them. Maybe it would work better if you used "While the sunk in the sky sank...". It's just a suggestion, though I wouldn't definitely change "sinks" as the rest of the stanza is in past tense and this just sticks out. The fourth line was solid and I really liked the last line as well. This would be a solid beginning if you can just work out the wording of a couple bits.


Hidden in my pocket, I carried the stars the whole afternoon
With secrets up both my sleeves and smiles that we soft and new
I like the way you look next to me
So stay if it suits you, but if you ask me
I think I like the way you look next to me


In the second line is "we" supposed to be "we're"? Also, is there any relevance with the fifth line by adding the "I think"? If you were intending to imply that you're doubting it slightly or at least unsure on rather you like her next to you, then it works. But I wasn't really sure if that's what you were going for or not. Other than that, this is pretty solid.


We never close our windows, we keep our memories in cardboard
The snowfalls like angels as all our voicews lose their strength


I like the first line, although I'm not sure how I feel about the second.


Cut me from the tar and leave me all over the streets
I will role out thin and feel tired feet walk all over me
No one tells the truth because we've all got bloody hands
The less you know, the more you may like what you see
So we'll write our history like novels that put our children to sleep
Chandelier romances, always hanging by the door ready to leave


I loved the first two lines, really well written. I think the bloody hands part is a bit overdone, but you wrote it well, so there's not too much I can complain about. I also really liked the last two lines. This stanza is by far my favorite. Really good stuff.


A ghost lives in the closet with our shoes and coats
And another in the drawer with photos and old hopes
I woke up with my head filled full of straw like a scarecrow
And asked the kites why they won't come down but they don't reply


Eh. I didn't really care for this to be honest. The last two lines are okay, but the first two just seem pointless to me.


I cut a bird out of white letter paper, pinned it above the bed to the ceiling
So you can dream of flying while I will always dream of falling
Wings spread open like a child's arms as it runs up and down the street
Where all the buildings sink into the ground and we pretend not to see
That who we were is ruining what we could be

I really liked what image you were trying to project in the second line, but I felt you could have done a better job. Maybe add another line in? I'm not sure. It's still good though. The last line is good. Overall, this is definitely a good piece, although I think there's a fair amount of improvement that could be made. You've always been one of my favorite posters, so it's nice to see you post something new. Hopefully you continue to post.

[a speedo model]

The first two lines seem out of place and awkward. I'm not sure what it is exactly. Perhaps because in the first line you use past tense while in the next one you use present? There also doesn't seem to be much of any flow to them. Maybe it would work better if you used "While the sunk in the sky sank...". It's just a suggestion, though I wouldn't definitely change "sinks" as the rest of the stanza is in past tense and this just sticks out. The fourth line was solid and I really liked the last line as well. This would be a solid beginning if you can just work out the wording of a couple bits.



In the second line is "we" supposed to be "we're"? Also, is there any relevance with the fifth line by adding the "I think"? If you were intending to imply that you're doubting it slightly or at least unsure on rather you like her next to you, then it works. But I wasn't really sure if that's what you were going for or not. Other than that, this is pretty solid.



I like the first line, although I'm not sure how I feel about the second.



I loved the first two lines, really well written. I think the bloody hands part is a bit overdone, but you wrote it well, so there's not too much I can complain about. I also really liked the last two lines. This stanza is by far my favorite. Really good stuff.



Eh. I didn't really care for this to be honest. The last two lines are okay, but the first two just seem pointless to me.



I really liked what image you were trying to project in the second line, but I felt you could have done a better job. Maybe add another line in? I'm not sure. It's still good though. The last line is good. Overall, this is definitely a good piece, although I think there's a fair amount of improvement that could be made. You've always been one of my favorite posters, so it's nice to see you post something new. Hopefully you continue to post.
I am working on rewording the first stanza, especially first two lines trying to get the flow to fit a bit better.

It is supposed to be "we're" I typed this up rather then copy/paste so I must've missed that, my bad. Adding "I think" was meant merely to display the youthful romance. There is a sense of uncertainty to the relationship, they are young and perhaps he's not sure if he likes it or not. He believes he does. Haha, to be honest I didn't over think it.

Thank you for your thoughtful comments and feedback, always liked you so I appreciate your thoughts. Hopefully I'll be in here more, this place is very different then when I was around though.

Cheers.

[as_we_learn]

Josiah! I don't have much to say other than things that have been said, but I adored this piece. So glad to see you back and hopefully you post much more.

[OveriseFan]

What do you want the Latin to say? Because I'm something of a Latin scholar (not really at all...) and can't seem to understand exactly what you're trying to say.

[a speedo model]

Josiah! I don't have much to say other than things that have been said, but I adored this piece. So glad to see you back and hopefully you post much more.
:-) Thank you, great to see you and hear your feedback. I hope to post more, I'll try.
What do you want the Latin to say? Because I'm something of a Latin scholar (not really at all...) and can't seem to understand exactly what you're trying to say.
Fun fact, I forget. I read it years ago in one of my father's Latin books, I remember reading the translation and loving it. So I've kept that scrawled out on a piece of paper for a while for a title.

But now I have no clue :unsure: I liked the idea of the title being....perhaps cryptic? I dunno, I suck. haha

How are you, James?

[fishingthe_sky]

All our hands filled with dust and cold leaves
The sun in the sky sinks like something lonely
Tangled with the morning news that had you so depressed
We were so young so long, but don't fill these shoes yet
Built our dreams to rafts and headed for different views
They told me I was no one and I have made that my excuse
Two and a half things I have issue with: 1) "in the sky" sounds redundant and a tad childish. We all know the sun's in the sky, and other than to round out the line, it doesn't do anything in any way for this; it's use is so trivial that it's not worth having here. 2) "so young so long" is awkwardly phrased. I see what you're going for, but it's a struggle to say out loud, and I can't help but wonder if there's a way for you to change it to keep the same idea but make it less awkward. And a half) Such a deliberate disregard for punctuation must have a purpose, but I don't see it here.

I want to read the first line as "cold dust and leaves" for some reason. Personally, I find the rhythm better, but that's purely my own preference.

Hidden in my pocket, I carried the stars the whole afternoon
With secrets up both my sleeves and smiles that we soft and new
I like the way you look next to me
So stay if it suits you, but if you ask me
I think I like the way you look next to me
I don't hate this stanza, perhaps other than the first part of the second stanza (no secret as to why, I'm sure), though the last three lines feel like some lyrics from any band of yesteryear (if that makes sense). It just doesn't at all carry the pace and weight of the first stanza. I do like the first line and an infatuated with the image in the second half of the second line, though.

We never close our windows, we keep our memories in cardboard
The snowfalls like angels as all our voicews lose their strength
I agree with TK on this couplet. The first line is good, the second line is iffy.

Cut me from the tar and leave me all over the streets
I will role out thin and feel tired feet walk all over me
No one tells the truth because we've all got bloody hands
The less you know, the more you may like what you see
So we'll write our history like novels that put our children to sleep
Chandelier romances, always hanging by the door ready to leave
Do you mean "roll" in the second line? That would make a lot more sense. TK again said what I would say about this, otherwise.

A ghost lives in the closet with our shoes and coats
And another in the drawer with photos and old hopes
I woke up with my head filled full of straw like a scarecrow
And asked the kites why they won't come down but they don't reply
Egh, I don't like the first half of this stanza much. Those two lines feel very well worn through, image wise. I think the second half is good, but could be stronger if you cut the last bits of each (like a scarecrow and but they don't reply); those bits feel superfluous and don't really do anything but make the poem lose some of its mystery.

I cut a bird out of white letter paper, pinned it above the bed to the ceiling
So you can dream of flying while I will always dream of falling
Wings spread open like a child's arms as it runs up and down the street
Where all the buildings sink into the ground and we pretend not to see
That who we were is ruining what we could be
This stanza is for the most part good, though the first two lines are overly wordy and could definitely be parsed down.

I liked this a good deal overall.

[a speedo model]

All our hands filled with dust and cold leaves
The sun in the sky sinks like something lonely
Tangled with the morning news that had you so depressed
We were so young so long, but don't fill these shoes yet
Built our dreams to rafts and headed for different views
They told me I was no one and I have made that my excuse
Two and a half things I have issue with: 1) "in the sky" sounds redundant and a tad childish. We all know the sun's in the sky, and other than to round out the line, it doesn't do anything in any way for this; it's use is so trivial that it's not worth having here. 2) "so young so long" is awkwardly phrased. I see what you're going for, but it's a struggle to say out loud, and I can't help but wonder if there's a way for you to change it to keep the same idea but make it less awkward. And a half) Such a deliberate disregard for punctuation must have a purpose, but I don't see it here.

I want to read the first line as "cold dust and leaves" for some reason. Personally, I find the rhythm better, but that's purely my own preference.

Hidden in my pocket, I carried the stars the whole afternoon
With secrets up both my sleeves and smiles that we soft and new
I like the way you look next to me
So stay if it suits you, but if you ask me
I think I like the way you look next to me
I don't hate this stanza, perhaps other than the first part of the second stanza (no secret as to why, I'm sure), though the last three lines feel like some lyrics from any band of yesteryear (if that makes sense). It just doesn't at all carry the pace and weight of the first stanza. I do like the first line and an infatuated with the image in the second half of the second line, though.

We never close our windows, we keep our memories in cardboard
The snowfalls like angels as all our voicews lose their strength
I agree with TK on this couplet. The first line is good, the second line is iffy.

Cut me from the tar and leave me all over the streets
I will role out thin and feel tired feet walk all over me
No one tells the truth because we've all got bloody hands
The less you know, the more you may like what you see
So we'll write our history like novels that put our children to sleep
Chandelier romances, always hanging by the door ready to leave
Do you mean "roll" in the second line? That would make a lot more sense. TK again said what I would say about this, otherwise.

A ghost lives in the closet with our shoes and coats
And another in the drawer with photos and old hopes
I woke up with my head filled full of straw like a scarecrow
And asked the kites why they won't come down but they don't reply
Egh, I don't like the first half of this stanza much. Those two lines feel very well worn through, image wise. I think the second half is good, but could be stronger if you cut the last bits of each (like a scarecrow and but they don't reply); those bits feel superfluous and don't really do anything but make the poem lose some of its mystery.

I cut a bird out of white letter paper, pinned it above the bed to the ceiling
So you can dream of flying while I will always dream of falling
Wings spread open like a child's arms as it runs up and down the street
Where all the buildings sink into the ground and we pretend not to see
That who we were is ruining what we could be
This stanza is for the most part good, though the first two lines are overly wordy and could definitely be parsed down.

I liked this a good deal overall.
Thank you for your thoughts. It is supposed to be "roll", I wrote this in rush, my bad. Thanks for your feedback, glad to have your thoughts.

[xidreamofyou32x]

I love this. it flows really well.

[a speedo model]

I love this. it flows really well.
Thank you very much, glad to hear!

[lew_1987]

Love that third line. Liked a few other lines as well, but I actually don't think this is as good as some of your other work.

[wyverna]

cut a bird out of white letter paper, pinned it above the bed to the ceiling
So you can dream of flying while I will always dream of falling

I like this bit. The whole thing doesn't read as very cohesive to me, though.

[a speedo model]

I like this bit. The whole thing doesn't read as very cohesive to me, though.
:-/ mhm, it's a bit...cluttered, but my writing has been that way lately. I enjoy it haha.

[a speedo model]

Love that third line. Liked a few other lines as well, but I actually don't think this is as good as some of your other work.
Thank you, yeah definitely not as consistent as my other work.

[wyverna]

:-/ mhm, it's a bit...cluttered, but my writing has been that way lately. I enjoy it haha.

:(

As long as you enjoy it, that's the main thing

[a speedo model]

:(

As long as you enjoy it, that's the main thing
None of those faces, I merely meant I enjoy the clutteredness of my writing lately. This piece does have its flaws, I agree with you.

How have you been, Gracie?

[wyverna]

None of those faces, I merely meant I enjoy the clutteredness of my writing lately. This piece does have its flaws, I agree with you.

How have you been, Gracie?

I felt like the annoyed face was annoyed at me! Maybe I need to reassess my thoughts re: emoticons on the internet. But I mean, seriously, if you enjoy your writing then that is the most important thing.

I... have not written any poetry/lyrics in what feels like forever, I've been focusing mainly on prose lately. I feel like I've lost my... mojo or groove or whatever, I don't know. I have a lot going on irl, though -- moving out of home to university in about four weeks and I'm camping at a music festival this weekend, so. I saw The Get Up Kids last week as well. What about youuuu?

[matt_rawlings]

I enjoyed this piece alot (it was bound to happen, you're my favourite writer here), although in some places I can't quite get the rhythm.

Oh, I'd also like to call attention to these two lines as they two of my favourite things you've ever written





We never close our windows, we keep our memories in cardboard

I cut a bird out of white letter paper, pinned it above the bed to the ceiling
So you can dream of flying while I will always dream of falling

[a speedo model]

I felt like the annoyed face was annoyed at me! Maybe I need to reassess my thoughts re: emoticons on the internet. But I mean, seriously, if you enjoy your writing then that is the most important thing.

I... have not written any poetry/lyrics in what feels like forever, I've been focusing mainly on prose lately. I feel like I've lost my... mojo or groove or whatever, I don't know. I have a lot going on irl, though -- moving out of home to university in about four weeks and I'm camping at a music festival this weekend, so. I saw The Get Up Kids last week as well. What about youuuu?
Not at all! I understand but still, I was not annoyed with you, more sad you didn't love it ;)

I understand that, I've been focussing more on my stories and novels to get those finished. Damn, lot's up with you. Niiiiice. I'm hoping to finish school before I die and get a job and get Cris up here, haha. So same old same old.
I enjoyed this piece alot (it was bound to happen, you're my favourite writer here), although in some places I can't quite get the rhythm.

Oh, I'd also like to call attention to these two lines as they two of my favourite things you've ever written
Thank you! It means a lot coming from you, probably the best songwriter on here. I know there are...line which may be forced. A bit awkward, I've found I tend to use lines that people may stumble over but for me they have....special meaning that I focus on.

My two favorites!

[cyncoolkid]

Diggin it.More complex than I expected :D

[i_versions]

i. love. this.

[GhostMachine]

I like this. I also like the translation for the latin part of the title - Anyone We Were Is Not Who We Are

[lfdfforever]

i thought this was new.