Untitled new song

[EndHasAStart]

I started, unintentionally, with the chorus, then added the two verses. I have since tried to add further verses but they just didn't sound right and it seemed as if they were there just for the sake of it, while what I originally had already encapsulated what I wanted to say.
Someone told me leaves don't fall forever
Ran outside to catch just one
You led me away into the burning gold
Falling from the sky like raindrops
But raindrops that melted away

I chased the rain like we chased forever
Swallowed your name as it flooded my mind
Your footsteps faded in the distant dark
Into the storm of words and feelings
Words we never meant to say

Chorus:
Because love isn't anger or desperation
Not the whisper in your ear
Not my pounding heart
Or trembling words
But the prayers you never hear
Any help would be much appreciated :-)

[Mrs.Sweeny Todd]

i like it ...but i wood cut the line "but raindrops that melted away" , and switch those couple of chorus lines too " not the whisper in my ear and not the pounding in my hear " ...."but the words i never hear" and than let it faid for a bit and than go after that last line " from you"

[EndHasAStart]

i like it ...but i wood cut the line "but raindrops that melted away" , and switch those couple of chorus lines too " not the whisper in my ear and not the pounding in my hear " ...."but the words i never hear" and than let it faid for a bit and than go after that last line " from you"

I'm sorry, that actually made no sense.
i wood cut the line
than let it faid for a bit

Would anyone who speaks English like to comment?

[MinionOfBoredom]

This isn't bad, but it's plagued with the bane of every songwriter -- cliches (these I have bolded). I'm going to base most of my critique on a purely lyrical standpoint, so a lot of this honestly need not apply to a good song. But hey, it's always nice to see good lyrics.


Someone told me leaves don't fall forever
Ran outside to catch just one

The transition from line to line is abrupt here. Musically, I have no idea how you'd connect them, and poetically, the second line is awkward.

You led me away into the burning gold
Falling from the sky like raindrops
But raindrops that melted away

"Falling from the sky like raindrops...that melted away" is a weak image; you can do better than this.

Also, the repetition of "away" detracts from these lines; you wouldn't lose anything if you cut it from the first line.

I chased the rain like we chased forever
Swallowed your name as it flooded my mind

I'm "meh" about these lines. The concepts are overdone (chasing the rain, chasing forever, swallowing [this]), but it's done here better than in most other lyrics.

Your footsteps faded in the distant dark
Into the storm of words and feelings
Words we never meant to say

I think that the "show, not tell" concept applies to songwriting, too. "Footsteps faded" and "distant dark" are two of the most overused alliterations in songwriting; don't fall prey to them. Even if you can put them in a better context than other lyricists, their presence detracts from the lyrical quality.

Yeah, it isn't fair. I know.

Chorus:
Because love isn't anger or desperation
Not the whisper in your ear
Not my pounding heart
Or trembling words
But the prayers you never hear

Call it a bias, but I have read so many lyrics and poems about what "love is" or what "love isn't," and all tell rather than show what love is. It's simple to say that "love is the flower that blossoms in your heart" or some contrived line as such, but it's a lot harder to show that flower's beauty.

In terms of "whisper in your ear" and "pounding heart" -- these are, again, pretty used. "The prayers you never hear" is a line that I want to like, but it strikes me as a weak way to go out (if you decide to end with the chorus.)

Anyway, a lot of the things that I've mentioned can be circumvented by great music. I admit that a lot of the music that I like has lyrics that make me want to stab myself in the eyes: musically, the songs are great, catchy, all of the above -- but lyrically, they're terrible. In that regard, the lyrical quality is up to the songwriter, and in many cases refining the lyrics wouldn't change the listener's take on the song unless he or she decides to actually look them up.

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Would anyone who speaks English like to comment?

You should feel honored if she woodcut (http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Woodcut) your lyrics. It looks like a ton of work.

[EndHasAStart]

Hey, thanks for commenting, should be a great help. Although I do hope that my lyrics didn't quite make you want to stab yourself in the eyes. I guess one thing that would help, especially to enable you to see the 'flow' of the song, would be to post a link to a recording, but my ability to strum and sing simultaneously leaves a lot to be desired (bass player, got my acoustic this last Christmas). Although I'm sure you have a million times more experience than me lyrically, and this is the first song I've ever really written, the rhythm I have does seem to work; I'll see what I can do :-).

"Falling from the sky like raindrops...that melted away" is a weak image; you can do better than this. Agreed. I thought that might be the case. I guess the thought that I'm trying to portray is that although there were so many opportunities for good things to happen (hence, leaves falling from the sky like raindrops), they never amounted to anything (melted away). I'll try to find another similie.

The concepts are overdone I may keep these lines for the moment, I just liked continuing the idea of the rain from the first verse.

don't fall prey to them. Good point, it does look very cliché now you mention it. I guess when the idea for the song came to me I just put down what sounded good at the time that conveyed the ideas that I wanted it to. I'm sure I can find something better, I particularly don't like the line referring to the 'storm.' The hard thing is going to be finding a replacement that fits the rhythm I have in my head; almost immediately after finishing the first draft of this song I came up with the vocal melody and chord sequence, and now it's stuck!

Call it a bias, but I have read so many lyrics and poems about what "love is" or what "love isn't," and all tell rather than show what love is. It's simple to say that "love is the flower that blossoms in your heart" or some contrived line as such, but it's a lot harder to show that flower's beauty.

In terms of "whisper in your ear" and "pounding heart" -- these are, again, pretty used. I know you're right. I really do. But this is just such a hard set of lyrics to change/get rid of because they were the first that I wrote, written in the heat of a moment, and were since changed very carefully to maintain the original meaning as best as possible. I completely agree about the show, not tell idea, but in a way I want this to be a direct description; I want a "love is, love isn't" line. It was what I was telling myself at a moment when I could have lost control and reacted badly, but realised that the best thing I could do was pray that things would get better and change my own attitude.

"The prayers you never hear" is a line that I want to like, but it strikes me as a weak way to go out (if you decide to end with the chorus.) Sure, I'm now thinking of this as more of a prechorus, with that line leading into a chorus. I'll try to work on a chorus, but will take my time in order to do justice to the passion (believe it or not!) that originally inspired the song.

Anyway, thanks so much for your help, I'll spend the next couple of days working on what you've suggested.