Mountains

[livingalive626]

haven't posted in a while....thoughts?

are these mountains reaching for the heavens
or falling slowly back to earth?
all i've ever known is imploding and im
screaming to be heard.
for what its worth, i never thought much of it all anyways.
white crowns these peaks
leaving me with memories and
regretting that i dreamed too late
that ill never reach what this could be.
so throw me from this ledge
ill enjoy the splendor as i fall
maybe you'll be watching then.
and ill shatter in the foothills
quietly evaporate into the sunset,
leaving you with a pure horizon
and a sweet taste on my lips.

[Kirsty.com]

i like it. i like how it really puts a picture in your mind. well done :) x

[livingalive626]

i like it. i like how it really puts a picture in your mind. well done :) x

thanks much:) if you like screaming, theres a demo of it here www.purevolume.com/killthevoices

[MinionOfBoredom]

Not bad as a poem, better as lyrics.

Demo is pretty good, too. I'll do a more detailed critique of this a little later.

[livingalive626]

Not bad as a poem, better as lyrics.

Demo is pretty good, too. I'll do a more detailed critique of this a little later.

all constructive input is def appriciated

[a speedo model]

are these mountains reaching for the heavens
or falling slowly back to earth?
all i've ever known is imploding and im
screaming to be heard.
for what its worth, i never thought much of it all anyways.

I didn't like this, imagery is uninteresting and just too familiar. Nothing stood out to me or drew me in about it.

white crowns these peaks
leaving me with memories and
regretting that i dreamed too late

This part was good, the imagery is curious and very subtle, especially in the first line. Quite good.
that ill never reach what this could be.

Very good line, at first I read it I thought it very....blah, but I reread it and just thought it fit perfectly. It gives a great sense of the piece, the imagery here is right on.
so throw me from this ledge
ill enjoy the splendor as i fall
maybe you'll be watching then.
and ill shatter in the foothills
quietly evaporate into the sunset,
leaving you with a pure horizon
and a sweet taste on my lips.
This is all "eh", none of it is terrible, although some is not very good especially the last line. It leans on cliches and is far too bland for the finale. The imagery should build off the line before, but it seems to burn out and turn to cliches and lines that are we've all read before. It was a disappointing finish to be honest.

Overall, this is a good piece. Work on the ending, it feels rushed perhaps? Like you had the beginning and wanted to sum it up quickly, I dunno. It just doesn't seem to have the thought or care the rest has, at least to me. Some great lines and some nice ideas, just give it a bit more work.

[livingalive626]

I didn't like this, imagery is uninteresting and just too familiar. Nothing stood out to me or drew me in about it.

This part was good, the imagery is curious and very subtle, especially in the first line. Quite good.

Very good line, at first I read it I thought it very....blah, but I reread it and just thought it fit perfectly. It gives a great sense of the piece, the imagery here is right on.

This is all "eh", none of it is terrible, although some is not very good especially the last line. It leans on cliches and is far too bland for the finale. The imagery should build off the line before, but it seems to burn out and turn to cliches and lines that are we've all read before. It was a disappointing finish to be honest.

Overall, this is a good piece. Work on the ending, it feels rushed perhaps? Like you had the beginning and wanted to sum it up quickly, I dunno. It just doesn't seem to have the thought or care the rest has, at least to me. Some great lines and some nice ideas, just give it a bit more work.

thanks for taking the time to write a detailed critique... goes a long ways.
i think thats my main problem...rushing... i'm working on trying to slow down my writing.