The Sun

[marbury1414]

This was a poem I wrote for class that I kind of like. Poetry is meant to be read aloud so if you can, do so.

The Sun

She walks along the open road.
The sun shades itself from her brilliant rays.
Red, orange, and yellow is the color
That seems to shine with every smile.

The sun shades itself from her brilliant rays.
There is beauty that is lost on others and the color
That seems to shine with every smile
And every step she takes.

There is beauty that is lost on others and the color
That seems to fade with time
And every step she takes,
Is moving closer back to a sun,

That seems to fade with time.
She walks along the open road that
Is heading back to a sun
That seems to shine with every smile,
And every step she takes.

[parallelism]

The _____ is beauty that is lost on others and the color

What word(s) is/are meant to be there?

For the most part I liked this; it was pretty descriptive and the imagery was solid. It wasn't anything completely new, but it was written well, so that's a good thing.

I still can't decide whether or not I like the line:


The sun shades itself from her brilliant rays.

The actual line isn't bad at all, it's a really good image. But, I can't decide whether or not I really like the repetition of the line.

This is because you only repeated it once; it sounds a little out of place the second time around since it is the first line of the stanza. In the first stanza, it's the second line, so it's just kind of an awkward repetition.

I also like that you didn't overly announce the closure at the end.

[marbury1414]

What word(s) is/are meant to be there?

For the most part I liked this; it was pretty descriptive and the imagery was solid. It wasn't anything completely new, but it was written well, so that's a good thing.

I still can't decide whether or not I like the line:



The actual line isn't bad at all, it's a really good image. But, I can't decide whether or not I really like the repetition of the line.

This is because you only repeated it once; it sounds a little out of place the second time around since it is the first line of the stanza. In the first stanza, it's the second line, so it's just kind of an awkward repetition.

I also like that you didn't overly announce the closure at the end.

Whoops, that was supposed to be "there is."

But thanks for the comments, they're appreciated.

[aCe_]

There is beauty that is lost on others and the color

I like this.

[marbury1414]

P.S. This wasn't supposed to be focused on the words. I put the "read it out loud" thing because I tried to pay attention with how everything sounded and how it rolled off the tongue, hence the repetition and whatnot. Read it out loud and hopefully you'll find it as "catchy" as I do.

[a speedo model]

i like it alot.

[marbury1414]

i like it alot.

Thanks.