If You Like Being Alone, You Should Be Me

[InDireNeedSF]

Before you read this, just to let you know, I really don't like many things I write but I try, constructive critism would be nice, cause no one is ever honest, except for people I don't know

"If You Like Being Alone, You Should Be Me"

Take this knife
Put it to my flesh
Hold me tightly down
Don't ever LET ME GO!

CAUSE THAT'S WHAT IT FEELS LIKE
To live my life
IS THAT ALL YOU WANTED TO.. do
Make me suffer so you
Can see what you do to me
Kill me in ways you can only dream

(RUN!!!)
Cause that's what it feels like to
(KILL!!!)
Live my life
(SUFFER!!)
Every Day

(Chorus)
So run right down
To the point of self destruct
You can watch me fall
You can watch me fall apart
And when I wither down to nothing
I'll tell you that I'm fine

I'll tell you that I'm fine
(CAUSE THAT'S ALL YOU WANT TO HEAR!!!)

So here I stand
Pondering thoughts that have been hindering inside of me for so long
To keep them bottled up
Until they finally burst in an uncontrolable fashion
And the abuse I take will not make me stronger
But infact chip away at the self-esteem I have left
And you can ignore this song
And forget all about me
Just forget me...

TAKE THIS KNIFE
PUT IT TO MY FLESH
CARVE ME HOWEVER YOU WANT
MOLD ME HOWEVER YOU WANT ME TO BE!

(Chorus)

IS THAT WHAT YOU WANT(6x)
Cause that's all you want to hear

(RUN!!!)
Cause that's what it feels like to
(KILL!!!)
Live My life
(SUFFER!!!)
Live my life...

(Chorus)
{And I'm thankful...
For every friend that I have
Cause without you
I'd breakdown} -background chorus

Tell you that I'm fine
I'll tell you I'm alright

That's what it feels like to live me life

TO LIVE...... MY.... LIFE....
YEA....

[parallelism]

Personally, I wasn't feeling this at all. Honestly all of these lines just seem overused to the point that they are just run through the ground. The piece seems all over the place and it just kind of jumps from one cliche to the next.

But I'm not going to be a huge asshole, and that isn't to say that you don't have potential; everybody does.

Some things I would do, personally, are try and make your pieces a little less obvious; try to get some deeper meaning and add some figurative language. If you find a way to disguise what your piece is about:

a) more people will be willing to relate themselves to it
b) it will be a lot more fun to read and to interpret

I would also extend your use of vocabulary and things like that; maybe try writing with a thesaurus and a dictionary, they're both really good tools to start out with. Also, experiment with some metaphors, similies, maybe even some things like rhyme, just to get your mind thinking of words you don't normally use.

However, be careful with that because: if you start notice your piece sounding too wordy, or like a really angsty pre-teen wrote it, it will probably sound like that to everybody else too.


That's all I've really got to say, but try some new things and post something else and I can give you my honest opinions.

[a speedo model]

Personally, I wasn't feeling this at all. Honestly all of these lines just seem overused to the point that they are just run through the ground. The piece seems all over the place and it just kind of jumps from one cliche to the next.

But I'm not going to be a huge asshole, and that isn't to say that you don't have potential; everybody does.

Some things I would do, personally, are try and make your pieces a little less obvious; try to get some deeper meaning and add some figurative language. If you find a way to disguise what your piece is about:

a) more people will be willing to relate themselves to it
b) it will be a lot more fun to read and to interpret

I would also extend your use of vocabulary and things like that; maybe try writing with a thesaurus and a dictionary, they're both really good tools to start out with. Also, experiment with some metaphors, similies, maybe even some things like rhyme, just to get your mind thinking of words you don't normally use.

However, be careful with that because: if you start notice your piece sounding too wordy, or like a really angsty pre-teen wrote it, it will probably sound like that to everybody else too.


That's all I've really got to say, but try some new things and post something else and I can give you my honest opinions.

agreed.