cheezwhiz
08/18/09, 03:36 PM
note: I know this is pretty cliched/dramatic, I was just hoping for some ideas on how to make it less so. Normally I'd abandon the story all-together, but I really like some of the lines/images.
"Charlie, you need to get out of the house."
Charlie was lying on the couch pretending to watch TV. It was his senior year and he hadn't left his house in a week. School didn't count. His mom was getting worried.
"Mary, leave the kid alone. He'll get up when he wants to," Jack said from the Lazyboy. He was sipping his coffee and pretending to read the paper. His broken foot rested on the coffee table.
"But Jack, look at him! He looks pathetic just lying there, and he hasn't showered in 3 days," she protested.
"That's just how boys are, Mary. There's nothing wrong with some manly stench."
"But he's going to leave grease stains on the couch!"
"You guys know I can hear you, right?" It was the first thing Charlie had said all week. It caught both of them by surprise.
"Of course we do, we're just worried about you. You haven't gotten up from that couch in days, haven't said anything. For all I know you haven't eaten, either. What's going on?"
"Can't I just be here without some inquisition being formed?" he protested.
"Don't be dramatic Charles, you know your mother is just looking out for you," Jack interjected. "Watch your tone."
"If it's so important I'll get up then, God." Charlie slowly stood up, wrapped his Batman blanket around himself, and walked over to the window.
"That's all I wanted to see, you taking some initiative in your life." Mary seemed pleased with herself.
Charlie was silent as he gazed out. His body suddenly stiffened, and if his mom hadn't been busy straightening up the couch, she would've seen him clench his fists.
"Mom, do you really care about the couch more than me?"
"Be reasonable, Charlie. It's a $4000 couch. I just don't want it to get ruined." She never looked up.
"Right. I'm going to take a shower then." He paused. "I love you, Mom."
"Wash your hair twice!" she shouted after him.
"Is that Charlie's girlfriend?" Jack abruptly asked as he looked out the window.
"Where?"
"In that apartment across the street, the room on the left."
"That must be why he's been acting like this. Who's that boy?."
"I don't know, but I'll have a talk with him when he gets out of the shower. He's acting like his life is over."
Mary suddenly stopped. "Jack, where's your bottle of Vicodin?"
"What?"
"Didn't I bring it out for you?"
"Did you? I don't remember. I don't even need it anymore, though. I'm feeling much better. Don't worry about it."
Mary shrugged. She went back to the couch as the shower continued on in the background.
Sorry for the shit formatting, I can't tab and I'm not patient enough to space it out.
"Charlie, you need to get out of the house."
Charlie was lying on the couch pretending to watch TV. It was his senior year and he hadn't left his house in a week. School didn't count. His mom was getting worried.
"Mary, leave the kid alone. He'll get up when he wants to," Jack said from the Lazyboy. He was sipping his coffee and pretending to read the paper. His broken foot rested on the coffee table.
"But Jack, look at him! He looks pathetic just lying there, and he hasn't showered in 3 days," she protested.
"That's just how boys are, Mary. There's nothing wrong with some manly stench."
"But he's going to leave grease stains on the couch!"
"You guys know I can hear you, right?" It was the first thing Charlie had said all week. It caught both of them by surprise.
"Of course we do, we're just worried about you. You haven't gotten up from that couch in days, haven't said anything. For all I know you haven't eaten, either. What's going on?"
"Can't I just be here without some inquisition being formed?" he protested.
"Don't be dramatic Charles, you know your mother is just looking out for you," Jack interjected. "Watch your tone."
"If it's so important I'll get up then, God." Charlie slowly stood up, wrapped his Batman blanket around himself, and walked over to the window.
"That's all I wanted to see, you taking some initiative in your life." Mary seemed pleased with herself.
Charlie was silent as he gazed out. His body suddenly stiffened, and if his mom hadn't been busy straightening up the couch, she would've seen him clench his fists.
"Mom, do you really care about the couch more than me?"
"Be reasonable, Charlie. It's a $4000 couch. I just don't want it to get ruined." She never looked up.
"Right. I'm going to take a shower then." He paused. "I love you, Mom."
"Wash your hair twice!" she shouted after him.
"Is that Charlie's girlfriend?" Jack abruptly asked as he looked out the window.
"Where?"
"In that apartment across the street, the room on the left."
"That must be why he's been acting like this. Who's that boy?."
"I don't know, but I'll have a talk with him when he gets out of the shower. He's acting like his life is over."
Mary suddenly stopped. "Jack, where's your bottle of Vicodin?"
"What?"
"Didn't I bring it out for you?"
"Did you? I don't remember. I don't even need it anymore, though. I'm feeling much better. Don't worry about it."
Mary shrugged. She went back to the couch as the shower continued on in the background.
Sorry for the shit formatting, I can't tab and I'm not patient enough to space it out.