Starry Eyes

[tommy's ghost]

I am dissolving in the starry night
I am a million pearls escaping
From the fabric of time
Gazing down upon two fists
Clenching my shirt and wringing my emotions
As I am asked for a Glasgow Smile
And hope to not cut myself
When I wipe my brow
As the cold sweat ices over
And I die inside for 20 minutes.

I am killed in the eyes of Lars’s real girl
I am the plastic visage that transcends
The television screen
And observes our every movement
As I sculpt pleasure out of your beauty
And turn redder than my insides
I listen to the crinkle of the melting perspiration
As it makes love to the wrinkling hands of time
As they run ‘round in circles
And I live for an eternity.

[MinionOfBoredom]

I am dissolving in the starry night
I'm liking your poems more and more as time progresses.

I'll do a full(er) critique if/when I'm not dead tired, but a few things:

Line 3: "the fabric of time" is a big cliche.

Lines 6 onward: beginning the lines with "and" or "as" so many times is awkward when read aloud. Maybe punctuate somewhere, like after "emotions" and change the line 7 "and" to I, whatever works for you. Same in the next stanza.

Line 10: Minor nitpick; go for "twenty" instead of 20. Yeah, bite me. :P

Line 17: "perspiration" is on the wordy side.

Line 18: I think that the repetition of the (specific) word "time" weakens the whole concept of escaping its boundaries/stepping outside of it, which is what I get from the poem. I like the closer a lot, though, which ties up the concept well.

Good poem overall, though; I liked it quite a bit.

[tommy's ghost]

I'm liking your poems more and more as time progresses.

I'll do a full(er) critique if/when I'm not dead tired, but a few things:

Line 3: "the fabric of time" is a big cliche.

Lines 6 onward: beginning the lines with "and" or "as" so many times is awkward when read aloud. Maybe punctuate somewhere, like after "emotions" and change the line 7 "and" to I, whatever works for you. Same in the next stanza.

Line 10: Minor nitpick; go for "twenty" instead of 20. Yeah, bite me. :P

Line 17: "perspiration" is on the wordy side.

Line 18: I think that the repetition of the (specific) word "time" weakens the whole concept of escaping its boundaries/stepping outside of it, which is what I get from the poem. I like the closer a lot, though, which ties up the concept well.

Good poem overall, though; I liked it quite a bit.

Thank you. Lack of punctuation and all the repetition is purposely implemented. Was going for a stream of consciousness approach. I'll consider all other suggestions...tomorrow. I'm dead tired as well. Surprised I managed to write this on a whim.

Thanks again.

[MinionOfBoredom]

Thank you. Lack of punctuation and all the repetition is purposely implemented. Was going for a stream of consciousness approach.

Yeah, I figured that. :P

Ugh, marching band camp starts tomorrow, so I probably won't get back to you until next weekend, when it ends.

Twelve hours of music, marching, pompous idiots and talentless musicians. wooooo.

[tommy's ghost]

Yeah, I figured that. :P

Ugh, marching band camp starts tomorrow, so I probably won't get back to you until next weekend, when it ends.

Twelve hours of music, marching, pompous idiots and talentless musicians. wooooo.

Haha. Band camp? What do you play?

[The Personist]

"A Season In Hell" is stream of consciousness and features punctuation.

[tommy's ghost]

"A Season In Hell" is stream of consciousness and features punctuation.

Wasn't implying it was required. It just aids a novice such as myself.

[The Personist]

Wasn't implying it was required. It just aids a novice such as myself.

Meh. As long as you realize it's not the only way to go. I didn't get a very stream-of-consciousness vibe from this, which might not be your fault, necessarily. I just think you're moving from idea to idea too smoothly and with too much of a connection to make this actually stream-of-consciousness. If you want to try it like this without punctuation, ditch the line breaks and truly just freewrite for awhile.

[tommy's ghost]

Meh. As long as you realize it's not the only way to go. I didn't get a very stream-of-consciousness vibe from this, which might not be your fault, necessarily. I just think you're moving from idea to idea too smoothly and with too much of a connection to make this actually stream-of-consciousness. If you want to try it like this without punctuation, ditch the line breaks and truly just freewrite for awhile.

Well, you're much more qualified to tell whether or not this is SoC than I am, so I'll take your word for it.

I think for my next piece I'll go all out.

[MinionOfBoredom]

Haha. Band camp? What do you play?

Tenor sax for marching, bassoon for wind ensemble, clarinet in my free time.

[The Personist]

Well, you're much more qualified to tell whether or not this is SoC than I am, so I'll take your word for it.

I think for my next piece I'll go all out.

BEFORE YOU DO

Read "A Season In Hell" by Rimbaud. Also read some Joyce. SoC is VERY HARD to do well.

[tommy's ghost]

BEFORE YOU DO

Read "A Season In Hell" by Rimbaud. Also read some Joyce. SoC is VERY HARD to do well.

Will do. Feel free to mock me in my attempts.

[tommy's ghost]

Tenor sax for marching, bassoon for wind ensemble, clarinet in my free time.

My, my. Quite the impressive musical repertoire you've got there.

[The Personist]

Will do. Feel free to mock me in my attempts.

I will...you fucking whore.

Actually, I think it's admirable to want to do something like that, but I feel like reading the Rimbaud I told you to is going to fuck with the way you write and think anyways. I feel Rimbaud is in part responsible for my writer's block being somewhat broken, because he uses his stream of consciousness to search for a purpose, a meaning, salvation...it's beautifully tragic and incredibly written.

[MinionOfBoredom]

My, my. Quite the impressive musical repertoire you've got there.

Yeah, but the problem is focusing on something that will actually put money on the table. I love music, poetry, calculus, and physics, but I can't see myself focusing on a career in any of them.

Actually, I think it's admirable to want to do something like that, but I feel like reading the Rimbaud I told you to is going to fuck with the way you write and think anyways. I feel Rimbaud is in part responsible for my writer's block being somewhat broken, because he uses his stream of consciousness to search for a purpose, a meaning, salvation...it's beautifully tragic and incredibly written.

God, I wish I understood French.

[tommy's ghost]

I will...you fucking whore.

Actually, I think it's admirable to want to do something like that, but I feel like reading the Rimbaud I told you to is going to fuck with the way you write and think anyways. I feel Rimbaud is in part responsible for my writer's block being somewhat broken, because he uses his stream of consciousness to search for a purpose, a meaning, salvation...it's beautifully tragic and incredibly written.

Hahaha.

Wow. I just read it. It's shit like this that they should be giving me in my senior year. It's like a disemboweled rose.

[The Personist]

Yeah, but the problem is focusing on something that will actually put money on the table. I love music, poetry, calculus, and physics, but I can't see myself focusing on a career in any of them.



God, I wish I understood French.

I, uh, read a translation...but seriously, I wish i still had enough French in me to read the original text.

[The Personist]

Hahaha.

Wow. I just read it. It's shit like this that they should be giving me in my senior year. It's like a disemboweled rose.

Rimbaud is truly a genius. I'm assuming you read the Schmidt translation?

[tommy's ghost]

Yeah, but the problem is focusing on something that will actually put money on the table. I love music, poetry, calculus, and physics, but I can't see myself focusing on a career in any of them.



God, I wish I understood French.

Be a bohemian.

[tommy's ghost]

Rimbaud is truly a genius. I'm assuming you read the Schmidt translation?

Um, I read the first one that came up. Haha. Bertrand Mathieu, apparently.

[The Personist]

Um, I read the first one that came up. Haha. Bertrand Mathieu, apparently.

Haha, Schmidt is supposed to be the best English translation...but i've never seen a translation of Rimbaud that wasn't in some way beautiful.

[tommy's ghost]

Haha, Schmidt is supposed to be the best English translation...but i've never seen a translation of Rimbaud that wasn't in some way beautiful.

I'll definitely be delving further into his body of work, as well as Joyce's. Tomorrow. Now, I'm hitting the sack. G'night.