The Murder of Consciousness

[tommy's ghost]

I am too killed for wit.
Tripping on the edges of the coins in my pocket
As they interrupt my speech.
Chanting their change ad nauseam:
A socially lubricated sailor’s throat-manifestations
Wafting out of the captain’s quarters and out
Through the windows, over Earth’s over-active tear ducts.
The captain, tossing his feathered, red beret aside,
Tries to plunger his ears with his sweaty palms,
But the septic tank has ruptured over the septic sea.

This is the caught zipper of circumstance.

I am too killed for wit;
Move for me my mouth.
Move for me my mouth,
Matryoshka.

[tommy's ghost]

Mein Bampf.

[The Personist]

Better than the last stream-of-consciousness one, mostly because it actually feels a little more extemporaneous and like a litany of ideas; however, its wording is such that it almost undermines the stream-of-consciousness effect for which you were striving. I know that sounds weird, but some of the stuff (the socially-lubricated sailor, caught zipper of circumstance) just doesn't flow like thoughts do. The sailor bit is a poetically awkward section anyways, but the zipper seems like an intentional abrupt jolt.

I know this isn't very helpful, and I wish I could be of more assistance, but I guess you're still in so much control over it that it doesn't strike me as a stream of consciousness. However, I do think you should turn "move for me my mouth" into some sort of refrain and perhaps expand this.

[tommy's ghost]

Better than the last stream-of-consciousness one, mostly because it actually feels a little more extemporaneous and like a litany of ideas; however, its wording is such that it almost undermines the stream-of-consciousness effect for which you were striving. I know that sounds weird, but some of the stuff (the socially-lubricated sailor, caught zipper of circumstance) just doesn't flow like thoughts do. The sailor bit is a poetically awkward section anyways, but the zipper seems like an intentional abrupt jolt.

I know this isn't very helpful, and I wish I could be of more assistance, but I guess you're still in so much control over it that it doesn't strike me as a stream of consciousness. However, I do think you should turn "move for me my mouth" into some sort of refrain and perhaps expand this.

Thanks, David! Of course it was helpful.

I agree that it still feels too cohesive. By the way, I found out I'm going to be reading Ulysses this semester. What are the odds? Haha.

[The Personist]

Thanks, David! Of course it was helpful.

I agree that it still feels too cohesive. By the way, I found out I'm going to be reading Ulysses this semester. What are the odds? Haha.

THAT will be a huge help! I can't say I've read it, unfortunately, but I have Portrait of the Artist as a Young Man and Dubliners sitting on my bookshelf, and intend to read Ulysses at some point or another.

[tommy's ghost]

THAT will be a huge help! I can't say I've read it, unfortunately, but I have Portrait of the Artist as a Young Man and Dubliners sitting on my bookshelf, and intend to read Ulysses at some point or another.

I read some of his poems from Pomes Penyeach, and they were excellent. I'm so excited. This year's English course is going to be so great. The only thing that bums me about it is having to read The Old Man and the Sea yet again. God damn, that book's tedium incarnate.

[The Personist]

I read some of his poems from Pomes Penyeach, and they were excellent. I'm so excited. This year's English course is going to be so great. The only thing that bums me about it is having to read The Old Man and the Sea yet again. God damn, that book's tedium incarnate.

...Hemingway is tops. You take that back.

[tommy's ghost]

...Hemingway is tops. You take that back.

I just might. I read it way back in the 8th grade, so I was probably too young and ADDled to truly understand it. I'm hoping I'll enjoy it this time around, but I just remember despising it so much.

[The Personist]

I just might. I read it way back in the 8th grade, so I was probably too young and ADDled to truly understand it. I'm hoping I'll enjoy it this time around, but I just remember despising it so much.

I actually legitimately have ADHD, so take that back, too :-p

[tommy's ghost]

I actually legitimately have ADHD, so take that back, too :-p

As do I. I can say anything I want about it!

[The Personist]

As do I. I can say anything I want about it!

Fair enough. Fuck ekphrasis. I need to finish this poem by Sunday.

[tommy's ghost]

Fair enough. Fuck ekphrasis. I need to finish this poem by Sunday.

Ekphrasis... It intrigues me. Elaborate.

[The Personist]

Ekphrasis... It intrigues me. Elaborate.

It's art about another work of art, ie a poem about a painting, a novel about a poem, etc.

I have to write a poem about a painting from the Paint Made Flesh exhibit at the Phillips Collection in DC. I picked a badass painting but have no idea how to go about writing what I want to write about it.

[tommy's ghost]

It's art about another work of art, ie a poem about a painting, a novel about a poem, etc.

I have to write a poem about a painting from the Paint Made Flesh exhibit at the Phillips Collection in DC. I picked a badass painting but have no idea how to go about writing what I want to write about it.

I wish I had those kind of assignments. :-(

[The Personist]

I wish I had those kind of assignments. :-(

Take a 400-level poetry class in college!

[tommy's ghost]

Take a 400-level poetry class in college!

I will!