Another Idle Theory

[TK]

Caught in an floundering experiment,
Lacking latex gloves, goggles, and coats.
Does it matter? Does it matter?
Who cares, if we're careful, it won't.

Mixed reactions and beliefs spawned
From handfuls of anions and cations,
But which one burns the brightest?
Which one burns out the quickest?

Looking back at this bleak beaker,
Were all of our attempts this meager?
Counting up while subtracting down
We gained mass but still loss ground.

If there's a solution to this it's with
The both of us, but who's the solute and solvent?
Who is the one that breaks down in the end?
Who's pushing out and who's pushing in?
Because we need more than just a solution,
We need a resolution.

So if these are the roles
That our cells must play
Then let us accept the fact
That nothing can change
Through physical interactions,
But only through chemical variance
Of our different numbers.
Let one flourish and the other plummet.

I've been caught in this failing experiment
But still can't bring myself to put an end to it.
So telephone another scientist
One who's morals are better than this.
Keep his hands steady, keep his hands steady.

I realize this is very rough and over the place and punctuation is probably missing and/or not correct, but I appreciate it if I could get feedback around what parts you guys think were the weakest and need to be cut/severly edited, what parts need rewording to present the idea clearer, and what parts I should change the least if at all.

[The Personist]

I promise I will do my best to get around to this and every other piece I've yet to comment on once I have internet in my apartment. However, I do think you should try to rewrite this without regard for rhyme, or at least without regard for end rhyme.

[Timma]

i liked it. one question though. did you write this during chemistry class? just one statement for you to ponder.

"From handfuls of anions and cations,"

it maybe metaphorical but i also like of the sound of

"like matter of anions and cations"

but i think it's solid either way. good job

[The Personist]

I wrote a huge critique and it got deleted by the merciless internet. Anyways, a brief gist:

The chemistry/scientific themes are cool, and it's nice to see you extend it throughout; however, I think your treatment of it is rather superficial. I think you should try to find ways to really capture and exploit the interactions between particles and the different stuff you're talking about so as to get a sense of the intensity of these bonds/reactions. Like, I know they're there, but make me feel the sparks, energy, fission, fusion, wahtever, etc. Does that make sense? There's so much you could do with this (and I fear it's all been done before) but you should dig deeper.