I know it has some cliche parts, but I'd appreciate some help/opinions

[iHATEapril]

You shouldn't ever have to deal with anything
Besides your own lies
And you should thank your God
that I was asleep that night
when you said the words to try and make yourself all right

But I'm here this morning
and what you said last night is still relevant
I'm a cheater and a liar in your eyes
I've made every effort to see that this would end

And now, I promise you two weeks in my heart then you're done
And I'll send you off to your new special someone
Someone who can try to handle you

Teary eyed, I'm sick of seeing your vulnerable side
You're the only one who hurts, you're the only one who cries
We're the most disgusting, selfish people
Saying things to see how the other would feel
But I mean every stinging word I say
I'm giving up on this today

Now I count time times, your voice rang eerily in my ears
everything reverberates, but you're the only one I hear
sometimes, I wonder how you can get your voice so piercing
sometimes, I wonder how your voice can be this healing

I've been accused so many times
Hear the same things every single night
"Do you even want to be with me at all?"
"Should I really have to deal with this?"
From where I'm standing
I'm dealing with much worse
But if you can find it in yourself to end this
Then my plans have finally worked

Teary eyed, I'm sick of seeing your vulnerable side
You're the only one who hurts, you're the only one who cries
We're the most disgusting, selfish people
Saying things to see how the other would feel
But I mean, every stinging word I say
I'm giving up on this today

[xglassjawx]

Yes it does have some cliche parts. It's OK, some of the lyrics are quite catchy, I could see the "Teary Eyed" part working well in a big chorus. Is it from a song you wrote or just a free writing session?

[iHATEapril]

Yes it does have some cliche parts. It's OK, some of the lyrics are quite catchy, I could see the "Teary Eyed" part working well in a big chorus. Is it from a song you wrote or just a free writing session?

I just wrote it like in the last 15 minutes or so, its a really dumb rhyme scheme. I may have tried to incorporate too much of an actualy situation. I think I'm probably trying to make something out ot a dud here. It really seems to just like fall dead too many times in thes song.

[xglassjawx]

I just wrote it like in the last 15 minutes or so, its a really dumb rhyme scheme. I may have tried to incorporate too much of an actualy situation. I think I'm probably trying to make something out ot a dud here. It really seems to just like fall dead too many times in thes song.

Yeah, it'd be cool if you revised over it and changed bits of it.

[OveriseFan]

You shouldn't never have to deal with anything

Grammar much?

When two negatives are together like that, it makes it a positive, so you're really saying "You should have to deal with anything except your own mistakes, blah blah blah". It makes no sense.

Fix that.

Since it was the first line, I didn't look at the rest yet, but we'll see.

[iHATEapril]

You shouldn't never have to deal with anything

Grammar much?

When two negatives are together like that, it makes it a positive, so you're really saying "You should have to deal with anything except your own mistakes, blah blah blah". It makes no sense.

Fix that.

Since it was the first line, I didn't look at the rest yet, but we'll see.

Sorry, it was supposed to be ever.

[OveriseFan]

Now I count time times, your voice rung funny in my ears

"rang"

"rung" is the past participle, so if you want 'rung' you have to have a "helper verb"(for the love of me I can't think of the actual term, not that I care really.) such as "has"(that works best here)

So all in all, your grammar brought this piece down too much for me, and I spotted both of those in 10 seconds of looking at your piece.

Fix all those errors, fix any cliches, then repost, then I'll look at it again.

Sorry for being such a grammar nerd but it really bothers me.

[OveriseFan]

Sorry, it was supposed to be ever.

oh ok.

Well I'll try and give this a full look soon, but in the mean-time look it over, you know what's weak, so fix it.

[iHATEapril]

Now I count time times, your voice rung funny in my ears

"rang"

"rung" is the past participle, so if you want 'rung' you have to have a "helper verb"(for the love of me I can't think of the actual term, not that I care really.) such as "has"(that works best here)

So all in all, your grammar brought this piece down too much for me, and I spotted both of those in 10 seconds of looking at your piece.

Fix all those errors, fix any cliches, then repost, then I'll look at it again.

Sorry for being such a grammar nerd but it really bothers me.

Sorry, thought it was rung. I'd appreciate if you could tell me what you think needs to be fixed, that's the point.

[iHATEapril]

oh ok.

Well I'll try and give this a full look soon, but in the mean-time look it over, you know what's weak, so fix it.

I like it a little better now.

[OveriseFan]

"when you said the words to try and make yourself right"

Make that line "All right" or something for better flow.

"And now, I promise you two weeks in my heart then you're done"

Up to you, but I would put I would make it something like "and then you're done" for better flow.

"And I'll send you off to your a new special someone"

Remove the "a", it's confusing.

"But I mean, every stinging word I say"

Remove the comma, it confuses the reader otherwise. Because you mean that you MEAN those words, the comma ruins that effect.

"Now I count time times, your voice rang funny in my ears"

Time times? Change funny too, make it strangely or something, funny sounds asinine.

"everything reverberates, you're the only one I hear"

Add a 'but' after the comma. It gives more effect and gives better flow.

"sometimes, I wonder how your voice can really be this healing"

Make it "Can be so healing", better flow and grammar.

Ok, so I was a bit rough on parts, but still, you have a good, quality piece here. You're definately developing as a writer and realizing that you don't need to make things exact. Be more broad. I love the use of quotes too, that's a quirk that I use often.

[iHATEapril]

"when you said the words to try and make yourself right"

Make that line "All right" or something for better flow.

"And now, I promise you two weeks in my heart then you're done"

Up to you, but I would put I would make it something like "and then you're done" for better flow.

"And I'll send you off to your a new special someone"

Remove the "a", it's confusing.

"But I mean, every stinging word I say"

Remove the comma, it confuses the reader otherwise. Because you mean that you MEAN those words, the comma ruins that effect.

"Now I count time times, your voice rang funny in my ears"

Time times? Change funny too, make it strangely or something, funny sounds asinine.

"everything reverberates, you're the only one I hear"

Add a 'but' after the comma. It gives more effect and gives better flow.

"sometimes, I wonder how your voice can really be this healing"

Make it "Can be so healing", better flow and grammar.

Ok, so I was a bit rough on parts, but still, you have a good, quality piece here. You're definately developing as a writer and realizing that you don't need to make things exact. Be more broad. I love the use of quotes too, that's a quirk that I use often.

Thank you very much, those are a bunch of great suggestions and I really appreciate it.

[OveriseFan]

No problem.

That's what we need on this forum, actual help, not just "I like it" or "I don't like it."

That doesn't help anyone.

[SLADE775]

Terrible.

[Angsty]

This is better than anything I could ever write!
...

[iHATEapril]

Terrible.

Thanks for being constructive, good to know you have the forums interests at heart.

[iHATEapril]

...

lolz, thanks I guess.

[SLADE775]

Thanks for being constructive, good to know you have the forums interests at heart.

You're welcome.

[a speedo model]

i don't know about this. it's not that bad, but it just didn't hold my attention. it has some lines that are really good. it just needs work though. keep working on it.

[ArTkY_]

James basically summed everything up.

[iHATEapril]

James basically summed everything up.

Is that a me likes or a me dont likes?

[Checkers]

apart from the meaningless grammatical errors, i thought it was good. when i read something that's wrong i tend to just correct it in my hed without thinking about it. i really like the whole 'teary eyed' part. yes yes yes. i quite like it, good work :D but i do aggree you should revise it and make some changes