the ending song (coming undone)

[x.arsenic.x]

(a/n: found this sucker half finished in a notebook and i was feeling pretty creative tonight so i finished it. feedback would be very nice =D)

Its like the sun came up
Ending a perfect night
Everything’s all over
Put your clothes back on…
After all these times I’m still in the fight
But its like I was destined to lose.
Don’t think I realize exactly what I got myself into

And there’s these moments when I think I can win you
But I know there’s no way
That could happen to me.
I guess I’m dreaming, forever unbelieving
It’s true…

-Chorus-
But I know, that we’re through, it’ll never be
And I wish I was wrong, but it’s easy
To see the whole time this was not what I thought
It would… become…
And now it’s coming undone…

So the timing was wrong but
That doesn’t make you right
We’re so much more alike than you’d ever like to admit…
You kissed like you meant it, oh
I really should have known
The truth, I never really meant anything to you

Guess I never thought I’d fall so damn hard
Hit the ground with a start
And I’m shattered again
Pick up the pieces, its just like all the
Times before…

-Chorus-

So now I’m silly with emotion can’t sit still
I’ll never fix it and I’m spilling out these lyrics
Like a drunkard spewing whiskey
Self-effacing yet I’m putting myself right on the front line
Can’t keep this all inside anymore

It's like the sun came up
And now its in our eyes
And I'm blind to the fact
That there's not gonna be a next time

-Chorus-

And now it’s coming undone…

[shortone1320]

well done, my only suggestion is is that u break up some long lines such as:

'So now I’m silly with emotion can’t sit still'
to
"I'm silly with emotion,"
"can't sit still"

and u could change tenses to add more ryhme flow

"So now I’m silly with emotion"
"can’t sit still"
"I’ll never fix it"
"and I spill out these lyrics"

[The Personist]

Rife with cliches and really easy, safe, contrived imagery. Try to show us how you feel instead of telling us, and try to approach/say things in new ways instead of resorting to the same old conventional images.

[x.arsenic.x]

well done, my only suggestion is is that u break up some long lines such as:

'So now I’m silly with emotion can’t sit still'
to
"I'm silly with emotion,"
"can't sit still"

and u could change tenses to add more ryhme flow

"So now I’m silly with emotion"
"can’t sit still"
"I’ll never fix it"
"and I spill out these lyrics"

thanks for the advice, it does sound better that way =)

[x.arsenic.x]

Rife with cliches and really easy, safe, contrived imagery. Try to show us how you feel instead of telling us, and try to approach/say things in new ways instead of resorting to the same old conventional images.
well, thank you for the criticism. i do try, but lyric writing isn't my strong suit. i just do it for fun, i'm not too serious about it.

but i seem to recall you using that exact same post (or something eerily similar to that) to comment on someone else's lyrics. do you just sit there and read people's posts and then copy/paste in the same answer? perhaps you could find something a bit more productive to do with your time... i'm just saying.

[The Personist]

well, thank you for the criticism. i do try, but lyric writing isn't my strong suit. i just do it for fun, i'm not too serious about it.

but i seem to recall you using that exact same post (or something eerily similar to that) to comment on someone else's lyrics. do you just sit there and read people's posts and then copy/paste in the same answer? perhaps you could find something a bit more productive to do with your time... i'm just saying.
I wrote this before I wrote my comment on his. And the criticism stands for both.

[x.arsenic.x]

i see now. highly unoriginal criticisms for highly unoriginal lyrics (although his were better than mine).

still, i appreciate the feedback. thank you.