Cell Phone Serenade

[iHATEapril]

Okay, the rhyme scheme is a little jumpy and hard to follow and makes more sense when it's actually sang. Uh, honest opinions and suggestions please.

This is not the newest idea
I've flirted with it from time to time
I've called myself it in closed quarters
while you've said it with friend's to your sides
The words are written so light you can barely see them
but strike you as strangely familiar
You're a god and I love you is the letter
To my address signed by you and sent

We've come in search of this passion
that plagues the hearts of girls with a pen
We've come to ask how you made the decision
that I'm the alpha, the omega, the end.
How's a boy to deal with himself
when he finds he's the world to another?
It'll destroy him so goddamn well
they won't show his remains to his lover

I don't know myself anymore
when I mean so much to a person
and with our bodies firmly on the floor
I command you to just make me yours
Oh the things, the things that I've done
Just to fall in love with someone

[a speedo model]

it's good. i like the lines : It'll destroy him so goddamn well, they won't show his remains to his lover. i thought they were very good. the second verse is good but it feels like it could be better, it just doesn't live up to the first. maybe try and work on that, i don't know. but the rest is very good. the last verse is a bit cliche but that really doesn't hurt it that much. anyways, keep it up.

[de la sympathie]

oh man. i LOVE this. best thing i've read in a while. i'm not so sure about the first verse but the second and third make up for it in spades. excellent work.

[ArTkY_]

Love the structure. This is gonna sound really gay and concieted, but it reminds me of something I would write, the rhyming, the structure, the way you used the words. I'm sorry, I had to say it, haha. Its just shorter than what I'd do.

This is the best thing you've written.