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View Full Version : You are allowed to laugh if you want, I just wrote something!


TheHeretic
05/02/06, 08:59 AM
hey people, I'm new here , but I like this forum a lot! Especially this part where you can let other people read the things you write.

I'll post a lyric I wrote. 1. I'm Dutch, so don't comment me on my spelling and grammar ghehe ;)

2. I'm not much of a writer....I like it but I think I suck

anyways, judge/laugh, do whatever you like!

Horizon Call

As long as the floods of illumination guide us in our misery, an empty-hearted specimen.
We’re all substantially different
Troubled water and waves of loathing air, I hope this bottle reaches you.
This movie is belligerent

I don’t want to know, little Janey,
Cause there might be someone who will make our effort,
seem like the breathing that we do
I don’t want to know, little Janey.
Our feet are moving ignorantly , our souls are right off track,
No one can save this
No one can save this now

As far as this mirror reaches, a tempting point-of-view
We’re living out the piercing truth
Redundancy is our mistake, but look upon the other.
Our heads will not adapt


Some secrets, should never be told,
Seamlessly frightful, but listen, listen, listen

parallelism
05/02/06, 11:04 AM
As far as this mirror reaches, a tempting point-of-view
We’re living out the piercing truth
Redundancy is our mistake, but look upon the other.
Our heads will not adapt


Some secrets, should never be told,
Seamlessly frightful, but listen, listen, listen

I like those lines.

The first line isn't a complete sentence, and some of your ideas sound a little bit forced. However, I think that will a little bit of clarification this could be a lot better. It's already not bad, by any means, but I think you could make it good.

TheHeretic
05/02/06, 11:24 AM
thanks an awful lot, I'm surprised...I'll work on it! ;)

OveriseFan
05/02/06, 11:54 AM
HAHAHAHA


That is all.

I haven't read it yet

TheHeretic
05/02/06, 12:00 PM
you seem like an awfully nice guy.....................

ArTkY_
05/02/06, 03:22 PM
you seem like an awfully nice guy.....................
He hasn't read it yet.

TheHeretic
05/02/06, 03:35 PM
what happens if he does then hahaha?

apoemtothedead
05/02/06, 04:08 PM
what happens if he does then hahaha?
He'll tell you it sucks.

ArTkY_
05/02/06, 08:22 PM
what happens if he does then hahaha?
haha, I don't know. James is odd.

Oh and Mark (apoemtothedead) is not to be taken seriously at all, he never reads anything.

apoemtothedead
05/02/06, 09:39 PM
haha, I don't know. James is odd.

Oh and Mark (apoemtothedead) is not to be taken seriously at all, he never reads anything.
I read that. Primarily because I saw my name.

ArTkY_
05/02/06, 09:53 PM
I read that. Primarily because I saw my name.
True. So Mark, what keeps you alive? This forum?

apoemtothedead
05/02/06, 11:47 PM
True. So Mark, what keeps you alive? This forum?
Not alive. Just entertained.

ArTkY_
05/03/06, 07:50 AM
Not alive. Just entertained.
I figured you lived for being a jackass to newbs?

iHATEapril
05/03/06, 02:18 PM
I think it's very nice to look at, but doesn't have a lot behind it. You went a little overboard at times, but I think you could adapt it to be really something ya know?

a speedo model
05/03/06, 02:32 PM
there are some really good lines in it. but the beginning needs work. keep working on it, it's not bad and with some work it could be really good.

apoemtothedead
05/03/06, 04:13 PM
I figured you lived for being a jackass to newbs?
No. I just like shooting down people's dreams.

TheHeretic
05/07/06, 03:24 PM
No. I just like shooting down people's dreams.

haha, this is not my dream so no this doesn't really affect me ;) thanks people for taking the time in reading it , really appreciate it...I know it's not very good and it actually is more a mixture of nice words and sentences than a logical whole you know hahaha