Fire & Water

[nkalldayyy]

we fall like waves,
and crash like break lights.
there's so many little things,
that cause all our big fights.
we tear up then quiet down,
hug only to pull away,
hold hands then throw words,
but you know that I'll stay.

we wear these burns like our favorite clothes.
we'll watch this fire heat the love in our bones.
I wish I could remember to follow my pride,
but I can't hold a candle to the fire inside.

[AllEnds]

i really like that, especially the last sentence.

[TK]

we fall like waves,
and crash like break lights.
there's so many little things,
that cause all our big fights.


Opening lines seem interesting at first but then just become hollow. How are you falling like waves? Why don't you expand on that instead of making one liners that aren't clever but rather empty metaphors. Same with crashing like break lights. It sounds cool at first, but once you think about it, it really doesn't make any sense. How do you break lights crash? I know I'm taking maybe a too literal stance on this, but the next two lines just show(imo) that you used the beginning lines to set up the rhyme. Now, in the next two lines, they're just bleh. Comparing "little" things to "big" things isn't necessary a cliche, but in the way you did it, it's rather uncreative. So I'd work on expanding the first two lines and replace the next two with something else.


we tear up then quiet down,
hug only to pull away,
hold hands then throw words,
but you know that I'll stay.


This isn't very good either. I admit, I liked the line "hug only to pull away" because I personally can take more meaning in it rather than the obvious one. However, the rest is just bad and there's no way around that. Perhaps bad is a bit strong...it's completely uncreative and doesn't provoke any thoughts of interest for me; it's boring. Although, outside of the second line, I liked how you said "throw words". That's a start to something and you should work on replicating that kind of imagery throughout your poem.


we wear these burns like our favorite clothes.
we'll watch this fire heat the love in our bones.
I wish I could remember to follow my pride,
but I can't hold a candle to the fire inside.

You're trying to hard here. Again, I was initially drawn in by the first line but then disappointed by the fact that you, again, seemed to use it as a prop to set up the rhyme in the next one. I felt the same way about the third line. I'm as guilty as anyone in forcing rhymes, as you can tell if you've read some of my stuff, but this seems more than forced because the lines don't hold any relevance(imo) to the next. Now, in this stanza you carried the fire imagery throughout which is nice and something I always like for the writer to do, but its shallow imagery.

Overall, this is something to work with I suppose. Right now, it's bad, but that doesn't mean you can't turn it into something good with some work because you've got a couple ideas going for you.

[Ryzenfall]

we fall like waves,
and crash like break lights.
there's so many little things,
that cause all our big fights.
we tear up then quiet down,
hug only to pull away,
hold hands then throw words,
but you know that I'll stay.

we wear these burns like our favorite clothes.
we'll watch this fire heat the love in our bones.
I wish I could remember to follow my pride,
but I can't hold a candle to the fire inside.

This reminds me a bit of how I used to write. I'd have my lines written out to sound poetic and yet sacrifice what I'm actually trying to communicate for the sake of the rhyme. If the rhyme adds to the message, then let it live. If the rhyme and meter confines the message so that it can't breathe and get out, it's hurting the piece. I feel like I see hints of what you want to say in these lines, but there is nowhere to go except for another thin image and a rhyming line later on.

I also think that you could expand on this to make it good. It's better than some of the stuff that's been posted here before. A poem is not so much a rhyme with words though, as I used to think. It's a story, a conversation, a musical painting in words. I took forever trying to let my messages speak through without all the glitz and fun words and getting rid of my notion that everything always has to rhyme too, so it'll take time.

I look forward to see more posts from you though.

[nkalldayyy]

i really like that, especially the last sentence.
thanks!

[nkalldayyy]

Opening lines seem interesting at first but then just become hollow. How are you falling like waves? Why don't you expand on that instead of making one liners that aren't clever but rather empty metaphors. Same with crashing like break lights. It sounds cool at first, but once you think about it, it really doesn't make any sense. How do you break lights crash? I know I'm taking maybe a too literal stance on this, but the next two lines just show(imo) that you used the beginning lines to set up the rhyme. Now, in the next two lines, they're just bleh. Comparing "little" things to "big" things isn't necessary a cliche, but in the way you did it, it's rather uncreative. So I'd work on expanding the first two lines and replace the next two with something else.



This isn't very good either. I admit, I liked the line "hug only to pull away" because I personally can take more meaning in it rather than the obvious one. However, the rest is just bad and there's no way around that. Perhaps bad is a bit strong...it's completely uncreative and doesn't provoke any thoughts of interest for me; it's boring. Although, outside of the second line, I liked how you said "throw words". That's a start to something and you should work on replicating that kind of imagery throughout your poem.



You're trying to hard here. Again, I was initially drawn in by the first line but then disappointed by the fact that you, again, seemed to use it as a prop to set up the rhyme in the next one. I felt the same way about the third line. I'm as guilty as anyone in forcing rhymes, as you can tell if you've read some of my stuff, but this seems more than forced because the lines don't hold any relevance(imo) to the next. Now, in this stanza you carried the fire imagery throughout which is nice and something I always like for the writer to do, but its shallow imagery.

Overall, this is something to work with I suppose. Right now, it's bad, but that doesn't mean you can't turn it into something good with some work because you've got a couple ideas going for you.
thanks, I agree with the majority of what you said. It still needs massive work, lol.

I really appreciate all of your input. : )

[nkalldayyy]

This reminds me a bit of how I used to write. I'd have my lines written out to sound poetic and yet sacrifice what I'm actually trying to communicate for the sake of the rhyme. If the rhyme adds to the message, then let it live. If the rhyme and meter confines the message so that it can't breathe and get out, it's hurting the piece. I feel like I see hints of what you want to say in these lines, but there is nowhere to go except for another thin image and a rhyming line later on.

I also think that you could expand on this to make it good. It's better than some of the stuff that's been posted here before. A poem is not so much a rhyme with words though, as I used to think. It's a story, a conversation, a musical painting in words. I took forever trying to let my messages speak through without all the glitz and fun words and getting rid of my notion that everything always has to rhyme too, so it'll take time.

I look forward to see more posts from you though.
thanks!

I definitely have to relax with all the needless rhyming, haha. it starts to get difficult when I try to think about it as a song/lyrics and not so much as successful writing. the stuff I write that doesn't rhyme works a lot better actually, now that I'm starting to pick up on some of my bad habits, thanks to you and the above post, lol.

let me know if you post anything in here, i'd love to read some of your stuff : )

[Ryzenfall]

thanks!

I definitely have to relax with all the needless rhyming, haha. it starts to get difficult when I try to think about it as a song/lyrics and not so much as successful writing. the stuff I write that doesn't rhyme works a lot better actually, now that I'm starting to pick up on some of my bad habits, thanks to you and the above post, lol.

let me know if you post anything in here, i'd love to read some of your stuff : )

No problem. We all have to hear some hard feedback sometime, and I'm glad you have chosen to take them instead of get mad, haha. Some people do that, and it's unfortunate for them. I have some posts in here that are in pages farther back, and a lot of them are very contrained by rhyme and meter too as you'll see. Lately i've been trying to provide a door to what i'm seeing in my head rather than writing something down for style points.

And since you asked, I just posted an extremely lengthy piece recently.

[The Personist]

I second all the comments about forced rhymes.

[nkalldayyy]

No problem. We all have to hear some hard feedback sometime, and I'm glad you have chosen to take them instead of get mad, haha. Some people do that, and it's unfortunate for them. I have some posts in here that are in pages farther back, and a lot of them are very contrained by rhyme and meter too as you'll see. Lately i've been trying to provide a door to what i'm seeing in my head rather than writing something down for style points.

And since you asked, I just posted an extremely lengthy piece recently.
thanks : ) I'll check it out.

[wholeofheart]

i like the 2nd verse for sure

[Blackend_Tearz]

Awesome second verse