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SardonicOwnsMe
05/11/06, 05:22 PM
I'm curious as to how others view my poetry. Considering my creative writing class was filled with a bunch of douches that wrote about their "last great heartbreak" in the most trite way, I decided to turn here.

This was written after studying and researching marxist theory for my literature class.

Breakfast, August 13th

I see the world in a bowl of fruit loops---
They are generic, because I cannot afford the real thing
But its ok, the message is still there:

I see the red wheels for all that they are worth.
Composed
Of bricks molded with sugar and a sense
Of favoritism towards fires & animals & life
And the like, but not for real.

And the yellow, cool clean lemon,
Circles around its prey and plunges,
Head first,
Tail up, into the
Small puddle
With the strength of a fluffy, matted-feathered
Chick.

I am overcome with
the fierceness of a great white shark
With sharpened violet teeth curled & crusted
With squishy jelly fish from
Last night’s midnight snack.

The predator, a green,
Grass-colored,
tree,
apple-coated,
Breathes slowly amongst
The poppy memorial that was
Built besides the candy-coated-sugary
Goodness.

My spoon stirs quietly.

Orange becomes the air.
It glows like the chemical
Poof that a (practicing)
Magician uses to foil his own
Trick.

Your childhood sizzles in the pan
With the bacon, the eggs
(With a side of lard, please, ok, thank you)

Breakfast is meant to be consumed.

ides of march
05/11/06, 05:28 PM
thats some deep shit man

SardonicOwnsMe
05/11/06, 05:40 PM
thats some deep shit man

hahah is that bad or good?

bobbo8
05/11/06, 05:47 PM
Well august 13 is my birthday and fruit loops are my favorite cereal so the first 2 lines won me over.

sbalfourish
05/11/06, 06:07 PM
i'm allergic to fruit loops, so i hated it.

SardonicOwnsMe
05/11/06, 06:10 PM
i'm allergic to fruit loops, so i hated it.

Okay, that's fair.

punkpixie
05/12/06, 05:45 AM
This was excellent. Thank fuck for someone else that just 'gets it'. Thank you for posting that and restoring my faith that there are some other people on creative writing courses that can actually write and think in unison.

ImpulZe
05/12/06, 05:54 AM
dang a song about cereal....i love it!

SardonicOwnsMe
05/12/06, 07:57 AM
you guys are awesome. thank youuu.

a speedo model
05/12/06, 08:20 AM
very good.

OveriseFan
05/15/06, 12:28 PM
Am I the only one who didn't like this at all?

It seems forced, and fake. Parts of it were asinine, others were pretentious, and the ending line is blah. I mean, I get it and all, but really you could've done so much more, with or without this metaphor.

SardonicOwnsMe
05/15/06, 01:59 PM
Am I the only one who didn't like this at all?

It seems forced, and fake. Parts of it were asinine, others were pretentious, and the ending line is blah. I mean, I get it and all, but really you could've done so much more, with or without this metaphor.

Okay. I like criticism. In your opinion, how could I improve it? Is it just the metaphor that you don't like? What parts are asinine and pretentious? I'm curious.