Too Much Canvass, Not Enough Color

[TK]

I need to break out of this coat
That I've been breaking in,
But my eyes won't adjust,
The color's just too damn dim.
So I need to sweep some grays
Up underneath my bed, or
Tuck a couple of them inside those
Wooden boxes kept inside my closet.
Even though, I know, they're not gone
But at least I won't see them every day
And that's the first step in adjusting yourself
And moving on. So I hear anyway.

Have I been wearing sun glasses
Or some dirty contact lenses?

The lights are flickering,
I can tell a bulb's about to die.
I wonder if it will explode, or
Just simmer out it's last few moments
Of being the sign that illuminates Yale's skyline.
Poof, it goes, and it's even darker now
Why should I keep looking for a bright spot
When there's not one to be found?

Have I been wearing sun glasses
Or some dirty contact lenses?

A pin of color tossed into an black and gray haystack.
Tell me, how am I ever supposed to find that?
It would be much easier just to give this up,
Focus on those past TV color moments I had
And just say it's time to go back to 1935.

The world always wears a new costume,
But it fails to ever carry another tint
And frankly, I'm fucking sick of it.
The same goes for this circus act
Of balancing blues and grays on the same
Pole. It doesn't work. It never does.

[apresnuledeluge]

You definitely have the wit two write a wonderful piece. That said, some of this seems a bit wordy and the cursing seems a little out of place. The first and last stanzas are quite good, however the middle two (excluding the couplets) could stand to be rethought.

All in all the concept is very good and the potential is there. Do some rewording around the center because the current arrangement isn't doing your ideas justice. Other than that, great job. Keep it up.

[TK]

Thanks, although I'm surprised you like the last stanza more than both of the middle ones. After writing this, I definitely felt it(last stanza) needed the most work. But I'll definitely take into consideration your comments and see what I can do with the middle sections. As for the cursing though, the "fucking" was meant to seem out of place as the whole last stanza seems out of place to me because it's so blatant in what it's saying. Anyways, thanks again for the feedback man, I appreciate it.