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View Full Version : Innovating Ideas Through the Eyes of an Optimist...(Part one)


OveriseFan
05/12/06, 01:43 PM
Part one of my short story, part two will be coming when I finish my research paper. Alcatraz Island is not nearly as interesting as you'd think. Thank you Romantic Rights for the inspiration. If you read this all, I'll love you. Please leave a comment, and possibly a link to your own writing if you have it. Thanks. P.S. The title's meant to be sarcastic/ironic/what have you... I was never good with literary techniques.

http://download.yousendit.com/3A19AF1A7AEF8203

There's a link to download this, so you get all the nice italics and stuff.

I couldn't sleep, I kept pacing around my room like I was an animal stuck in my cage for too long. I'd finished my third Sam Adams and the new Thursday had finished for the second time. Nothing good is on T.V. at 11:30 at night. I decided to catch a bus down to the beach, and walked outside my apartment. The bus was scheduled for 11:45, so I had some time to kill. I threw rocks at the bats, which were flying above me overhead. One landed dangerously close to my feet, so I stopped. I think I might have clipped one of their wings though, I hope the bastard can't fly anymore. I hate bats.

The bus pulled up late, of course. Why do busses and airplanes and trains never seem to be on schedule. Airplanes I'll give them; the problems with the air and storms and what not, but the busses have no real excuse. I bet the driver was getting high in a parking lot too. When I stepped on the bus, my theory was confirmed, because the bus driver smelled of smoke and herbs. I saw a small roll of paper inside the trash bin. I dropped in my nickel and moved on. There was a black couple sitting in the front seat, with an Asian man opposite. The Asian man seemed like a student, he looked business-like with glasses with black rims, he had long hair, but it was neatly parted. He held a laptop on his (go figure) lap, but he wasn't using it. I could tell he was a student, though, because he had a long-sleeved polo shirt, white, with pink, vertical stripes, un-tucked, yet the right half was slightly in. He pulled it out slightly more as I walked past. I think his jeans might have been girl jeans. Emo pussy.

The black couple turned around and stared as I walked toward the back. Suppose they can't understand why what they fought so hard against, I now wanted. Perhaps they felt some sort of resentment toward that, like us whites tricked them, and the back really was better or some shit. I doubt it, no one seems to care that much about a lonely asshole like me. They stared, I walked. After sitting down into the second to last seat (I hate sitting in the back row, because it's one continuous one. I'm not into that.), I suddenly realized I was wearing a Murder By Death shirt, which, presumably, is what the black couple was staring at. A slightly confusing name, I suppose. It was now only 11:52, but it seemed like it was easily 2 A.M. The beach was only a few minutes away, so I wasn't on the bus too long.

As we pulled up, seeing the sand along the roadside, and the tall, dark buildings with now vacant neon signs, I stood up, pulling the top rope as I did. The bus stopped abruptly, and I was shoved involuntarily forward. The black couple stared again, and I held in the urge to flip them both off. After I stepped off, the bus began to pull away, but then stopped again. The Asian student walked off. He headed down backward though, and I wondered why he didn't get off earlier. I got slightly paranoid he might follow me, but shook off the though. I head toward the beach. As I passed the bus schedule, a horrible thought entered my mind, which I hadn't thought about when I left: That was the last bus of the night, I’d have to wait until morning to get home. I almost panicked, because it seems there was no hotel in sight. Then I remembered, I was here for the beach, and to the beach I would go. I’d worry about my housing situation later.

I walked down the boardwalk to the stairs, forming a straight line with my feet over the tram tracks. The water was really rolling in and out, like a storm was forming. I knew from the weather report (which I’d seen at 5, 7:30, 10, and 11) on the news that there were no storms predicted all week. I was thankful for that, more now than then, because I was stuck in the middle of this forsaken town.

After sitting there for what seemed like hours, my feet resting in the water, I’d taken off my pants and waded in slightly, but not enough to get my boxers wet. My luck, a wave came and swept me under, so I was soaked from head to toe now. I tried to find a place to dry, but couldn’t. Grudgingly, I put my dry pants back on, and was thankful I didn’t wade in with them on, but pissed because my underwear was now wet. I hate that wet/dry feeling. That contrast.

I spotted a vending machine, and, after digging into my pocket, was even more thankful I had taken my pants off, because I found a five-dollar bill, albeit it’s being slightly rumpled. I felt slightly drunk from the three Sam Adams and two Heinekens I drank. I wish I stayed at home. But, I had comfort in knowing I could get chips and a coke or something, hoping that the soda would bring back some soberness.

I pulled the five out of my pocket, and though it was slightly rumpled, it seemed like it could work. I pushed it up against the glass, and tried to flatten it some more. I fed it into the machine, but infant-like it spit it out. Bills can be such a bitch to get the machine to take. I tried again, to no avail. Third time was supposedly a charm, but after a moment, it spit it out again. I finally shoved it in, and kept my hand in front of it. To my surprise, it accepted it. I glanced at the machine, saw the regular Coke (so many varieties these days…), and pressed B5. The coke shot out. I grabbed my change, and went to the other vending machine. Thankful I had coins at this point, I stuffed them in gleefully. I got a bag of Wise chips, though I prefer Lay’s, they only had barbeque. I hate anything that differs too far from the norm in mainstream products, though I suppose Cherry Coke’s fine.

After drinking half the coke, and finishing the chips, I felt a little more sober. I wasn’t straight-up drunk by any means, just a little tipsy, if you know what I mean. I finally cleared my head enough to remember there was a park I could sleep in that night, so I headed off to the East… at least I think it was the East. Could’ve been West, I suppose, but it was to my right, anyhow. I had seen hobos and vagrants sleep there before, so I figured I would be ok for a night. Never heard about any trouble, anyway…

TKTrish
05/12/06, 06:25 PM
I liked it. It's new, it's original...a fresh break from the usual stuff on here.

TeaService
05/12/06, 06:53 PM
I totally agree. I found your writing to be amazing. I like the way you think outside the box. Very nice job.



:)

OveriseFan
05/12/06, 07:33 PM
Well thank you both, VERY much. I really appreciate it.

cris545
05/12/06, 08:02 PM
I'll get back to you on this tomorrow :)

ArTkY_
05/12/06, 11:15 PM
This is good, though your writing style is nothing innovative. Its just the same modernistic style that you see a lot today. Maybe its not unique, or maybe I'm just judging you too hard, but I still like it.

punkpixie
05/13/06, 05:27 AM
This is good, though your writing style is nothing innovative. Its just the same modernistic style that you see a lot today. Maybe its not unique, or maybe I'm just judging you too hard, but I still like it.

I half-agree with Tariq's point. I did enjoy it though.

However I will say that I think you should be careful with your pop-culture references. I use them all the time but you have to make sure that they aren't so obscure or modern that they lose their impact (I'm thinking in particular about the Murder By Death one). Sometimes it can work in the opposite way and show how closed off you are to the world rather than show how much you know of it. Especially with examples from the 'scene'.

I hope that made sense.

OveriseFan
05/13/06, 05:27 AM
This is good, though your writing style is nothing innovative. Its just the same modernistic style that you see a lot today. Maybe its not unique, or maybe I'm just judging you too hard, but I still like it.

No, my style(especially in short story/contemporary writing) is definately one that you see with authors like Salinger, Eggers, Palahiunk, etc. I try to breach out from that though with better descriptions of the scenes I'm painting... This is definately that typical "cult-classic"(if you will) writing.

punkpixie
05/13/06, 05:28 AM
No, my style(especially in short story/contemporary writing) is definately one that you see with authors like Salinger, Eggers, Palahiunk, etc. I try to breach out from that though with better descriptions of the scenes I'm painting... This is definately that typical "cult-classic"(if you will) writing.

You can still totally maintain that (I know I do). You just got to find your original niche to go with it.

OveriseFan
05/13/06, 05:28 AM
I half-agree with Tariq's point. I did enjoy it though.

However I will say that I think you should be careful with your pop-culture references. I use them all the time but you have to make sure that they aren't so obscure or modern that they lose their impact (I'm thinking in particular about the Murder By Death one). Sometimes it can work in the opposite way and show how closed off you are to the world rather than show how much you know of it. Especially with examples from the 'scene'.

I hope that made sense.

Meh, considering I was inspired by someone from ap.net about this story, I decided to amuse myself with it. It might change if I ever actually want to do something with it(perhaps just something like Metallica) but I doubt it'll turn out that well.

I'd continue this conversation, but my little brother's making his 1st holy communion.

punkpixie
05/13/06, 05:30 AM
Meh, considering I was inspired by someone from ap.net about this story, I decided to amuse myself with it. It might change if I ever actually want to do something with it(perhaps just something like Metallica) but I doubt it'll turn out that well.

I'd continue this conversation, but my little brother's making his 1st holy communion.

I did like it though. It's the sort of thing I am usually into.

OveriseFan
05/13/06, 05:35 AM
I did like it though. It's the sort of thing I am usually into.

No, no, I meant like, publishing-quality. It won't reach that.

ArTkY_
05/13/06, 02:06 PM
No, my style(especially in short story/contemporary writing) is definately one that you see with authors like Salinger, Eggers, Palahiunk, etc. I try to breach out from that though with better descriptions of the scenes I'm painting... This is definately that typical "cult-classic"(if you will) writing.
Yes, James, that's called modernistic writing, lol. Read anything from the last 50 years... Vonnegut, Palahiunk... very similar.

cris545
05/13/06, 05:50 PM
Hm... I enjoyed that a lot, but I think the narration could be better, so I guess I agree with Tariq.

OveriseFan
05/13/06, 07:39 PM
Yes, James, that's called modernistic writing, lol. Read anything from the last 50 years... Vonnegut, Palahiunk... very similar.

I prefer contemporary, but yes, I suppose modernistic works.

In Dolorosa
05/14/06, 06:00 PM
God damn, i read this, and it was as if i was reading my own writing. I think are styles are very similar, and I enjoyed reading this more than you will know. Here are two links to some of my writing that reminded me of this.

http://www.absolutepunk.net/showthread.php?t=78516

and

http://www.absolutepunk.net/showthread.php?t=123332

Let me know what you think by posting back on this thread. Thanks.