Sammy Hagar is full of shit and here's why:

[kearn1tm]

While slinging coffee drinks at my place of employment, a co-worker brought in their "super ironic mix-tape" (because he's an ass who thinks pop music must be enjoyed ironically) filled with outlandish (yet oddly listenable) cuts from the '80s (we're talking "Man Eater" here). The fourth track plays, and it's Sammy Hagar's popular single There's Only One Way to Rock, from his 1981 full-length Standing Hampton. The pre-Van Halen solo star shouts repeatedly "there's only one way to rock," which immediately annoyed me.

Firstly, this is quite an affected statement. "There's only one way to rock." How can that be? Where did Sammy Hagar gain the credentials to make such a claim? How well-versed on the act of 'rocking' is he to throw around such ostentatious boasts? Even worse, Hagar makes this assertion (not a "I think there's only one way to rock," or "this idea of there existing only one way to rock is a hypothesis I'm currently researching,") yet doesn't even tell the listeners what that one way is. It's one thing to negate all the various kinds of 'rocking' in the world, but the audacity he has to do so without supporting his claim with the actual sole way to rock is ridiculous.

Secondly, I was inspired to do some independent research, and I've gathered the empirical evidence needed to prove that there's at the very least seventeen and a half ways to rock. Now, that's just what I've found on my own and in such a limited time. I'm sure the ways to rock could, in fact, number in the triple digits. I think Hagar is full of shit (and subsequently after this album, went on to ruin Van Halen, surprising no one).

[Blakebear]

What you've said proves nothing until you can show this list of seventeen and a half ways.

[oddwithoutend]

Sammy pretentious overrated is Hagar bombastic Todd honesty subjective ostentatious art therefore irony opinion has.

[love_american_style]

he's annoying.

[kearn1tm]

What you've said proves nothing until you can show this list of seventeen and a half ways.

Ways to rock:
Beating an elephant to death using a small person as a club.
Having sex in the rain.
Having sex on the rain.
Having sex inside the rain.
Pondering if you're actually having sex in the rain or if it's all some solipsistic illusion while having sex in the rain.
Creating rain.
Cheating on your taxes and not getting caught.
Murdering someone and not getting caught.
Murdering someone and later finding that someone else was tried and convicted for it.
Ranting about Sammy Hagar online.
Making fun of "ironic mix tapes."
Listening to Man Eater in a non-ironic way (because it's fun).
Doing backflips at random intervals throughout the day in public.
Debunking the myth that novelty hybrid words (bromance, synergy, redonkulous, etc.) are cool.
Being Lou Reed.
Fucking Lou Reed.
Being Lou Reed while fucking Lou Reed (or reading about being Lou Reed while fucking Lou Reed for the half part).You're welcome.

Sammy pretentious overrated is Hagar bombastic Todd honesty subjective ostentatious art therefore irony opinion has.

Who the fuck argued with me about the meaning of bombastic for twelve hours? Who was that? They're a cunt who should die of Ebola.

[oddwithoutend]

Who the fuck argued with me about the meaning bombastic for twelve hours? Who was that? They're a cunt who should die of Ebola.

Dying of Ebola is not one way to rock.

[kearn1tm]

Dying of Ebola is not one way to rock.

Was it you? If so, I've found a new way to rock.

18: Wishing you'd die from the Ebola virus.

[oddwithoutend]

Debunking the myth that novelty hybrid words (bromance, synergy, redonkulous, etc.) are cool.haha This is how I rock.

[kearn1tm]

19.) Destroying a Northbrook album.
20.) Sticking it to whitey (entirely unrelated to the pseudo-black guy who made the Northbrook album).

[oddwithoutend]

Was it you? If so, I've found a new way to rock.

18: Wishing you'd die from the Ebola virus.

haha I don't think it was me. It might have been. I do recall asking you whether or not you thought your sense of humour was more or less ostentatious than Jesse Lacey's lyrics. Can asking that question be the 21st way to rock?

[oddwithoutend]

22: Wearing a ninja turtles shirt that says "HEROES IN A HALF-SHELL" on it.

[kearn1tm]

haha I don't think it was me. It might have been. I do recall asking you whether or not you thought your sense of humour was more or less ostentatious than Jesse Lacey's lyrics. Can asking that question be the 21st way to rock?

Never.

22: Wearing a ninja turtles shirt that says "HEROES IN A HALF-SHELL" on it.

21.) Debunking the myth that everything from your childhood can be co-opted to become ironichic.

[oddwithoutend]

Never.



21.) Debunking the myth that everything from your childhood can be co-opted to become ironichic.

hahahaha Well played. It's funny that that's exactly how I justify wearing it to other people. It's great, and it passes for hipster status with anyone except for you. Can I rock, Todd? I want to rock.

[kearn1tm]

hahahaha Well played. It's funny that that's exactly how I justify wearing it to other people. It's great, and it passes for hipster status with anyone except for you. Can I rock, Todd? I want to rock.

Find me the way Hagar rocks and we'll talk.

[apresnuledeluge]

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[kearn1tm]

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Stop insulting Sabretoorth.

[apresnuledeluge]

Stop insulting Sabretoorth.

Van Sabretooth

[briewer]

I've seen him drive 55 before.

[HometownHero]

Sammy Hagar is a joke. I honestly hate bands like Van Halen. And now the dreadful Chickenfoot. We get it. You can play the guitar fast

[ryanhorizons]

he called my work once haha

[kearn1tm]

I've seen him drive 55 before.

But did you see him drive [long pause] 55?

[Chris Fallon]

All I know is the words "mental masturbation" are awesome.

[what_ever]

subscribing because I thoroughly enjoy the thread title and your logic is sound.

[Chris Fallon]

Sammy Hagar is a joke. I honestly hate bands like Van Halen. And now the dreadful Chickenfoot. We get it. You can play the guitar fast
They were fantastic with David Lee Roth, but once Hagar joined... no. He can't play any instruments and he's awful at writing anything besides a sappy ballad or songs about rocking in one way or another.

At least Chickenfoot has good musicians - Chad Smith is a fucking awesome drummer, Joe Satriani is a great guitarist and Michael Anthony used to be something on bass ... not anymore really.

[HometownHero]

They were fantastic with David Lee Roth, but once Hagar joined... no. He can't play any instruments and he's awful at writing anything besides a sappy ballad or songs about rocking in one way or another.

At least Chickenfoot has good musicians - Chad Smith is a fucking awesome drummer, Joe Satriani is a great guitarist and Michael Anthony used to be something on bass ... not anymore really.
But that is just like I said. We get it. You guys can tear shit up on your instrument. But there is no value in that imo. Nothing experimental. Nothing artsy. Its just shredding.

[azlisa]

I had to sit through his awful, terrible set last year at a concert when he opened for Keith Urban and Kenny Chesney. I wanted to die.

[Chris Fallon]

But that is just like I said. We get it. You guys can tear shit up on your instrument. But there is no value in that imo. Nothing experimental. Nothing artsy. Its just shredding.
More or less, it's because they can do it. They have nothing to prove -- they're all just having fun jamming together. I don't particularly enjoy the band, but I say more power to 'em if they're enjoying themselves.

[xmicxcorex]

I had to sit through his awful, terrible set last year at a concert when he opened for Keith Urban and Kenny Chesney. I wanted to die.

What in the fuck was he doing opening for Keith and Kenny?

Also, this entire thread brings the lolz. And the list of ways one can rock is substantial enough evidence to disprove any theories Sammy Hagar could ever bring to the table.

[al.is.on]

this is hilarious, bring the lolz. lets get this list into the triple digits..

22. Giving birth to a fully grown man, on fire, while simultaneously crushing the universe with nothing but the power of thought.

[RedFive]

Synergy is not a novelty hybrid word. Maybe it's a word that could be used in a conversation about hybrids, but the word itself isn't novel and it isn't a hybrid. I'm debunking #14 as a way to rock for lack of good examples and am thus creating a replacement way to rock: debunking other ways to rock.

[The Revisionist]

How dare you infer that "Maneater" is "oddly enjoyable"... Hall and Oates are an incredible R&B/pop group. They still stand the test of time.

[The Revisionist]

If you guys have a couple minutes, read this article my friend Horky wrote for Razorcake about a free Sammy Hagar concert he attended with a trueblood David Lee Roth fan:

http://www.razorcake.org/site/modules.php?name=News&file=article&sid=15766

[kearn1tm]

Synergy is not a novelty hybrid word. Maybe it's a word that could be used in a conversation about hybrids, but the word itself isn't novel and it isn't a hybrid. I'm debunking #14 as a way to rock for lack of good examples and am thus creating a replacement way to rock: debunking other ways to rock.

Ways Not to Rock:
Be this guy
Again, co-opting relics of your youth for super cool irony (Knuckles doesn't deserve that).You're welcome.

[xJesusFreakx]

I do hope these lists will be saved for future reference, should I ever need assistance with rocking. Asking for assistance with your rocking doesn't negate rocking, does it?

[kearn1tm]

I do hope these lists will be saved for future reference, should I ever need assistance with rocking. Asking for assistance with your rocking doesn't negate rocking, does it?

I am not the sole dictator of rocking. That's the whole purpose of hating Hagar's song. Who's he to be the guy to decide there's only one way to rock and he knows it. You find ways to rock and add to the list. Fuck Hagar (not literally)!

[kearn1tm]

How dare you infer that "Maneater" is "oddly enjoyable"... Hall and Oates are an incredible R&B/pop group. They still stand the test of time.

Hey, I adore Hall and Oates, but the chessy synth and keyboards, the innocuous white-bred bastardization of soul, the mullets - they were pretty campy.

[xJesusFreakx]

23.) Grow a beard.

[azlisa]

What in the fuck was he doing opening for Keith and Kenny?

Also, this entire thread brings the lolz. And the list of ways one can rock is substantial enough evidence to disprove any theories Sammy Hagar could ever bring to the table.

I have no idea why he would be on that bill (Gary Allan was also an opener), so it was all country. It was honestly the worst performance I've ever seen live. Well, besides when Puddle of Mudd played a festival show and I had to sit through their set. They kept messing up and one time they completely stopped playing and the singer said, "Sorry, I farted". True fucking story.

[xmicxcorex]

I have no idea why he would be on that bill (Gary Allan was also an opener), so it was all country. It was honestly the worst performance I've ever seen live. Well, besides when Puddle of Mudd played a festival show and I had to sit through their set. They kept messing up and one time they completely stopped playing and the singer said, "Sorry, I farted". True fucking story.


Well I would enjoy the hell out of seeing Keith, Kenny and Gary (I was raised on country, so it still holds a place in my heart), but adding Sammy Hagar to that would be one of the biggest disappointments of my life.

And I believe it about Puddle of Mudd, they're shit.

[azlisa]

That show, minus Sammy of course, was AMAZING! I actually paid $150 for a sandbar ticket for myself so I could be in the front and stand. It was at the AZ Cardinals stadium and the place was PACKED. It had to be close to sold out. Keith is actually my favorite country guy and I love Kenny as well. Gary is great too. I don't regret paying that much at all because it was an amazing time. I didn't even care that I went by myself! I'm going to see Dierks next month! Can't wait! :) I was raised on country as well and even though I love a lot of the music we talk about on here, I'll always love country!