untitled

[AdmistAPoision]

Dear undetermined,
Things are the same
Your face parades crimson discernment
Out in the middle of nowhere my car has stalled
I sit to think- you say there’s mutual vacant understanding
Please stop coughing
Give me a reason to come back your way
Fire regenerates fields of grazing poppy vegetation

You kept me whole
Now I’m scattered
Lost in shadows of anger
Hanging in alleyways smoke fogs up my eyes
Spilling out tears of hope
Is this appropriate?

It’s been ten- ninety-five days sense our detachment
You were captivating-how the hell could you do this to me!!
I once slowly scurried through the polished, silk strands of your hair
Your body excavated to the bones of dinosaurs…gently please
In and out hot steam melted paint off all the walls
My conscience runs unfathomable


What extremes earth allowed us we remained behind a given trust
What’s the least you could exist with?
You could not take the heat!!
You were the camera in my hotel room
Recorder behind her seats at restaurants
I can no longer believe you
I don’t…I never had a attraction for you yet, rather a subdued need of a presence
Can you sing with me?

You kept me whole
Now I’m scattered
Lost in shadows of anger
Hanging in alleyways smoke fogs up my eyes
Spilling out tears of hope
Is this appropriate?

Our relationship was collided with a jet airplane
Burned into untraceable pieces
You told all my friends after all
Through the caravan camels stop for water on the other side of the river
Our unconditional love flew out of bounds
I tried for a rematch and you took it for a recap of things I considered vomit through the mouth

Please stop yawning
During your days you will be along inside
Left with my thoughts as I too remember
I’ve been swallowed up my a media of medications
Distance with all relatives in circulation
There’s no way I can sty in the white cold room
Where machines connect me to healthy breathing

You kept me whole
Now I’m scattered
Lost in shadows of anger
Hanging in alleyways smoke fogs up my eyes
Spilling out tears of hope
Is this appropriate?

You’re going downstream!!
No one hears your screams…
I’m ready to give up this dream of you.
I’m ready to give…

You’ve missed the sirens
You’ve missed the deadline
I can’t be closer to you
Now come to a decision of just friends
My name’s been cleared

You kept me whole
Now I’m scattered
Lost in shadows of anger
Hanging in alleyways smoke fogs up my eyes
Spilling out tears of hope
Is this appropriate?

Caro-lyn I think it is...

please

Forgive me.

[matt_rawlings]

Not bad, although, I'm not going to lie...I had no idea what alot of it means

Some parts I genuinely really digged

[iHATEapril]

Not bad, although, I'm not going to lie...I had no idea what alot of it means

Some parts I genuinely really digged

I don't want to have to follow you.

[OveriseFan]

Follow me then.

[matt_rawlings]

I don't want to have to follow you.

Give me a second will ya

[iHATEapril]

Follow me then.

You got it.

Where is your 8k thread?

[a speedo model]

it's not bad, but alot of the lines seem to be kind of thrown in and don't really fit.

[matt_rawlings]

it's not bad, but alot of the lines seem to be kind of thrown in and don't really fit.

I agree, it sounds like whoever wrote it doesn't really have a grasp on what they are trying to get across/mean

[preppyak]

I agree, it sounds like whoever wrote it doesn't really have a grasp on what they are trying to get across/mean
from reading her earlier poetry...like a few months back, this is much more cohesive, but still manages to be confusing and bit everywhere.

I agree with above, there are quite a few lines that could be cut to make this easier to follow

[parallelism]

Yeah, no offense implied but I didn't really enjoy this much. I don't think it's all that bad, it just (as was said above) is really all over the place, and some lines don't seem to fit. The use of exclamations on certain lines just seems kind of obnoxious (to me at least).

The whole thing seems really, really broken up. There isn't a rhyme scheme, which is okay, but there is no meter either (which would be okay, except that you still wrote this out in verses) which makes it really confusing. It just seems like sentences written out, broken up and placed in stanzas. Maybe repost this as a prose piece, because I think it would work out much better that way.

I also see some over-extended vocabulary. It could afford to be simplified a bit. The only other thing is that, for what it has to offer, it's pretty long.

However, all in all, I think that you have some pretty good ideas. Clarify them a bit, re-arrange them and then repost them (maybe as prose, as I suggested before) and I think you might have a much better piece here.