i've never done this before..but here goes

[dekdog11]

The first song I wrote. It's called "odds and evens."
Constructive criticism would be nice, and not ass hole comments.
Thanks, and I appreciate the input.


I always liked when you wore that scarf
Shined a beautiful blue, just like your eyes
I would lose the feeling in my knees, a slight buckle
Made me fall to the pavement without a cry

I always liked doing things in even increments
You know, going by twos
That’s why I am having a hard time understanding
Why it can’t just be me and you

Sleeping has become a foreign concept to me
And when I do, you are all I see
That is why I wish to sleep for days, or maybe an eternity
Because that I can show you all that I can be
And you’ll realize why you need me

I always liked doing things in even increments
You know, going by twos
That’s why I am having a hard time understanding
Why it can’t just be me and you

Accepting defeat has always been tough for me
I always lost in a game of odds vs. evens
While the world was drawing evens, like two lovebirds in flight
I was drawing odds, flying solo, falling without wings
An eternal fall it was, with only you having the power to save me

I always liked doing things in even increments…
I always liked doing things in even increments…

[a speedo model]

it's okay. i bit cliche at times, i don't know, it's just nothing new. there some good lines, just keep working on it.

[dekdog11]

it's okay. i bit cliche at times, i don't know, it's just nothing new. there some good lines, just keep working on it.

thanks i appreciate it

[to kill this]

it's okay. i bit cliche at times, i don't know, it's just nothing new. there some good lines, just keep working on it.

yeah i agree.

[wyverna]

needs more work but has a lot of potential

[ImpulZe]

it's okay. i bit cliche at times, i don't know, it's just nothing new. there some good lines, just keep working on it.

wow it sucked to me buts thats imo, sorry truth hurts?

[spencersmithrox]

wow it sucked to me buts thats imo, sorry truth hurts?

UNCALLED FOR!!!! didnt you see the thing up top, no asswhole comments???

[spencersmithrox]

I liked it a lot and i think its fine the way it is.

[dekdog11]

yeah i agree.

thanks

[dekdog11]

needs more work but has a lot of potential

yea im gonna see what i can do to it, i apprecaite it

[dekdog11]

wow it sucked to me buts thats imo, sorry truth hurts?

right

[dekdog11]

I liked it a lot and i think its fine the way it is.

thank you, all comments are appreciated and positive comments are even better!

[lfdfforever]

i think its pretty decent, you could make it better though

[preppyak]

UNCALLED FOR!!!! didnt you see the thing up top, no asswhole comments???
haha, you have to be joking...clearly you've never seen this forum before...people get lit up for bad poetry...

this isn't bad...just like said before..nothing particularly noteworthy

[ImpulZe]

haha, you have to be joking...clearly you've never seen this forum before...people get lit up for bad poetry...

this isn't bad...just like said before..nothing particularly noteworthy

yeah really read Tates Pinned post on this page I just deciced to be that guy today. First off to me I think ti wasnt good, if I need to stretch that out into a paragraph I will.

I would lose the feeling in my knees, a slight buckle Dont think you really need that would sound better and rhyme better without it.

Why it can’t just be me and you I guess I am just using my own thought son this one because I seem to use that line a lot in my songs, so then when I read it it just sounds repetitive

Sleeping has become a foreign concept to me
And when I do, you are all I see Good Line

And also a bit too cliche for me, even though I have wrote some pretty cliche things.

there happy?

[ImpulZe]

UNCALLED FOR!!!! didnt you see the thing up top, no asswhole comments???

Didnt you see the thing at top of the page? Its called a post, that people like me are around. Man read some other topics people get torn apart on this board.

[ArTkY_]

thanks for the nice input, when i asked for it to be constructive and not asshole like, go listen to hawthorne heights, ill get back to you on how great their lyrics are.
What? I thought he was being nice...

[dekdog11]

yeah really read Tates Pinned post on this page I just deciced to be that guy today. First off to me I think ti wasnt good, if I need to stretch that out into a paragraph I will.

I would lose the feeling in my knees, a slight buckle Dont think you really need that would sound better and rhyme better without it.

Why it can’t just be me and you I guess I am just using my own thought son this one because I seem to use that line a lot in my songs, so then when I read it it just sounds repetitive

Sleeping has become a foreign concept to me
And when I do, you are all I see Good Line

And also a bit too cliche for me, even though I have wrote some pretty cliche things.

there happy?






thank you, i appreciate that more than your previous post :)

[dekdog11]

What? I thought he was being nice...

his first post...talks about it sucks and how the truth hurts

[ImpulZe]

What? I thought he was being nice...


lol nicer than what you would of said right?

[xllirikx]

Extremely generic.

The only line that stands out as not melting into emo song would be the final one. Its actually clever. The rest of the song has severly boring, un-inspired lyrics.

I do like that last line though.

And, your line "a foreign act...." - isn't that straight from a Dashboard song (.... and sleeping is a foreign act ...)

[dekdog11]

Extremely generic.

The only line that stands out as not melting into emo song would be the final one. Its actually clever. The rest of the song has severly boring, un-inspired lyrics.

I do like that last line though.

And, your line "a foreign act...." - isn't that straight from a Dashboard song (.... and sleeping is a foreign act ...)

nah...its not...but i see what you mean.
i think its sleeping si a foreign task though.
thanks for the input though man.

[ArTkY_]

lol nicer than what you would of said right?
You bet.