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lfdfforever
05/21/06, 07:56 PM
blurred and falling back into place
modern choices heal the hospitaled face
walking on the balance of talking miles
but never listeing to the meassge travled
in golden time

a pour of odd numbers keep surfacing even
this still doesn't fit, a copper wrist wants to fit
in the selvee but cold washed fabric tightes up
in mid problem, grouping chains fail to loosen
so rust has been set in slowly lived action
in years it will peel

in decades it will break
but it can't fix the real thing
in this faked choosing of choices

confused becomes the key word
with "go ahead say it smooth"
as our locked phrase, we've never
been burned but we did catch on fire

i swear i've never been better but this is me at my best

lfdfforever
05/22/06, 05:58 AM
comments please

ArTkY_
05/22/06, 07:00 AM
blurred and falling back into place
modern choices heal the hospitaled face
walking on the balance of talking miles
but never listeing to the meassge travled
in golden time

I don't like this part at all. It doesn't flow.

lfdfforever
05/22/06, 12:47 PM
blurred and falling back into place
modern choices heal the hospitaled face
walking on the balance of talking miles
but never listeing to the meassge travled
in golden time

I don't like this part at all. It doesn't flow. ok what about the rest

a speedo model
05/22/06, 02:14 PM
it's okay, a couple parts don't flow very well. but work on it, i can see this being really great with some work. keep it up.

lfdfforever
05/22/06, 04:37 PM
it's okay, a couple parts don't flow very well. but work on it, i can see this being really great with some work. keep it up. could you help me revise it?

spencersmithrox
05/22/06, 05:01 PM
I thought it was good. i would never be able to wright anything like it.

lfdfforever
05/22/06, 05:10 PM
I thought it was good. i would never be able to wright anything like it. thank you very much and if you pratice you could be writing songs as good as Geoff Rickly, ok maybe not that good but pretty good.

a speedo model
05/22/06, 05:53 PM
could you help me revise it?

i'd start with the beginning. you need to catch people's attention and really draw them in, but also stay true to the story you're telling and not just say big words that really have no bearing. you also want it to flow. i don't know, i'm not sure how much help i can be. i think the end is good, it stands strong and is interesting. i'd suggest you try and expand on it. if you have anything you want me to look at and comment on send me a PM and i'll look at it for you. good luck.

spencersmithrox
05/22/06, 06:09 PM
AWWWW thank you!!!

dekdog11
05/22/06, 06:46 PM
i like it, thursday-esque

lfdfforever
05/22/06, 07:09 PM
i like it, thursday-esque thanks man