Juniper Skies
10/21/09, 08:44 AM
So off the bat I want to thank whomever bothers to read this for their time. So I don't mind sarcastic remarks as long as I can reach someone with good advice. I'm not trying to get my sob story out there for pity, just so I can finally relax, get things out so I don't implode, and not feel so alone.
So first off, I don't really have a sense of family with my own. This is the result of physical abuse instead of normal grounding and bad communication. When I was younger I don't think there was a single day I didn't get the shit hit out of me. My dad stayed out of it or wasn't even aware but things got eventually better.
Secondly my family owns a convenience store and have owned one all throughout my life. Haha to Asian Stereotypes.
Thirdly, I am at lost at being able to communicate with my mom. Her English is horrible and I lost my memory on most of my Korean. Thus we can't get things across to each other. Sort've seems impossible but it's true. I can't even say "I love you" properly to her. Though sometimes I don't understand why I do because of the past but I guess you'll always have a tiny space for your family always.
And finally, my dad. He was my hero when I was younger. I think he was to both me and the rest of my family. He was so nice, had a great laugh, and I actually could understand him. I wanted to go to the Olympics and such so I could fulfill his dreams which became mine but I digress. I'm just trying to say he was my pillar. And it's why it's so hard to accept all that's happened.
But then things sort've started to get wonky 7 years back, I think in grade 6, we didn't know it nor was I old enough to know the diagnosis but I figure he had Schizophrenia. He had illusions of speaking to 'God' and at one point kicked my mom out of our house and cut her out of family pictures and stating he had a new girlfriend out east. We tried to keep things discreet since like most families we wanted to portray ourselves as normal. When she took my brother to Korea during Thanksgiving one year, she came back with all her family heirloom jewelry from her (then) recently deceased mother thrown out and half her possessions gone. He stated he was just giving to the poor. And my mom through tears accepted that. Since she was helplessly in love with him. But things went really bad when he kicked her out another time but this time he also dragged my little brother around town waving around a baseball bat. The latter incident resulted in a neighbor calling the cops on him.
He went to a clinic to get treated and my memory is fuzzy and I think my mom lied so he could get out. Even after all she went through, she still loved him. I was young back then.
Because of the incident, my area decided to talk and so we sold our store from the suburbia, lived on little funds for a while and then bought another store in a rural city.
Things were okay but I started really distancing myself from my family since they started acting like a cult and going along with my father's wishes. I just spent most of my days, even weeks just hopping from one friend's house to another without letting anyone know. Basic cleaning, feeding, and laundry were ignored. I often had to wear the same clothes and dare not to get a stain on them, if so I had to wash them with soap in my sink and dry them in my room.
Life was weirdly adjusted... it was November and I was in grade 10. I was psyched that I was going on a trip to New York after working my butt off during the summer to pay for it. The morning of, my dad and our family van disappeared. He had a cell, a credit card, and some cash. Frantic we tried to reach his phone. But alas we couldn't so stupidly, I called my best friend who was also going and she came across two towns to pick me up. It was a three day trip and I wasn't able to afford to call my mom during the trip. I kept my situation quiet and even my friend who picked me up didn't even know the whole story. I hoped that when I came back, he would be too. But he wasn't.
We called the cops the day after I came home and they were puzzled why we hadn't called earlier. My mom couldn't since she can't speak english and also, I think she just didn't want to believe it. We had a formal investigation when they found our van. It was 5-6hours north of where we were and he had left all his possessions in the car. He had only spent $40 on gas and that was it. We couldn't find him and search teams consisting of the police force up there and our family failed miserably. It was a cold winter and we heard no word of him. Whenever I saw it was a cold night I desperately just hoped he was alive and warm. I didn't care I felt rejection and desertion.
Months went by. We had some people help us out at the store. I missed a lot of school yet surprisingly passed my courses.
In April we got the call saying they had found him.
He was found washed ashore and a fisherman found him.
He was so bloated and eaten by fish, they had to use dental records and we identified him by the possessions he was wearing. He had he's wedding band. There was the assumption of suicide with no signs of foul play.
Thankfully I had met a great guy around then and we had been dating for a few short months. He surprisingly took it well when I told him what happened.
We had a funeral soon after.
It seems like this would be the end but my mother still isn't the same.
She is stricken with anxiety and is quick tempered again.
She's had to have relationships with two men so far just so she could keep the store running. With her language barrier and little education, if we gave up the store, we'd be out on the streets.
The first guy was a huge dud. He left after a while.
My mom was depressed when she met a great guy. They got along, he moved in. My brother had a huge emotional attachment to him since he was now able to comprehend the situation and recognize his need for a father figure. It was great. The business wasn't good, but it really never was. But it didn't matter. He was recently divorced and 58. My mom is 51. His adult children and extended family accepted us and I actually thought we became a family and even I reluctantly accepted him after he proposed and such.
But the grandeur faded and once he saw her inability to control the situation, he started to revert. He was used to a more luxurious life style and didn't like having to work long hours at the store. He'd work 5 while she work 9. He'd complain he was tired and just used our money and home.
And last night he took our car and pack a few belongings and left.
I had a panic attack as my feelings of rejection and desertion arose again.
He came back this morning to pick up more of his belongings.
I couldn't even look at him without feeling disgusted.
I am in the situation again where my mom needs help.
The question is, should I drop out of university and help her out? There is no way I can assist her when I am a full time student. And she has burned all her bridges where people help us out. I doubt I'll see another man enter our home anytime soon. She is working 15 hour days with little food or sleep.
So first off, I don't really have a sense of family with my own. This is the result of physical abuse instead of normal grounding and bad communication. When I was younger I don't think there was a single day I didn't get the shit hit out of me. My dad stayed out of it or wasn't even aware but things got eventually better.
Secondly my family owns a convenience store and have owned one all throughout my life. Haha to Asian Stereotypes.
Thirdly, I am at lost at being able to communicate with my mom. Her English is horrible and I lost my memory on most of my Korean. Thus we can't get things across to each other. Sort've seems impossible but it's true. I can't even say "I love you" properly to her. Though sometimes I don't understand why I do because of the past but I guess you'll always have a tiny space for your family always.
And finally, my dad. He was my hero when I was younger. I think he was to both me and the rest of my family. He was so nice, had a great laugh, and I actually could understand him. I wanted to go to the Olympics and such so I could fulfill his dreams which became mine but I digress. I'm just trying to say he was my pillar. And it's why it's so hard to accept all that's happened.
But then things sort've started to get wonky 7 years back, I think in grade 6, we didn't know it nor was I old enough to know the diagnosis but I figure he had Schizophrenia. He had illusions of speaking to 'God' and at one point kicked my mom out of our house and cut her out of family pictures and stating he had a new girlfriend out east. We tried to keep things discreet since like most families we wanted to portray ourselves as normal. When she took my brother to Korea during Thanksgiving one year, she came back with all her family heirloom jewelry from her (then) recently deceased mother thrown out and half her possessions gone. He stated he was just giving to the poor. And my mom through tears accepted that. Since she was helplessly in love with him. But things went really bad when he kicked her out another time but this time he also dragged my little brother around town waving around a baseball bat. The latter incident resulted in a neighbor calling the cops on him.
He went to a clinic to get treated and my memory is fuzzy and I think my mom lied so he could get out. Even after all she went through, she still loved him. I was young back then.
Because of the incident, my area decided to talk and so we sold our store from the suburbia, lived on little funds for a while and then bought another store in a rural city.
Things were okay but I started really distancing myself from my family since they started acting like a cult and going along with my father's wishes. I just spent most of my days, even weeks just hopping from one friend's house to another without letting anyone know. Basic cleaning, feeding, and laundry were ignored. I often had to wear the same clothes and dare not to get a stain on them, if so I had to wash them with soap in my sink and dry them in my room.
Life was weirdly adjusted... it was November and I was in grade 10. I was psyched that I was going on a trip to New York after working my butt off during the summer to pay for it. The morning of, my dad and our family van disappeared. He had a cell, a credit card, and some cash. Frantic we tried to reach his phone. But alas we couldn't so stupidly, I called my best friend who was also going and she came across two towns to pick me up. It was a three day trip and I wasn't able to afford to call my mom during the trip. I kept my situation quiet and even my friend who picked me up didn't even know the whole story. I hoped that when I came back, he would be too. But he wasn't.
We called the cops the day after I came home and they were puzzled why we hadn't called earlier. My mom couldn't since she can't speak english and also, I think she just didn't want to believe it. We had a formal investigation when they found our van. It was 5-6hours north of where we were and he had left all his possessions in the car. He had only spent $40 on gas and that was it. We couldn't find him and search teams consisting of the police force up there and our family failed miserably. It was a cold winter and we heard no word of him. Whenever I saw it was a cold night I desperately just hoped he was alive and warm. I didn't care I felt rejection and desertion.
Months went by. We had some people help us out at the store. I missed a lot of school yet surprisingly passed my courses.
In April we got the call saying they had found him.
He was found washed ashore and a fisherman found him.
He was so bloated and eaten by fish, they had to use dental records and we identified him by the possessions he was wearing. He had he's wedding band. There was the assumption of suicide with no signs of foul play.
Thankfully I had met a great guy around then and we had been dating for a few short months. He surprisingly took it well when I told him what happened.
We had a funeral soon after.
It seems like this would be the end but my mother still isn't the same.
She is stricken with anxiety and is quick tempered again.
She's had to have relationships with two men so far just so she could keep the store running. With her language barrier and little education, if we gave up the store, we'd be out on the streets.
The first guy was a huge dud. He left after a while.
My mom was depressed when she met a great guy. They got along, he moved in. My brother had a huge emotional attachment to him since he was now able to comprehend the situation and recognize his need for a father figure. It was great. The business wasn't good, but it really never was. But it didn't matter. He was recently divorced and 58. My mom is 51. His adult children and extended family accepted us and I actually thought we became a family and even I reluctantly accepted him after he proposed and such.
But the grandeur faded and once he saw her inability to control the situation, he started to revert. He was used to a more luxurious life style and didn't like having to work long hours at the store. He'd work 5 while she work 9. He'd complain he was tired and just used our money and home.
And last night he took our car and pack a few belongings and left.
I had a panic attack as my feelings of rejection and desertion arose again.
He came back this morning to pick up more of his belongings.
I couldn't even look at him without feeling disgusted.
I am in the situation again where my mom needs help.
The question is, should I drop out of university and help her out? There is no way I can assist her when I am a full time student. And she has burned all her bridges where people help us out. I doubt I'll see another man enter our home anytime soon. She is working 15 hour days with little food or sleep.