Artie Dimmesdale

[Matt Chylak]

slow song.

Artie Dimmesdale

Won't you take a second look around
From that time you're spending on your knees?
Choke a whisper through the outer aisle
Fur-worn stoles as dead as leaves.

"Taste and see" they sing. Well, I can't see.

Have you learned where and what you are?
Have you learned what you're gonna be?
Breaking bread like a mystic's chains
You're bound tight to eternity,
Letting go of reality.

And now I've got time on my mind.
You open the windows, I'm closing the blinds.
And I've got nothing to hide
But still I'm here shaking and breaking inside.

Well, I might not be better than any of you.
I don't have a purpose and I substitute a flock
Swept in the night for one huddled 'round the fire,
Crowding the cavern walls as the flames reach higher.

And I don't know what to choose.
At least you've got company, while I've just got nothing lose.

And now I've got time on my mind.
You open the windows, I'm closing the blinds.
And I've got nothing to hide
But still I'm here shaking and breaking inside.
And I've got time on my mind.
You open the windows, I'm closing the blinds.
And I thought I had nothing to hide
So why am I shaking and breaking inside?

[Barthelme_fan]

pretty good, a little too many cliches, but the contradictory closing blinds/ nothing to hide is nice

[Barthelme_fan]

i take that back there's only like two cliches

[GhostMachine]

I like this piece a lot. I don't see anything that needs to be changed at all. The flow is great and the whole idea of the piece is conveyed very smoothly and without much effort. Good job.

[Matt Chylak]

i take that back there's only like two cliches

what were they?

[Barthelme_fan]

The lake of fire allusion is seen a lot, it's not that it's bad or anything, it's just it's a well-known phrase of words
Second, take a second look is sort of a cliche, but not as much as lake of fire

I agree though with Ghost Machine it's a nice song overall

[Matt Chylak]

ah. yeah i was going for a campfire/togetherness vibe that didn't really come through at all with that lake of fire line

[Barthelme_fan]

I see, then maybe give a similar phrase with the same beats
Like instead of" Swept in the night for one huddled round a lake of fire"
you might use:
"Swept in the night for one, muttered out what am I?" or something
I don't know, it's your lyrics so whatever works for you

[Matt Chylak]

thanks for the critique everybody. it's sort of slow in this message board but y'all seem like nice people

[Matt Chylak]

bumped so Idealist 80 can tell me how bad it is

[Matt Chylak]

so idk if you're depressed or just a douche bag, every single post ive seen from you is negative and unecessary, U should probably be the one who needs to leave, you dont even post lyrics , so untill then, stfu

see above

[townie88]

i like it

[I'mAGetUpKid]

I enjoyed it. I like the beginning more than the end. I like that you enjoy rhyming, but I haven't seen any free-verse from you (yet?). You have a decent word configuration that I feel becomes restricted due to the fact that you're involving a rhyme scheme.

[Matt Chylak]

I enjoyed it. I like the beginning more than the end. I like that you enjoy rhyming, but I haven't seen any free-verse from you (yet?). You have a decent word configuration that I feel becomes restricted due to the fact that you're involving a rhyme scheme.

well, i am writing songs. it makes me uncomfortable to write songs that don't rhyme, because i feel weird singing lines that don't rhyme