Save The Sentiments (looking for feedback/constructive criticism)

[lostfear]

Words speak louder than actions
When they are the right ones
All idea’s are losing traction
My failures in syndicated re runs

Everybody’s phrases are hinting towards something
Pay attention to silence not shout
And what the person said doesn’t matter
It’s what they left out

With you I fail to articulate
So I leave it to my writing
My dear, everyone looks pretty
In the right lighting

Love is like war
It doesn’t matter who’s right
It only matters who’s left
Who’s still standing? (are we still standing)

I’m losing grasp on what’s fair
and what is good
To quote Oscar Wilde
“Women are meant to loved
Not understood”

With you I fail to articulate
So I leave it to my writing
My dear, everyone looks pretty
In the right lighting

Save the sentiments
for post secret
hold that confession
you can keep it

I don’t want to hear
about your problems
you act as if I’m the only one
that can solve them

With you I fail to articulate
So I leave it to my writing
My dear, everyone looks pretty
In the right lighting
If anyone wants to hear an acoustic demo of it, I’d be happy to share it, that is If you’d like to hear it. What do you guys think??

[The Indigo]

I like the take you have on the "actions speak louder than words" saying. The ends of all your stanzas are strong, but I'd like to see a beginning that had the same impact. Maybe carry over an idea from one stanza to the next instead of each stanza starting a new idea: it would have more shock value if there were a few strong beginnings. I don't think you need to say "to quote Oscar Wilde," just use the quotes around the next part and don't italicize it. It distracts too much from the meaning you're trying to give off. Perhaps just cite him in footnotes if you really want. Try to put some punctuation in, it'll really help the reader read the poem the way you want the pauses placed and makes it easier to understand.

Ex.
Everybody’s phrases are hinting towards something;
Pay attention to silence, not shout.
And what the person said doesn’t matter,
It’s what they left out.

Also, I think the last two paragraphs (not the chorus) aren't as strong as the rest: they're very straightforward. Maybe try to put a similie or metaphor in there somewhere, give the listener something to think about. I kind of like the reference to Post Secret, but not really: it's a nice idea, but it makes the song have a sort of time-period. Like, it isn't timeless, the same when people mention texting in songs: when Post Secret becomes outdated, the song won't have as much of an impact. Then again, it's a good way to document time passage.

[lostfear]

I like the take you have on the "actions speak louder than words" saying. The ends of all your stanzas are strong, but I'd like to see a beginning that had the same impact. Maybe carry over an idea from one stanza to the next instead of each stanza starting a new idea: it would have more shock value if there were a few strong beginnings. I don't think you need to say "to quote Oscar Wilde," just use the quotes around the next part and don't italicize it. It distracts too much from the meaning you're trying to give off. Perhaps just cite him in footnotes if you really want. Try to put some punctuation in, it'll really help the reader read the poem the way you want the pauses placed and makes it easier to understand.

Ex.
Everybody’s phrases are hinting towards something;
Pay attention to silence, not shout.
And what the person said doesn’t matter,
It’s what they left out.

Also, I think the last two paragraphs (not the chorus) aren't as strong as the rest: they're very straightforward. Maybe try to put a similie or metaphor in there somewhere, give the listener something to think about. I kind of like the reference to Post Secret, but not really: it's a nice idea, but it makes the song have a sort of time-period. Like, it isn't timeless, the same when people mention texting in songs: when Post Secret becomes outdated, the song won't have as much of an impact. Then again, it's a good way to document time passage.

wow, thank you, I'll respond to this later. I appreciate the depth you used.

[Idealist80]

Words speak louder than actions
When they are the right ones
All idea’s are losing traction
My failures in syndicated re runs

Everybody’s phrases are hinting towards something
Pay attention to silence not shout
And what the person said doesn’t matter
It’s what they left out

With you I fail to articulate
So I leave it to my writing
My dear, everyone looks pretty
In the right lighting

Love is like war
It doesn’t matter who’s right
It only matters who’s left
Who’s still standing? (are we still standing)

I’m losing grasp on what’s fair
and what is good
To quote Oscar Wilde
“Women are meant to loved
Not understood”

With you I fail to articulate
So I leave it to my writing
My dear, everyone looks pretty
In the right lighting

Save the sentiments
for post secret
hold that confession
you can keep it

I don’t want to hear
about your problems
you act as if I’m the only one
that can solve them

With you I fail to articulate
So I leave it to my writing
My dear, everyone looks pretty
In the right lighting
If anyone wants to hear an acoustic demo of it, I’d be happy to share it, that is If you’d like to hear it. What do you guys think??


after reading the first line I thought to myself this is going to be lame, but as i kept reading it only got better... I really like your love is like war metaphor... and I would like to hear the acoustic if possible.

[lostfear]

after reading the first line I thought to myself this is going to be lame, but as i kept reading it only got better... I really like your love is like war metaphor... and I would like to hear the acoustic if possible.

Thanks man! I appreciate the compliment. I'll link you to the demo.

[lostfear]

after reading the first line I thought to myself this is going to be lame, but as i kept reading it only got better... I really like your love is like war metaphor... and I would like to hear the acoustic if possible.

hey sorry for the delay, here's a link to the demo of the song and a couple of my other songs. I'm not THE best singer, but I think I'm average, so hopefully it doesn't deter you. hope you like it! -Jake


http://www.purevolume.com/thecollegedemos

[Jabble524]

This was really good. You established a theme at the beginning and continued to build on it throughout the poem, while making the reader think about each piece. I am also a big Oscar Wilde fan so you got me there. Truly great job.

[lostfear]

This was really good. You established a theme at the beginning and continued to build on it throughout the poem, while making the reader think about each piece. I am also a big Oscar Wilde fan so you got me there. Truly great job.

thank you man! I appreciate it! I posted a link to the demo of the song. if you'd be so inclined to check it out.