My First Attempts at Songwriting

[DanPiazza]

I have written three songs, wanna tell me what you guys think?
You can listen to all three at http://www.myspace.com/danpiazzamusic
(I'm going to re-record Wicked with a better mic, if you were wondering about the awful sound quality...)

Wicked

life has put us through it's wicked ways
for the last time; it should pay for these crimes
beneath this dust, lies my broken trust
in you; oh darling, you don't have a clue

we're all up against this
but it convolutes my mind
with these thoughts of discontent
my concience has been bent
i might as well be blind

so i tried to better the world
and i took this ink to that page
yet they just jeer and laugh
the congregation's behalf
when i stand on this stage

life has put us through it's wicked ways
for the last time; it should pay for these crimes
beneath this dust, lies my broken trust
in you; oh darling, you don't have a clue

i glance at strangers
just another face in the crowd
but with quiet stares
they never care;
they are too proud

we all live this
ignorant joy
where seeing is believing
without thought or meaning
i did not grow from that boy

life has put us through it's wicked ways
for the last time; it should pay for these crimes
beneath this dust, lies my broken trust
in you; oh darling, you don't have a clue

life has put us through it's wicked ways
for the last time; it should pay for these crimes
beneath this dust, lies my broken trust
in you; oh darling, you don't have a clue

Stitches

with a destination like this fate unknown
how could you blame me for the words to be sown
from my needle like tongue and my honest surprise
to your ears that were fabricated just like lies

if empty bottles are my conscience and the fridge is bare
then you can find me laying here under your cold dark stare

where we used to laugh with joy but now we only find tears
darling, you never understood my biggest fears

where we used to laugh with joy but now we only find tears
oh darling, you never understood my biggest fears

regrets are an awful waste to stitch that wound shut
though i'd never admit to it, you aren't to blame for these cuts
i've never even let that thought come near my skin
yet the gashes that it left are my greatest sins

these restless nights
like a deep blue sea
i shake and stir
you can rescue me

so together,
we'll survive this
in this sinking ship

so together,
be my lighthouse
when i'm lost out at sea

regrets are an awful thing to stitch the wound shut
though i'd never admit to it, you aren't to blame for these cuts
i've never even let that thought come near my skin
yet the gashes that it left on my insides, are my greatest sins

regrets are an awful thing to stitch the wound shut
though i'd never admit to it, you aren't to blame for these cuts
i've never even let that thought come near my skin
yet the gashes that it left, are my greatest sins

i've never even let that thought come near my skin
yet the gashes that it left, are my greatest sins

Grief


it's early sunday morning
and in this golden glow
i'm always, feeling so
left behind with my conscience in tow
and a fragile mind where
these thoughts will flow


in this fucked situation
where the grass always grows
much greener it seems
in places you can't go
i wish i'd get her out of my head
but it seems i'm destined to be alone instead


love will always be nothing more to me
than just an awkward first kiss

and the time spent with this whore
is just a metaphor
for how we're all gonna die one day

and when i die, i will apologize
for i am a fate worse than hell

if only you had a view so you could tell
me what it's like


and resting on the mantle in my living room
lies another conversation
that we don't want, but have to
and the air is getting thinner
like my trust in you
as if it was all a fabrication
perfectly produced by you

so now i doubt
and wander
through all of the trees
and i find it kind of funny
and sad, in the ways you can be
and now i laugh, cause' i know
i'll never be like that!


love will always be nothing more to me
than just an awkward first kiss

and the time spent with this whore
is just a metaphor
for how we're all gonna die one day

and when i die, i will apologize
for i am a fate worse than hell

if only you had a view so you could tell
me what it's like

[Deadbolt23]

I think for the main part, this is really good. Especially for the first time.
Obviously, it's subjective but I'm gonna tell you which bits I really like, and which bits I'm not so keen on.

Like:

and i took this ink to that page
yet they just jeer and laugh

though i'd never admit to it, you aren't to blame for these cuts
i've never even let that thought come near my skin
yet the gashes that it left, are my greatest sins

where the grass always grows
much greener it seems
in places you can't go


love will always be nothing more to me
than just an awkward first kiss

and resting on the mantle in my living room
lies another conversation

Don't like so much:

be my lighthouse
when i'm lost out at sea

and the time spent with this whore

and now i laugh, cause' i know
i'll never be like that!


So more good than bad, definitely a good sign. My biggest advice would be to listen to others. I know when you've written a song, and people tell you they don't like a line or two, it's so easy to ignore them, or say they don't understand it. Just try and step away from being the creator, andlook at it from an audiences perspective. And if you still like the line, then keep it in. After all, it's your writing style, and your lyrics. Keep up the good work, man.

[Barthelme_fan]

Good overall, but sometimes multiple verses can complicate things if you don't have a clear flow or transition between ideas, but definitely keep writing

[DanPiazza]

thanks guys!

[DanPiazza]

i don't really like these songs on second thought....bleh

[Jabble524]

To be completely honest I thought that Stitches was great, but the others were not good.