PDA

View Full Version : My favorite peice I've written...


crimsonsleeves
11/23/09, 06:45 AM
post thoughts, criticism, or even praise... i have a lot more so if this is worth it, i'll post more.


how so abruptly he has come to notice
that the mercury has fallen everywhere
it's a distinct chill within the column
of when he thinks it's his time to perish
from all of her grey and her central clock
it's the carbon he's so lost in now
the gears aren't turning like he needs them to
they now live in a life of lightning and ghosts
where the lions have total acquisition of the storm
giving both of them no reason to believe that
if they look below this constructed dimension
of the worlds most fragile iron and lead
a piece of vulcans work might still remain
and with just enough from the chimes creator
it could expose what has been concealed
from the eyes that need to be alive
and that they can relive the ambition
to become their wraith of being a solitaire diamond

Deadbolt23
11/25/09, 12:18 AM
How so abruptly...

Shouldn't this be How abruptly..or So abruptly..

I'm probably wrong. It's pretty early, and I just can't get my head round it.

LikeSwingSets
11/28/09, 03:44 AM
How so abruptly...

Shouldn't this be How abruptly..or So abruptly..

I'm probably wrong. It's pretty early, and I just can't get my head round it.

you are wrong :)
if you pronounce it diff it makes sense.

he's talking about how he did it SO abruptly, it's an exaggeration i spose, not just an extra word added in :)

but then it's 11 45 and my body thinks it's about 7 so i feel a little funny myself :)

Franklindc
11/28/09, 03:07 PM
really like it, creates a nice bit of dark desperate imagery.

La La Lie
11/28/09, 07:20 PM
I really do like it, I like the spacing of your lines, if I read it correctly in my head :)
the only thing, is the last line, I'm not sure I like the wording too much, something seems off when I read it.

InMediasRes
11/28/09, 08:18 PM
its dark and almost gritty

crimsonsleeves
11/30/09, 12:39 PM
thanks for the input everyone :)

crimsonsleeves
11/30/09, 12:56 PM
I really do like it, I like the spacing of your lines, if I read it correctly in my head :)
the only thing, is the last line, I'm not sure I like the wording too much, something seems off when I read it.


thanks...

well, i don't know how to explain it unless i just decipher it... so here it goes for the last line...

'to become their wraith' is like when they want something so much, that the will and the drive takes over and it's all that you are. you become the ambition. and 'of being a solitaire diamond' would be the goal they want to reach which is to become a single entity, together forever...

jeff crawford
12/02/09, 12:49 AM
Sucks Dick

Matt Chylak
12/02/09, 07:19 PM
work on your grammar, but this isn't the worst PIECE in the thread unfortunately

crimsonsleeves
12/03/09, 06:12 PM
work on your grammar, but this isn't the worst PIECE in the thread unfortunately


just a typo, pal.

Idealist80
12/04/09, 12:48 AM
I can't appreciate something that doesnt rhyme at all