Worst Sexual Encounter

[matt_rawlings]

Whether or not it happened doing stuff with someone or anything remotely sexual, what is your worst secual encounter?

[kidinthecorner]

Haha I've told this story about 30 times already, but I was mid-sexing with this girl on a fouton in the basement of this other girl's house. The girl whose house it was told her dad that just the girl I was sexing was staying over, not me, so first of all, we had to sneak from the bedroom upstairs to the basement downstairs without the dad noticing.

Second, the dad is wheelchair-ridden after a bad stroke a few years ago.

So anyway, it's going on, and all of a sudden, we hear a huge crash, a few seconds delay, and then "Colleeeeeeeen! CoLEEEEEEEEEEEEEN! HELP! HEEEEEEEEEEEELP!"

But Colleen is all the way upstairs with music playing as she falls asleep, and an air conditioner going to add more noise. So me and the other girl are down in the basement, I stop, and she looks at me and goes "what to we do?" I, sadly, said "you gotta go help him, I'm not supposed to be here.." So she scrambles to get her clothes on, then goes sprinting up to get colleen, then helps the dad, and 911 is called, police show up, an ambulance comes.. it was a nightmare, and the entire time, I'm trapped in the basement with no communication to the outside world.

Worst interruption ever.

[matt_rawlings]

BWahahaa you told me that yesturday and it is still genius

[shes soo lovely]

theres nothing worse then mine....i dont think anyone can top..farting when their bf is the middle of fingering you

we had to stop just to laugh and hes never let me live it down yet

[Kram41]

theres nothing worse then mine....i dont think anyone can top..farting when their bf is the middle of fingering you

we had to stop just to laugh and hes never let me live it down yet

Hahaha...that's funny.

[matt_rawlings]

theres nothing worse then mine....i dont think anyone can top..farting when their bf is the middle of fingering you

we had to stop just to laugh and hes never let me live it down yet

Excuse me while I puke...

Was it an ass fart or a qweef?

[Spicoli hey bud]

theres nothing worse then mine....i dont think anyone can top..farting when their bf is the middle of fingering you

we had to stop just to laugh and hes never let me live it down yet
hopefully there was no stinkfingering going on at the time.

[Freud]

ugh. i was hitting it doggystyle one time and all of a sudden i smelled something. real bad. thats all ill say.

[allelish]

theres nothing worse then mine....i dont think anyone can top..farting when their bf is the middle of fingering you

we had to stop just to laugh and hes never let me live it down yet
fuck, control yourself, bitch.

[shes soo lovely]

hahahah its so funny because we hadnt been together long and i always told him girls dont fart they fluff (thats what my mom always told me)... but this was a fart lol ( no smell)

i didnt even feel like i had gas or anything it was so embarrassing and he didnt even really notice at first and then i said OMG! and he was like THAT WAS REAL! lol ya funny stuff
...and no stinkfingering...thats for sunday after church lol jk

[nobodysmonkey]

Queefing is just akward. Some take it as a sign of accomplishment.

[ghostyouare]

I was in mexico and I was drunker than I have ever been before. I was still able to walk, but not that well. I went to the bar to grab my groups drink and then there was this whore. She grab my balls and started hushing me and I was really drunk and I didn't know how to react so i just grabbed her hand and squeezed it and moved it away.

[bobbo8]

I might win.
After finishing up i wrapped the condom in tissues and just tossed it onto my jeans on the floor. Me and the girl fall asleep and when i wake up the condom is gone. I thought i just threw it away before we slept. Im out with this girl later and i get a call from my mome. "Oh ya, another thing. When you finish up, find a better place for your condoms, the dog just threw it up." One of the funniest things to ever happen to me.

[matt_rawlings]

I was about to fuck a girl at a festival last year. We were fooling around in my tent, both wasted beyond belief.

So, she takes her top off and we start getting down to business. Then, she suddenly says she going to be sick, so runs out of my tent, topless and proceeds to vomit all over my tent. She then came back into my tent to carry on, but I was like "ummm...no, the vomit kind of robbed me of my boner".

So she started crying and then left my tent, only to start throwing up again. There is nothing worse than a crying, vomiting girl.

Sucks though cause she was so hot

[matt_rawlings]

I might win.
After finishing up i wrapped the condom in tissues and just tossed it onto my jeans on the floor. Me and the girl fall asleep and when i wake up the condom is gone. I thought i just threw it away before we slept. Im out with this girl later and i get a call from my mome. "Oh ya, another thing. When you finish up, find a better place for your condoms, the dog just threw it up." One of the funniest things to ever happen to me.

Awww dude

[roxy]

I was about to fuck a girl at a festival last year. We were fooling around in my tent, both wasted beyond belief.

So, she takes her top off and we start getting down to business. Then, she suddenly says she going to be sick, so runs out of my tent, topless and proceeds to vomit all over my tent. She then came back into my tent to carry on, but I was like "ummm...no, the vomit kind of robbed me of my boner".

So she started crying and then left my tent, only to start throwing up again. There is nothing worse than a crying, vomiting girl.

Sucks though cause she was so hot
Just be glad she made it out of the tent.

[matt_rawlings]

Just be glad she made it out of the tent.

Dear lord am I glad of that. I burnt the tent at the end of the weekend and it was glorious

[Broken Parachute]

I was screwing this girl so hard. She was so nice and we were doing it so hardcore. So she goes now jizz on my face. I take it out and turn her around I'm about to jizz on her face. here it comes. BAM!!

I wake up and my sheets are soaked.

[matt_rawlings]

I was screwing this girl so hard. She was so nice and we were doing it so hardcore. So she goes now jizz on my face. I take it out and turn her around I'm about to jizz on her face. here it comes. BAM!!

I wake up and my sheets are soaked.

Why with the change of nameage?

[dashboard1190]

theres nothing worse then mine....i dont think anyone can top..farting when their bf is the middle of fingering you

we had to stop just to laugh and hes never let me live it down yet

Haha that seriously made me chuckle and my mom went "What's so funny" and I told her "oh, nothing."

[dashboard1190]

Why with the change of nameage?

It's the cool thing to do apparently.

You're name change should be: I_LOVE_DORITOS or something to that extent.

[i like guitars]

I was screwing this girl so hard. She was so nice and we were doing it so hardcore. So she goes now jizz on my face. I take it out and turn her around I'm about to jizz on her face. here it comes. BAM!!

I wake up and my sheets are soaked.


damn i havent had a wet dream in a few years.

[matt_rawlings]

It's the cool thing to do apparently.

You're name change should be: I_LOVE_DORITOS or something to that extent.

Nah, I like having my name as my own name. Makes me feel staff like...or god-like!

[matt_rawlings]

damn i havent had a wet dream in a few years.

Never in my life have I had a wet dream

[i like guitars]

Never in my life have I had a wet dream

thats because you keep the gun unloaded

[Greg]

i've never had a wet dream

[dashboard1190]

Never in my life have I had a wet dream

Me either.

[Paul Tao]

My worst sexual encounter came when, afterwards...

"Wait, you didn't use a condom, did you?"
"No, why? You're on the pill."
"No, I'm not."
"...Shit."

[sweethypocrisy]

My worst sexual encounter came when, afterwards...

"Wait, you didn't use a condom, did you?"
"No, why? You're on the pill."
"No, I'm not."
"...Shit." www.paul.justgotowned.com

[marrost]

Worst?

Drunk at school went to eat this girl out and almost puked on her she smelled so bad. So I just pretended with my finger for a minute before sticking it in. She later complimented me on the oral. I could smell that shit for days.

Another time, fucking my girlfriend in her living room, her dog comes up and starts sniffing at my ass and licking my cheeks and shit. This one wasn't so bad...

There's more. I can't remember them all.

[crit]

I'm surprised no one's said "Slade's Mom" yet

[swirlofhues]

I'm surprised no one's said "Slade's Mom" yet

nah, i hit that shit good

[Coronary Parasite]

this thread makes me very happy about all of my sexual encounters now. thank you all.

i can think of two but they really aren't that bad...

my ex and i had pretty much just started having sex and we decided to really go for a marathon session for the first time, so we're going at it hardcore and my grandfather knocks on the door to say goodbye since he was going home. i managed to say goodbye, and we kept having sex.

and then there was one time when he was sitting in my desk chair (which is right next to my door) and i decided to surprise him with a blow job, which was going fine until my father was right outside my door talking to my mom who was in the next room. yeah, needless to say, the moment was ruined.

[FreshyFresh23]

Worst?

Drunk at school went to eat this girl out and almost puked on her she smelled so bad. So I just pretended with my finger for a minute before sticking it in. She later complimented me on the oral. I could smell that shit for days.

Another time, fucking my girlfriend in her living room, her dog comes up and starts sniffing at my ass and licking my cheeks and shit. This one wasn't so bad...

There's more. I can't remember them all.


oh fuckin hell that sounds sooo god damn terrible. Rank ass vagina is one of the worst things on earth

[FreshyFresh23]

lets see.. i got a few bad ones.


Alright.. this sounds like im making it up (because typing it out it sounds so weird haha) but this hot girl i met on a cruise in the meditterranean is visiting my house for a week or two a couple summers ago and my parents have her staying in my roomand me staying in the guest bedroom. They leave us to our own basically, so i sneak into her room everynight of course and we go at it. Well one night we just got done having sex for a long time and i notice my dog walks in the room. Its about 6 am. I think oh shit, my dogs follow my mom around so i quickly get out of bed and im standing there in my shirt and my boxers and my mom comes in seconds later and so this girl luckily got her shirt on and is sitting there with the covers pulled up. My mom asks why i have no pants/shorts on and i tell her i was in the room to get a new pair of shorts. She seems to buy it, and i sigh in relief inside until, suddenly she yanks the sheets down and sees that the girl has no underwear on and is naked from the waist down. The girl says, very meekly, that she sleeps in the nude. My mom points to a huge wet spot on the bed, and says "nice try."

i wanted to die.

[Kram41]

I might win.
After finishing up i wrapped the condom in tissues and just tossed it onto my jeans on the floor. Me and the girl fall asleep and when i wake up the condom is gone. I thought i just threw it away before we slept. Im out with this girl later and i get a call from my mome. "Oh ya, another thing. When you finish up, find a better place for your condoms, the dog just threw it up." One of the funniest things to ever happen to me.

That's amazing.

[Clarett'sGreyGoose]

lets see.. i got a few bad ones.


Alright.. this sounds like im making it up (because typing it out it sounds so weird haha) but this hot girl i met on a cruise in the meditterranean is visiting my house for a week or two a couple summers ago and my parents have her staying in my roomand me staying in the guest bedroom. They leave us to our own basically, so i sneak into her room everynight of course and we go at it. Well one night we just got done having sex for a long time and i notice my dog walks in the room. Its about 6 am. I think oh shit, my dogs follow my mom around so i quickly get out of bed and im standing there in my shirt and my boxers and my mom comes in seconds later and so this girl luckily got her shirt on and is sitting there with the covers pulled up. My mom asks why i have no pants/shorts on and i tell her i was in the room to get a new pair of shorts. She seems to buy it, and i sigh in relief inside until, suddenly she yanks the sheets down and sees that the girl has no underwear on and is naked from the waist down. The girl says, very meekly, that she sleeps in the nude. My mom points to a huge wet spot on the bed, and says "nice try."

i wanted to die.
Owned. So what happened afterwards?

[FreshyFresh23]

Owned. So what happened afterwards?

mom tattled on me to pops and the girl was sent home the next day. huge fight ensued.. overall..

yeah. owned.

[Clarett'sGreyGoose]

mom tattled on me to pops and the girl was sent home the next day. huge fight ensued.. overall..

yeah. owned.
But you know, now that it's a couple years later, you have to look back and think....

Was the fight worth banging the Mediterranean bitch? I bet it was. Unless she gave you herpes.

[catscradle]

mom tattled on me to pops and the girl was sent home the next day. huge fight ensued.. overall..

yeah. owned.
damn that sucks.

[FreshyFresh23]

But you know, now that it's a couple years later, you have to look back and think....

Was the fight worth banging the Mediterranean bitch? I bet it was. Unless she gave you herpes.

oh na man.. thinking about it... me and my friends sit there and laugh and cant believe that actually happened to me. Probably the best story i can tell in my lifetime, up to this point.

No herpes.

she was smokin. funny followup is back in the day i had some pimp ass n00dz of her and her friend and then i deleted them once i "hated" her or something...and now i wish i had them back and actually IM'd her and asked for some new ones haha...didnt work.

[xTJx]

lets see.. i got a few bad ones.


Alright.. this sounds like im making it up (because typing it out it sounds so weird haha) but this hot girl i met on a cruise in the meditterranean is visiting my house for a week or two a couple summers ago and my parents have her staying in my roomand me staying in the guest bedroom. They leave us to our own basically, so i sneak into her room everynight of course and we go at it. Well one night we just got done having sex for a long time and i notice my dog walks in the room. Its about 6 am. I think oh shit, my dogs follow my mom around so i quickly get out of bed and im standing there in my shirt and my boxers and my mom comes in seconds later and so this girl luckily got her shirt on and is sitting there with the covers pulled up. My mom asks why i have no pants/shorts on and i tell her i was in the room to get a new pair of shorts. She seems to buy it, and i sigh in relief inside until, suddenly she yanks the sheets down and sees that the girl has no underwear on and is naked from the waist down. The girl says, very meekly, that she sleeps in the nude. My mom points to a huge wet spot on the bed, and says "nice try."

i wanted to die.

Haha that's the best thing I've heard of in a long time

[FreshyFresh23]

one that is probably more embaressing for the girl but was just gross for me was this girl i was doing one of those one time hookup deals is in my car with me in some dirty parking lot and were getting ready to do it and shes bending over in my face kind of, like teasing me with her bangin ass/thighs before i hit it and i guess her pussy was...uh..flared open or something from me fingering her.. and she just let out the nastiest queefs i ever heard.

We still did it but i stopped talking to her afterwards and told everyone

[Clarett'sGreyGoose]

one that is probably more embaressing for the girl but was just gross for me was this girl i was doing one of those one time hookup deals is in my car with me in some dirty parking lot and were getting ready to do it and shes bending over in my face kind of, like teasing me with her bangin ass/thighs before i hit it and i guess her pussy was...uh..flared open or something from me fingering her.. and she just let out the nastiest queefs i ever heard.

We still did it but i stopped talking to her afterwards and told everyone
Hey, as long as it wasn't right on your face, it's something to laugh about and tell everyone about how nasty it was afterwards.

[FreshyFresh23]

Hey, as long as it wasn't right on your face, it's something to laugh about and tell everyone about how nasty it was afterwards.

yeah i mean she was pretty good looking and like i was a little drunk and wanted it bad so i told her hey no its ok i understand want happened dont worry and played it off like i was really understanding.

shes gotta know im gonna tell everyone i know though. its a queef for chrissakes.

[FreshyFresh23]

last one for now...(why do i have so many stories that fit in this thread)

im having sex with this girl i had been dating for around 6 months or something and we were tossing the "i love you" thing around etc etc... she was really worried about the whole sex thing but then we decided to do it... well first time were doing it were goin at it and everything seems great to me and then she just breaks down crying and pulls out and almost tears my fuckin dick off so i scream at her asking what the fuck is wrong with her which only makes her cry more and then we break up.

Ugh. i dont even like thinking about that, just too dirty to even think about. having a girl cry in the middle of sex is probably the weirdest/worst feeling ive experienced. probably tops the mom thing.

[Clarett'sGreyGoose]

last one for now...(why do i have so many stories that fit in this thread)

im having sex with this girl i had been dating for around 6 months or something and we were tossing the "i love you" thing around etc etc... she was really worried about the whole sex thing but then we decided to do it... well first time were doing it were goin at it and everything seems great to me and then she just breaks down crying and pulls out and almost tears my fuckin dick off so i scream at her asking what the fuck is wrong with her which only makes her cry more and then we break up.

Ugh. i dont even like thinking about that, just too dirty to even think about. having a girl cry in the middle of sex is probably the weirdest/worst feeling ive experienced. probably tops the mom thing.
And to make things worse, she probably bent your wang the way it's not supposed to go as she pulled off.

[SevenOhThree]

Worst? Oh man, so, this one time I was having sex with my boyfriend (now ex) in a changing room at like a J C Penny or something, and we were right in the middle of things when someone from the store starts knocking on the door saying there were complaints of "strange noises". So we both quickly had to throw our clothes back on, and when I opened the door the women was standing there with a security guard. It was terrible.

Let's just say I've been banned from that store for life.
It was so embarrasing.

[-Aaron-]

Okay so I go down to Tampa to stay with my girlfriend for 2 weeks during spring break. After she picks me up from the airport we are on here bed making out and then I fingered/went down on her. Her mom pulls in the drive way and my gf freaks out and we gotta scramble for clothes. Her mom just walks in her room (Im guessing she was excited to meet me for the first time). So yeah Im standing there with like clothes half on, hair a mess, belt undone saying hello and nice to meet you finally.

Really akward. Luckily I guess I made up for it cause she let me drive around her Porche Cheyanne the rest of the stay.

[SevenOhThree]

Okay so I go down to Tampa to stay with my girlfriend for 2 weeks during spring break. After she picks me up from the airport we are on here bed making out and then I fingered/went down on her. Her mom pulls in the drive way and my gf freaks out and we gotta scramble for clothes. Her mom just walks in her room (Im guessing she was excited to meet me for the first time). So yeah Im standing there with like clothes half on, hair a mess, belt undone saying hello and nice to meet you finally.

Really akward. Luckily I guess I made up for it cause she let me drive around her Porche Cheyanne the rest of the stay.

Nice car. It's what my dad drives.

[ExhaleThePain]

The worst one probably for me is after I had sex with my boyfriend and he says...

"Y-y-you know that was my first time, right?"

Priceless.

[shes soo lovely]

my first time really sucked too...we did it at his parents house while they were asleep but he didnt have a condom and his parents lock their bedroom door, so he went outside and broke in his parents bedroom from the outside window, crawled to their bathroom and stole the only condom they had. which was banana flavored. so anyway we do it for all of 5 mins and i get scared and wanna stop and then an hr later i guess the banana flavoring shit didnt agree with me because i got a nasty rash all in my giner....yea that sucked and burned like hell. it went away like by the next morning but needless to say ive never used any flavored condoms ever again.

[shes soo lovely]

oh another time a guy and i left this party and parked his truck in a corn feild (during july the fields are as tall as a house) so we're in there goin at it and a po po pulls up behind us and he threw me off really fast and takes off while im trying to get dressed and the cop chases us through the corn field but then out of some sort of luck as soon as we got to the street he just like decided not to try pulling us over or something. i dunno but i was shitting bricks because the guy wasnt my boyfriend or anything so my parents would have flipped if i got brought home by the police for having sex in the middle of nowhere with some random person.

[Paul Tao]

last one for now...(why do i have so many stories that fit in this thread)
Probably because you go to ASU, haha.

[Coronary Parasite]

my ex and i weren't having sex yet but we were at the point where we were messing around pretty far and he forgot to lock my door, so i have no shirt/bra on and he has nothing on while he's on top of me my mom knocks once and twists the door knob and he jumps off me into the closet and i jump up and lock the door.

i don't remember where we had to go but she said we're leaving now. him and i get dressed and we get in the car and i told her (for the millionth time) mom, you need to knock for real. and she said "why, i'm not interrupting anything". yeah.


him and i also showered together and we thought everyone was sleeping in my house so we get in the shower and i get out and leave him in the bathroom. he gets out, and we thought everything was fine until later when my younger brother said "how come i saw you get out of the bathroom, and him not go in, but then a few minutes later he came out?" busted.

my little brother also over heard one of my convos after we broke up and told my mom "cindy's not a virgin anymore". thanks mike.

[matt_rawlings]

my first time really sucked too...we did it at his parents house while they were asleep but he didnt have a condom and his parents lock their bedroom door, so he went outside and broke in his parents bedroom from the outside window, crawled to their bathroom and stole the only condom they had. which was banana flavored. so anyway we do it for all of 5 mins and i get scared and wanna stop and then an hr later i guess the banana flavoring shit didnt agree with me because i got a nasty rash all in my giner....yea that sucked and burned like hell. it went away like by the next morning but needless to say ive never used any flavored condoms ever again.


Another post from you that has actually made me feel sick

[Dirty Ernie]

this thread is glorious


i'm in a pretty serious relationship right now but a few months ago i still hadn't met her parents at this point because they are really strict/upstanding/rich/clueless to what their children do types, so i was nervous...so i go to her house for dinner and when we get there her parents are out getting food so we figure we have like 15 minutes to go at it so we go to her bed and its like 4 feet off the ground on this really nice bed frame....needless to say we started humping pretty hard and the whole thing collapsed, i mean we fell hard, wood busted and everything...she starts crying and i hear her parents pull in the driveway so i climb out her window, tell her to tell her parents i couldn't make it, and hide in a tree next to her house until she is finished eating dinner and can drive me home...she blamed the bed on her fatter younger sister

[Broken Parachute]

I honestly never had a wet dream either.

[kidinthecorner]

I've never experienced a queef, but I really can't see myself being too bothered by it. And I think with some of my friends that I've hooked up with, if they farted, they'd probably laugh and go "haha... I farted, doesn't it smell good?"

[ClapClapSnap]

my first time really sucked too...we did it at his parents house while they were asleep but he didnt have a condom and his parents lock their bedroom door, so he went outside and broke in his parents bedroom from the outside window, crawled to their bathroom and stole the only condom they had. which was banana flavored. so anyway we do it for all of 5 mins and i get scared and wanna stop and then an hr later i guess the banana flavoring shit didnt agree with me because i got a nasty rash all in my giner....yea that sucked and burned like hell. it went away like by the next morning but needless to say ive never used any flavored condoms ever again.

I can't believe you used the word "giner"

[ExhaleThePain]

I can't believe you used the word "giner"

Hahahahahahahahaha.

[ClapClapSnap]

Hahahahahahahahaha.
Hahah it's such a gross word, and I've never heard someone use that. It made me feel uncomfortable just reading it.

Plus, it reminds me of that girl Gina from 40 year old virgin, and THAT just scares me.

[8:17am]

A guy I used to play football with was having anal sex with his girlfriend, and when he pulled out, she shit on the bed. When he told the story, the entire locker room was either laughing or running away, petrified.

My worst sexual experience was with a girl who called me "Uncle Max." It freaked me out so much, I pulled out and walked 12 miles to my house.

My most embarassing/creepy sexual experience was with my best friend's sister. We were in the middle of it, and he walked in, looked me right in the eye and asked if I wanted to watch The Crow with him. We never spoke another word about it.

[matt_rawlings]

My most embarassing/creepy sexual experience was with my best friend's sister. We were in the middle of it, and her walked in, looked me right in the eye and asked if I wanted to watch The Crow with him. We never spoke another word about it.

Oh man, thats rough

[matt_rawlings]

this thread is glorious


i'm in a pretty serious relationship right now but a few months ago i still hadn't met her parents at this point because they are really strict/upstanding/rich/clueless to what their children do types, so i was nervous...so i go to her house for dinner and when we get there her parents are out getting food so we figure we have like 15 minutes to go at it so we go to her bed and its like 4 feet off the ground on this really nice bed frame....needless to say we started humping pretty hard and the whole thing collapsed, i mean we fell hard, wood busted and everything...she starts crying and i hear her parents pull in the driveway so i climb out her window, tell her to tell her parents i couldn't make it, and hide in a tree next to her house until she is finished eating dinner and can drive me home...she blamed the bed on her fatter younger sister

Awesome story. I hate it when a girls parents are that stuck up.

My parents are so open about sex, it freaks me out.

They always ask me if I 'Got layed' and when I went to university my mum and I went shopping for supplies.
I was off getting cerial and when I came back, I found she had put 2 packs of condoms and a large tube of lube in the basket.

I was juts like "What the fuck!!!"

They also still laugh at my virginity which is awkward to say the least

[wessa]

this isn't really embarassing but it just sucks that it happened...

So my gf and I both waited a while to do it. Not just together, we were both virgins when we met and both had thoughts of waiting till marriage. Well after a year (on the anniversary) we decide to do the deed. Well, two days later she comes over when my parents are in new york city and we start going at it. And the condom breaks. The second time we do it and the condom breaks. And as you may have guessed, she is not on the pill. She is freaking out majorly. She starts crying and im trying to get her to calm down. Luckily, my neighbor is a doctor and he is really chill. I went and talked to him, he got her a prescription for the day after pill, she took it and everything is fine.

The worst part: she has now sworn off sex until marriage. And I don't know if i can get her to change her mind this time. I got a little taste of sex and now it has been taken away from me, haha.

[8:17am]

I was off getting cerial and when I came back, I found she had put 2 packs of condoms and a large tube of lube in the basket.

I was juts like "What the fuck!!!"

They also still laugh at my virginity which is awkward to say the least

One of my best friends bought an economy box of condoms, 36 condoms total, and after about a month of not getting laid, told me to come by his house, because he had a prank he wanted to pull. We borrowed his dad's conversion van and filled all of the condoms with paint, and were driving down the freeway, 70 miles an hour, throwing them at cars as we passed by.

[roxy]

These are some funny stories and I love that they are all from guys though.

[lightcollapse]

my first time really sucked too...we did it at his parents house while they were asleep but he didnt have a condom and his parents lock their bedroom door, so he went outside and broke in his parents bedroom from the outside window, crawled to their bathroom and stole the only condom they had. which was banana flavored. so anyway we do it for all of 5 mins and i get scared and wanna stop and then an hr later i guess the banana flavoring shit didnt agree with me because i got a nasty rash all in my giner....yea that sucked and burned like hell. it went away like by the next morning but needless to say ive never used any flavored condoms ever again.

did you just say giner, and do so while talking about a vaginal rash??

ewwwwwwwww

[FreshyFresh23]

Awesome story. I hate it when a girls parents are that stuck up.

My parents are so open about sex, it freaks me out.

They always ask me if I 'Got layed' and when I went to university my mum and I went shopping for supplies.
I was off getting cerial and when I came back, I found she had put 2 packs of condoms and a large tube of lube in the basket.

I was juts like "What the fuck!!!"

They also still laugh at my virginity which is awkward to say the least


my mom did that too. I just told her, "mom... i can buy those myself." and she just smiled and said "i know you can, but you probably wont."

[FreshyFresh23]

Probably because you go to ASU, haha.

haha fair enough. We got some of the hottest girls and best parties, according to playboy

[catscradle]

One of my best friends bought an economy box of condoms, 36 condoms total, and after about a month of not getting laid, told me to come by his house, because he had a prank he wanted to pull. We borrowed his dad's conversion van and filled all of the condoms with paint, and were driving down the freeway, 70 miles an hour, throwing them at cars as we passed by.
what a waste, those shits are expensive. You should've given them to me.

[shes soo lovely]

Hahah it's such a gross word, and I've never heard someone use that. It made me feel uncomfortable just reading it.

Plus, it reminds me of that girl Gina from 40 year old virgin, and THAT just scares me.


haha it reminds me of that too.... i think its a funny word, i like calling it a flower too lol

[FreshyFresh23]

haha it reminds me of that too.... i think its a funny word, i like calling it a flower too lol

giner is disgusting haha not sure if that or vag is worse. flower? no

to gross out my gf i say "flickin the bean" in reference to girls masturbating or whatever. Or if two girls are pussy fuckin then its "bangin beans." she hates that.

[Broken Parachute]

Calling it a 'wallet' is worse. Whenever I put money in my wallet, I think of that and shiver.

[8:17am]

what a waste, those shits are expensive. You should've given them to me.

Yeah, it was 12.50 plus the cost of paint and gas well wasted.

[Get Fucked]

Worst?

Drunk at school went to eat this girl out and almost puked on her she smelled so bad. So I just pretended with my finger for a minute before sticking it in.I hope you don't mean stick your TONGUE in man, if you do you need to watch an instructional video hahaha.

[Spicoli hey bud]

the worst stories always involve some sort of vomiting.

[JezisHChrist]

Grossest shit is when you start going down on a girl and she tells you she's on her period. Kills wood instantly.

[catscradle]

Yeah, it was 12.50 plus the cost of paint and gas well wasted.
I don't know about where you live, but here in Florida it's almost six bucks for a 4 pack of condoms, so yea to me that's expensive.

[Veritas11]

Probably because you go to ASU, haha.

ASU burn. Nice. I hate that school.

[8:17am]

I don't know about where you live, but here in Florida it's almost six bucks for a 4 pack of condoms, so yea to me that's expensive.

That's fucking insane, six bucks for 4? Damn. Up here (Michigan) all you have to do is stroll into Meijers and you can get 36 for 12.50ish. I used to buy one of those packs and hand the fuckers out at school. We had a pretty bad rash of teen pregnancy/std/crotch rot going around. Thank God I wasn't personally afflicted with any of it.

[kidinthecorner]

That's fucking insane, six bucks for 4? Damn. Up here (Michigan) all you have to do is stroll into Meijers and you can get 36 for 12.50ish. I used to buy one of those packs and hand the fuckers out at school. We had a pretty bad rash of teen pregnancy/std/crotch rot going around. Thank God I wasn't personally afflicted with any of it.
Condoms are expensive as fuck around my campus. No wonder the planned parenthood right off campus is the #1 giver-outer of plan-b in the nation.

[xTJx]

15 for 5 bucks here. Ohhh yeah

[catscradle]

all you lucky kids and your cheap condoms.

[aaronstanton]

Never in my life have I had a wet dream

same pal... its called tugging it too much i think

[xTJx]

same pal... its called tugging it too much i think

Actually, it's the exact opposite. By not tugging it too much, it comes out naturally in your sleep

[Clarett'sGreyGoose]

12 for $12 at most places here.

Except Target. $5.50 for a 12 pack HUZZAH

[catscradle]

i've only had one wet dream and it was magnificent!!!! nothing ever felt so good. The wierd thing was i hadnt masterbated in like 5 days and it happened, but when i gave up masterbation for lent i got nothing. I was so bad that i would watch porn to sleep in order to try to provoke a wet dream during that horrible 40 days.

[aaronstanton]

i would watch porn to sleep in order to try to provoke a wet dream during that horrible 40 days.

hahahhaha amazing basically.
good plan i guess.
did it work?

[Nelsonpunkrock]

I can't believe you used the word "giner"
That made me want to puke.

[catscradle]

hahahhaha amazing basically.
good plan i guess.
did it work?
sadly no, but boy was it amazing after waiting a month and a half. talk about an eruption.


O yea and during this time was the only time i ever received blue balls, talk about crazy and i still held back. Kudos to me and self control.

[Bishop]

So there was this one night where me and a friend just start making out on her couch and then making out on the couch turned into making out more on her bed and this progressively consisted of less clothing, so it finally reaches the point where we are both on her bed sans clothes and then I ask if she had a condom for me. She then says "oh no, I don't have sex with a guy unless I'm dating him."

Fucking woman gave me the worst blue balls of my life.

The only funny thing that came out of it was that I left two days later to visit my family in Texas and after the initial hugs and greetings my dad says to me "so when did you start making out with bears?"

[snowandlights]

I jerked off once and came on my television.

[CantBeStopped]

i just bought a 12 pack of condoms for 4.95. and 2 are already gone. ha

[CantBeStopped]

I jerked off once and came on my television.

thats just sick. i have this one friend who has all these stains on his monitor, and hes notorious for looking at porn so it always leaves me wondering if thats what that is

[neo506]

These are some funny stories and I love that they are all from guys though. well, share some...

[xearlynovemberx]

haha, so the other day im with this girl were making out and shit i start rubbing her stomach area and she says go down more so i take off her pants and shit and start to finger her. so im doing it shes breathing heavy or whatever shes like stop stop i gotta go home so i stopped. she said to stop because i think she queefed on my hands..or she just dosent take care of herself down there needeless to say my fingers reak of vag so bad my mom asked what the smell was and i told her 'guess i didnt whipe good enough'

[SevenOhThree]

These are some funny stories and I love that they are all from guys though.

I posted mine, and last time I checked I was a girl...

[Greg]

I posted mine, and last time I checked I was a girl...
check again?

[aloneatlastnj]

this thread has made me laugh out loud more than any thread ever


the 'guess i didnt wipe good enough' part made me die of laughter.

[Coronary Parasite]

These are some funny stories and I love that they are all from guys though.
hey i gave mine!

and condoms are unbelievably expensive btw, i used to pay like 20 for the lifestyles variety pack.

unless i was on campus, because then i would just steal them from the health center. they were our brand anyway. haha

[matt_rawlings]

Speaking as a man, a virgin and an honest person I must say;

Blue Balls Is One Of The Most Painful Things Ever.

No girl will ever know this pain and if you understood what it feels like then you would never, ever let us go home with it

[Coronary Parasite]

Speaking as a man, a virgin and an honest person I must say;

Blue Balls Is One Of The Most Painful Things Ever.

No girl will ever know this pain and if you understood what it feels like then you would never, ever let us go home with it
oh yeah, and i applaud you.

[Spicoli hey bud]

word. need condoms. hit up the health center. problem solved.

especially if you are in need of flavored/lubricated condoms.

[Coronary Parasite]

word. need condoms. hit up the health center. problem solved.

especially if you are in need of flavored/lubricated condoms.
haha my ex used to steal them all the time, the first time i have sex was with a condom stolen from the health center.

[SevenOhThree]

check again?

I was waiting for someone to say something like that.
Haha.

And I checked again, and yup, still female.

[roxy]

I was waiting for someone to say something like that.
Haha.

And I checked again, and yup, still female.
I should have worded it better, I was running late to catch my train this morning and just kind of put up a post.

I should have said its a majority of guys. I feel like if a girl tells her stories she is labled a whore no matter what.

[ClapClapSnap]

I should have worded it better, I was running late to catch my train this morning and just kind of put up a post.

I should have said its a majority of guys. I feel like if a girl tells her stories she is labled a whore no matter what.

Yupp...hahah Mitchell was telling me to tell my stories...I'm not so sure though.

[Coronary Parasite]

Yupp...hahah Mitchell was telling me to tell my stories...I'm not so sure though.
hha the gusta comment from mitchell is priceless btw.

[xTJx]

Yupp...hahah Mitchell was telling me to tell my stories...I'm not so sure though.

Do it

[ClapClapSnap]

Do it

Youu caann't maaake mee. :p
I probably will eventually.


hha the gusta comment from mitchell is priceless btw.

Hahah I died laughing when he said that. Just because whenever he's mean to me I say, "No me gusta YOU" and he knows I don't mean it.

[jusscali]

Speaking as a man, a virgin and an honest person I must say;

Blue Balls Is One Of The Most Painful Things Ever.

No girl will ever know this pain and if you understood what it feels like then you would never, ever let us go home with it
i swear matt rawlings is a pioneer of sorts. hes a prophet really

[xTJx]

I've never had these so called blue balls...

[matt_rawlings]

I've never had these so called blue balls...

You lucky son of a jackal

[ClapClapSnap]

I've never had these so called blue balls...

That's because no girl can change her mind about getting sexed up by you.

[roxy]

Yupp...hahah Mitchell was telling me to tell my stories...I'm not so sure though.
Mine are all funny not strange but still.

[ClapClapSnap]

Mine are all funny not strange but still.

One thing that happened to me was funny, but for everyone else. It was embarrassing for me hahah.

[xTJx]

That's because no girl can change her mind about getting sexed up by you.

Cross the line much? I think so.

[ClapClapSnap]

Cross the line much? I think so.
Whoops. Sorry. :( I didn't know that was possible in the these forums.

[unwritten]

lol, this thread is classic. Exactly what I needed to entertain me while I'm bored at work.

[Spicoli hey bud]

haha my ex used to steal them all the time, the first time i have sex was with a condom stolen from the health center.
that's what the health center is there for.

[kidinthecorner]

12 for $12 at most places here.

Except Target. $5.50 for a 12 pack HUZZAH
Damn, I never thought to look at target.

[Clarett'sGreyGoose]

Damn, I never thought to look at target.
Yeah dude, they're seriously cheap there.

Except the don't have a wide variety. I personally like the Mint Tingle ones because the smell of latex makes me vomit, and Target doesn't sell those. Either that, or they just weren't in stock the last 2 times I was there.

[kidinthecorner]

hey i gave mine!

and condoms are unbelievably expensive btw, i used to pay like 20 for the lifestyles variety pack.

unless i was on campus, because then i would just steal them from the health center. they were our brand anyway. haha
You have to steal them? They give them out for free at SU's health center, but they are teerrrrrible quality and no one trusts them.
I've never had these so called blue balls...
Me either...

[kidinthecorner]

Yeah dude, they're seriously cheap there.

Except the don't have a wide variety. I personally like the Mint Tingle ones because the smell of latex makes me vomit, and Target doesn't sell those. Either that, or they just weren't in stock the last 2 times I was there.
One of my ex's that I never had sex with, I just foudn out she's allergic to latex. Sucks for her, and her new boyfriend.. lambskin one's are probably quite expensive.

*Ahaha and a quick google shows that they're not very good with the anti-disease thing...

[axelblazer]

I jerked off once and came on my television.


That's sick as hell, but I dunno why I'm laughing so hard...

[xTJx]

Whoops. Sorry. :( I didn't know that was possible in the these forums.

It's alright, now you know

[xTJx]

Yeah dude, they're seriously cheap there.

Except the don't have a wide variety. I personally like the Mint Tingle ones because the smell of latex makes me vomit, and Target doesn't sell those. Either that, or they just weren't in stock the last 2 times I was there.

I can't feel anything with the mint tingle, but the girlfriend loves them a lot. She was even nice enough to buy me the mint tingle lube for me/us

[ExhaleThePain]

Hahah it's such a gross word, and I've never heard someone use that. It made me feel uncomfortable just reading it.

Plus, it reminds me of that girl Gina from 40 year old virgin, and THAT just scares me.

Gina, hey, what's up.

[A picasso blue]

Queefing is just akward. Some take it as a sign of accomplishment.
i know a girl who can queef on cue

[A picasso blue]

I might win.
After finishing up i wrapped the condom in tissues and just tossed it onto my jeans on the floor. Me and the girl fall asleep and when i wake up the condom is gone. I thought i just threw it away before we slept. Im out with this girl later and i get a call from my mome. "Oh ya, another thing. When you finish up, find a better place for your condoms, the dog just threw it up." One of the funniest things to ever happen to me.
wow that is far too awkward..

[matt_rawlings]

I think if a girl queef'd on me, I may vomit and then beat her with a sack of oranges

[A picasso blue]

My worst sexual encounter came when, afterwards...

"Wait, you didn't use a condom, did you?"
"No, why? You're on the pill."
"No, I'm not."
"...Shit."
hahahaa


so what happened? baby anzns?

[A picasso blue]

lets see.. i got a few bad ones.


Alright.. this sounds like im making it up (because typing it out it sounds so weird haha) but this hot girl i met on a cruise in the meditterranean is visiting my house for a week or two a couple summers ago and my parents have her staying in my roomand me staying in the guest bedroom. They leave us to our own basically, so i sneak into her room everynight of course and we go at it. Well one night we just got done having sex for a long time and i notice my dog walks in the room. Its about 6 am. I think oh shit, my dogs follow my mom around so i quickly get out of bed and im standing there in my shirt and my boxers and my mom comes in seconds later and so this girl luckily got her shirt on and is sitting there with the covers pulled up. My mom asks why i have no pants/shorts on and i tell her i was in the room to get a new pair of shorts. She seems to buy it, and i sigh in relief inside until, suddenly she yanks the sheets down and sees that the girl has no underwear on and is naked from the waist down. The girl says, very meekly, that she sleeps in the nude. My mom points to a huge wet spot on the bed, and says "nice try."

i wanted to die.
wow all these horrible stories make me feel fortunate to be a virgin

[A picasso blue]

These are some funny stories and I love that they are all from guys though.
no. she's so lovely's a girl. and hers are gross

[A picasso blue]

im surprised rawligns never had sex despite all the stories he seems to have

[xTJx]

no. she's so lovely's a girl. and she's gross


fixed.

[A picasso blue]

and im curious to know if Paul made some baby azns with that one girl

[matt_rawlings]

im surprised rawligns never had sex despite all the stories he seems to have

I make alot of threads about sex and stuff like that because people always seem to have alot to say on the subject and these are dark days for the forums of late.

I have been offered sexd numerous times but always wanted to hold out until it felt like I was ready and it was the right time and place (not in a religious or overbearing way or anything, it was just how I felt).

However, that has all gone out the fuckin window now, I'm looking to get layed brotha.

[Coronary Parasite]

I make alot of threads about sex and stuff like that because people always seem to have alot to say on the subject and these are dark days for the forums of late.

I have been offered sexd numerous times but always wanted to hold out until it felt like I was ready and it was the right time and place (not in a religious or overbearing way or anything, it was just how I felt).

However, that has all gone out the fuckin window now, I'm looking to get layed brotha.
i really like you :)

[A picasso blue]

someone care to answer this:


a kid told me that vagina smells like, quote, "really sweaty balls". is that true? i hope not..

[kidinthecorner]

someone care to answer this:


a kid told me that vagina smells like, quote, "really sweaty balls". is that true? i hope not..
I'm sure a real sweaty vagina smells similar, but.. if you wash either, you're good.

[i like guitars]

someone care to answer this:


a kid told me that vagina smells like, quote, "really sweaty balls". is that true? i hope not..


it depends on the girl and how well she takes care of it. but id say sweaty balls after shes been bonen

[xTJx]

I've never noticed a bad smell...

[i like guitars]

I've never noticed a bad smell...

you have been with the right women then my friend

[neo506]

hha the gusta comment from mitchell is priceless btw.:D


I've heard all her stories anyway,so if she posts them or not really doesnt matter to me

[A picasso blue]

what are blue balls? im so sheltered..

[i like guitars]

what are blue balls? im so sheltered..

its when a girl is a tease and you want to shoot your load but you cant because of given circumstances

[matt_rawlings]

i really like you :)

Thankyou very much. I dare say, you have always been very nice to me on this forum and I really appreciate it.

You are the good

[matt_rawlings]

what are blue balls? im so sheltered..

Gather around children for I have a story for all of you and your brothers, this is the tale of Blue Balls...

You heard me, blue balls!!111!!

You see, sometimes, when a man doesn't love a woman, but likes the way she looks and wants to jump her bones and stick it in her, his penis gets hard, much like Chuck Norris's arms or Margaret Thatchers nipples.

Not to scare you but, your penis is a weapon that you and the world around you should live in fear of. If you are ever cornered, pull out your dick and watch as your enemy runs away in a fit of fear.

Wait...back to the blue balls.

When you get ultra hard, its is your penis standing up and screaming "Man up dog, pussy is in the hiz-ouse!". If you do not firmly ram your lil' playa into the fleshy folds of a young woman or wrestle it with a hand or twain, he gets pissed off.

Now, like I said, your penis is a weapon and you should never piss off something with the power to get you put away for 15 year to life.

So, if he doesn't get any action, he is going to let you know. He does this by basically making you feel like a Honda Civic has been parked on your balls.

Fin

[mht]

i shit you not, my best friend was looking at porn on his familys computer that his parents use as well, and i guess he climaxed or whatever but as he did, his dad pulled up in the driveway, and the computer is right by the door, he got some of his fluids stuck in between the buttons of the keyboard and like a dumbass he sucked it up with a straw as his dad was walking in to cover it up, needless to say me and my friends love him to death till this day and never laughed harder in our lives when he told us, hes the funniest kid alive and plays division I college football. so hes huge and rediculous.

[Broken Parachute]

i shit you not, my best friend was looking at porn on his familys computer that his parents use as well, and i guess he climaxed or whatever but as he did, his dad pulled up in the driveway, and the computer is right by the door, he got some of his fluids stuck in between the buttons of the keyboard and like a dumbass he sucked it up with a straw as his dad was walking in to cover it up, needless to say me and my friends love him to death till this day and never laughed harder in our lives when he told us, hes the funniest kid alive and plays division I college football. so hes huge and rediculous.
He drank his own load?

[kidinthecorner]

Gather around children for I have a story for all of you and your brothers, this is the tale of Blue Balls...

You heard me, blue balls!!111!!

You see, sometimes, when a man doesn't love a woman, but likes the way she looks and wants to jump her bones and stick it in her, his penis gets hard, much like Chuck Norris's arms or Margaret Thatchers nipples.

Not to scare you but, your penis is a weapon that you and the world around you should live in fear of. If you are ever cornered, pull out your dick and watch as your enemy runs away in a fit of fear.

Wait...back to the blue balls.

When you get ultra hard, its is your penis standing up and screaming "Man up dog, pussy is in the hiz-ouse!". If you do not firmly ram your lil' playa into the fleshy folds of a young woman or wrestle it with a hand or twain, he gets pissed off.

Now, like I said, your penis is a weapon and you should never piss off something with the power to get you put away for 15 year to life.

So, if he doesn't get any action, he is going to let you know. He does this by basically making you feel like a Honda Civic has been parked on your balls.

FinOr scientificlaly, it's when the blood that used to be engorging your penis is now hanging out in your scrotem and won't go away like it should. Whether you ejaculated or not doesn't really have much of an effect, it just happens sometimes. So, women, if a guy threatens you with blue balls, tell him if he's that worried about it, there's nothing you can do anyway. Sorry guys, but blue balls really isn't a big deal. In most guys, they barely feel a discomfort on the rare occasion they do get it.

[kshtoinks12]

i once was messing around with my ex-gf and she shot me in he face

[matt_rawlings]

Or scientificlaly, it's when the blood that used to be engorging your penis is now hanging out in your scrotem and won't go away like it should. Whether you ejaculated or not doesn't really have much of an effect, it just happens sometimes. So, women, if a guy threatens you with blue balls, tell him if he's that worried about it, there's nothing you can do anyway. Sorry guys, but blue balls really isn't a big deal. In most guys, they barely feel a discomfort on the rare occasion they do get it.

I got it so bad last summer when I didn't jerk off for three weeks that I felt physically sick and missed work.

Thats right: I missed work due to blue balls

[snowandlights]

I don't get it. Can someone give me a serious situation where Blue Balls would happen?

[xTJx]

I don't get it. Can someone give me a serious situation where Blue Balls would happen?

Place your testicles in the freezer. They will turn blue.

Blue balls.

[matt_rawlings]

I don't get it. Can someone give me a serious situation where Blue Balls would happen?

Did you not read my story? That is the perfect explanation of blue balls brutha

[preppyak]

My most embarassing/creepy sexual experience was with my best friend's sister. We were in the middle of it, and he walked in, looked me right in the eye and asked if I wanted to watch The Crow with him. We never spoke another word about it.
haha wow...

good movie btw

[quitmyscene]

uhhhh

[A picasso blue]

i still dont get Matt's explanation..i get what it is but why does it happen?

anyway i particuarly liked the part about Margaret Thatcher's nipples

[xTJx]

basically, i'll cut a long story short...one night i got really drunk and went home, and accidently went into my sisters room, she's 15, and one thing led to another and i ended up making out with her, fingering her and then well, ya know, i shot my load in her tightness...breakfast was embarassing.

Shenanigans!

[mht]

He drank his own load?


yep, sucked it up with a straw it got stuck in between the buttons on his computer keyboard so he couldnt wipe it off hahahaa. absurd.

[xTJx]

yep, sucked it up with a straw it got stuck in between the buttons on his computer keyboard so he couldnt wipe it off hahahaa. absurd.

I knew a guy that was jerking off, and his parents came through the door so he went in his hand and swallowed it after. Sick!

[lightcollapse]

this one time i was messing around with my gf and she bit off both my nipples and swallowed them. crazy shit.

[SingleDoubt]

when my girlfriend's drunk, her mouth becomes a bear trap for my dick

[bigmike]

I knew a guy that was jerking off, and his parents came through the door so he went in his hand and swallowed it after. Sick!
that's a little too hardcore for me. I think i'd just be like "hold on let me splooge first. Alright, what do you need?"

[ExhaleThePain]

I got it so bad last summer when I didn't jerk off for three weeks that I felt physically sick and missed work.

Thats right: I missed work due to blue balls

What did you tell your boss?

[deadforweeks]

Ahh I've had blue balls..I've never heard it be referred to in that way before but I definetly know the feeling.

Ouch

[matt_rawlings]

What did you tell your boss?

I worked at a Walkers Shortbread factory last summer (the worst job in the world by quite some way). They really didn't give a shit if people randomly missed work for a day or two because barely anyone managed to work there for more than a week.

One of the highest employee turn-over rates in the UK

[deadforweeks]

Ah dammit did you get free shortbread? That stuff is amazing.

[matt_rawlings]

Ah dammit did you get free shortbread? That stuff is amazing.

I haven't eaten shortbread since I worked there...it puts you off for life

[ExhaleThePain]

I worked at a Walkers Shortbread factory last summer (the worst job in the world by quite some way). They really didn't give a shit if people randomly missed work for a day or two because barely anyone managed to work there for more than a week.

One of the highest employee turn-over rates in the UK

You got off easy, man.

[Beloved Broken]

basically, i'll cut a long story short...one night i got really drunk and went home, and accidently went into my sisters room, she's 15, and one thing led to another and i ended up making out with her, fingering her and then well, ya know, i shot my load in her tightness...breakfast was embarassing.
YOU were drunk and are not to be judged, but your 15-year-old sister wasn't... She didn't try to stop you or anything...? Dude, that's sick.

[matt_rawlings]

My friend Martin's gay friend JJ has been in agony for 3 days because he got cum in his eye

[ThirdTimeAround]

My friend Martin's gay friend JJ has been in agony for 3 days because he got cum in his eye

Does he have to wear an eyepatch?

[swirlofhues]

My friend Martin's gay friend JJ has been in agony for 3 days because he got cum in his eye

omg i never realized you were from scotland?

[Juliana101]

One time, I was doing my exin the butt. And she shit on her parents brand new white leather couch. Well, she decided she was going to blame it on the dog, and not clean it up. Her parents came home about 2 hours later and her dad took the dog outside and shot it. Needless to say we're not going out anymore.

Should I even feel bad? I told her to clean it up but she told me it was fine. That story makes me depressed whenever I think about it.

[Anton Djamoos]

theres nothing worse then mine....i dont think anyone can top..farting when their bf is the middle of fingering you

we had to stop just to laugh and hes never let me live it down yet
How about when you orgasm while he's giving oral?

[matt_rawlings]

omg i never realized you were from scotland?

Bwahahaha

The More You Know...

[matt_rawlings]

One time, I was doing my exin the butt. And she shit on her parents brand new white leather couch. Well, she decided she was going to blame it on the dog, and not clean it up. Her parents came home about 2 hours later and her dad took the dog outside and shot it. Needless to say we're not going out anymore.

Should I even feel bad? I told her to clean it up but she told me it was fine. That story makes me depressed whenever I think about it.

I hope you are lying.

And, if you aren't lying then I don't want to be talking to a guy who's girlfriend took a dump during sex and then let her dog be killed

And if you are lying, then who the fuck lies about that stuff?

[DroppedUrPocket]

I just read this entire thing, and I don't think I've laughed so hard from something on this board in a while.

[enj0i29]

One time, I was doing my exin the butt. And she shit on her parents brand new white leather couch. Well, she decided she was going to blame it on the dog, and not clean it up. Her parents came home about 2 hours later and her dad took the dog outside and shot it. Needless to say we're not going out anymore.

Should I even feel bad? I told her to clean it up but she told me it was fine. That story makes me depressed whenever I think about it.

It should. That's terrible.

[matt_rawlings]

I just read this entire thing, and I don't think I've laughed so hard from something on this board in a while.

Its a great thread.

You got any stories to add?

[preppyak]

I hope you are lying.

And, if you aren't lying then I don't want to be talking to a guy who's girlfriend took a dump during sex and then let her dog be killed

And if you are lying, then who the fuck lies about that stuff?
haha...I laughed at the story, but only because I thought there was no way it was true...if it is, dear lord..

[mps]

Gather around children for I have a story for all of you and your brothers, this is the tale of Blue Balls...

You heard me, blue balls!!111!!

You see, sometimes, when a man doesn't love a woman, but likes the way she looks and wants to jump her bones and stick it in her, his penis gets hard, much like Chuck Norris's arms or Margaret Thatchers nipples.

Not to scare you but, your penis is a weapon that you and the world around you should live in fear of. If you are ever cornered, pull out your dick and watch as your enemy runs away in a fit of fear.

Wait...back to the blue balls.

When you get ultra hard, its is your penis standing up and screaming "Man up dog, pussy is in the hiz-ouse!". If you do not firmly ram your lil' playa into the fleshy folds of a young woman or wrestle it with a hand or twain, he gets pissed off.

Now, like I said, your penis is a weapon and you should never piss off something with the power to get you put away for 15 year to life.

So, if he doesn't get any action, he is going to let you know. He does this by basically making you feel like a Honda Civic has been parked on your balls.

Fin


Hahaha, you never fail to make me laugh matt.

[matt_rawlings]

Hahaha, you never fail to make me laugh matt.

Hahaha man I write random shit when there is nothing on tv

[mps]

Hahaha man I write random shit when there is nothing on tv

You have an imagination like Francis (allelish), haha.

[matt_rawlings]

You have an imagination like Francis (allelish), haha.

Thankyou

[concernedparent]

Never in my life have I had a wet dream
I have about 1 every 2 weeks.

[DroppedUrPocket]

I don't think I have anything to add. Nothing extremely weird, bad, or interesting has happened while in the act. I had the best sex of my life on 9/11 though.

[matt_rawlings]

I have about 1 every 2 weeks.

For real? I can't imagine waking up and being like 'Awww dude'

[matt_rawlings]

I don't think I have anything to add. Nothing extremely weird, bad, or interesting has happened while in the act. I had the best sex of my life on 9/11 though.

Oh yeah, I recall you saying that. I bet it was an anti-climax when you turned on the tv after

[DroppedUrPocket]

Oh yeah, I recall you saying that. I bet it was an anti-climax when you turned on the tv after
That's the thing, we had already watched TV for a few hours. We went home from school early that day because of the attacks.

I think the whole thing was enduced by fear. Haha. Senses and urges were heightened. And it was amazing.

[matt_rawlings]

That's the thing, we had already watched TV for a few hours. We went home from school early that day because of the attacks.

I think the whole thing was enduced by fear. Haha. Senses and urges were heightened. And it was amazing.

Fear sex is the best. Well, I assume it is...having not had sex. However, that may all change next weekend

[mps]

Fear sex is the best. Well, I assume it is...having not had sex. However, that may all change next weekend

Oh yeah? Spill the beans then, chuck.

[DroppedUrPocket]

Oh yeah? Spill the beans then, chuck.
I'm going to England to rape him.

[matt_rawlings]

I'm going to England to rape him.

Its true. Its going to be a rape-date, which will be followed by date-rape.

[matt_rawlings]

I am going to the T In The Park Festival. 3 days of camping, drinking, drugs and good music always loosens girls up a bit.

And me, I'm going to be the party porcupine

[mps]

I am going to the T In The Park Festival. 3 days of camping, drinking, drugs and good music always loosens girls up a bit.

And me, I'm going to be the party porcupine

Haha, after what happened last time?

Who's playing btw?

[matt_rawlings]

Red Hot Chili Peppers
The Who
Franz Ferdinand
The Strokes
Kaiser Chiefs
Arctic Monkeys
Placebo
Hard - Fi
Maximo Park
The Magic Numbers
The Proclaimers
Fightstar
Paul Weller
Richard Ashcroft
Goldfrapp
Editors
Pharrell Williams
Feeder
The Zutons
Dirty Pretty Things
The Kooks
We Are Scientists
Delays
Wolfmother



The Charlatans
Primal Scream
The Ordinary Boys The Go! Team
Damian 'jr Gong' Marley
The Futureheads
Kula Shaker
Gomez
Hope Of The States
Guillemots

Sigur Ros
Ben Harper And The Innocent Criminals
Death Cab For Cutie
Clap Your Hands Say Yeah
Jose Gonzalez
The Divine Comedy
Zero 7
The Levellers
Animal Collective

Cosmic Rough Riders
¡forward Russia! The Automatic
Pretty Girls Make Graves Milburn

[mps]

I'd most want to see The Kooks out of them all.

Anyways I'm off to bed since it's 3.15am and I have a terrible cold right now. Peace out mate.

[A picasso blue]

One time, I was doing my exin the butt. And she shit on her parents brand new white leather couch. Well, she decided she was going to blame it on the dog, and not clean it up. Her parents came home about 2 hours later and her dad took the dog outside and shot it. Needless to say we're not going out anymore.

Should I even feel bad? I told her to clean it up but she told me it was fine. That story makes me depressed whenever I think about it.
that is so depressing. sounds like a bizarre family

[matt_rawlings]

that is so depressing. sounds like a bizarre family

Sounds like lunch to me and my family

[skankinbri]

My worst encounter was the first GF, I went to give her oral, she pulled down the thong and here was this big, nasty, bush. So big you would need a GPS and compans to navigate through it.

So I told her, I'm no longer in the mood, and one day later we broke up, because she cheated on me lol.

[ForeverInADay]

One time, I was doing my exin the butt. And she shit on her parents brand new white leather couch. Well, she decided she was going to blame it on the dog, and not clean it up. Her parents came home about 2 hours later and her dad took the dog outside and shot it. Needless to say we're not going out anymore.

Should I even feel bad? I told her to clean it up but she told me it was fine. That story makes me depressed whenever I think about it.
HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA

True or not, that's the funniest thing I've heard this week.

[Jentheoptimist]

People in the chat last night know...
Broke down it goes...
Sex with a friend
Glistening penis
Me wanting cuddle time
Him telling me very mean I need to "wash his dick"
Awkwardness
Friends no longer

[enj0i29]

For real? I can't imagine waking up and being like 'Awww dude'
Yeah, it just doesn't sound very fun. I'd probably have to scream for my mom to help peel me off the sheets.

[ForeverInADay]

No so much embarassing or funny, but more along the lines of extremely painful:

One of my exgirlfriends was terrible at EVERYTHING. She was giving me hand one day and almost tore my dick off because she was pulling too hard and pretty much punched me in the balls at the exact same time. And she used teeth during head. It felt like she was grating my dick like if it were cheese. Needless to say, I broke up with her a week later because I wasn't going through that feeling again.

Call me shallow or whatever, but it was fucking painful.

I had to force myself to fake so many times when I was with her, I feel bad for the dude she's with now, if she is with one.


Awful.

[SquishyKhushie]

haha...awww. Yeah I was with my bf at the time in the shower and his mom knocked on the door and was like "honey did you take Khush home?" and he was like No shes around somewhere. Sex in the shower is AWESOME!

[Crocodile Logic]

haha...awww. Yeah I was with my bf at the time in the shower and his mom knocked on the door and was like "honey did you take Khush home?" and he was like No shes around somewhere. Sex in the shower is AWESOME!
i'm glad you registered in order to let us know this.

[concernedparent]

For real? I can't imagine waking up and being like 'Awww dude'
Yeah it sucks. It takes a while to clean up too, since it's usually still coming out.

[Blake Solomon]

i'm glad you registered in order to let us know this.


haha, my thoughts exactly.

[SquishyKhushie]

i'm glad you registered in order to let us know this.

I didn't. It's just after I registered that was the first thread I saw...I haven't quite figured anything out on this site yet...:unsure:

[enj0i29]

No so much embarassing or funny, but more along the lines of extremely painful:

One of my exgirlfriends was terrible at EVERYTHING. She was giving me hand one day and almost tore my dick off because she was pulling too hard and pretty much punched me in the balls at the exact same time. And she used teeth during head. It felt like she was grating my dick like if it were cheese. Needless to say, I broke up with her a week later because I wasn't going through that feeling again.

Call me shallow or whatever, but it was fucking painful.

I had to force myself to fake so many times when I was with her, I feel bad for the dude she's with now, if she is with one.


Awful.

I feel your pain. My ex used to give such angry hand. The worst thing was she thought it was the best way to tug, hard as hell.

[we are cured]

People in the chat last night know...
Broke down it goes...
Sex with a friend
Glistening penis
Me wanting cuddle time
Him telling me very mean I need to "wash his dick"
Awkwardness
Friends no longer

glistening penis and cuddle time never get along

[ForeverInADay]

I feel your pain. My ex used to give such angry hand. The worst thing was she thought it was the best way to tug, hard as hell.
it felt as if she was in a hole and i sent my dick down as a rope for her to use to climb.

[Crocodile Logic]

I feel your pain. My ex used to give such angry hand. The worst thing was she thought it was the best way to tug, hard as hell.
this is why handjobs are useless and retarded. just masturbate.

[riseagainst89]

i gave my gf 9 orgasms the other day... and we didnt even have sex.

[SquishyKhushie]

i gave my gf 9 orgasms the other day... and we didnt even have sex.

Haha...how did that work??? Please share your secret...

[bobbo8]

No so much embarassing or funny, but more along the lines of extremely painful:

One of my exgirlfriends was terrible at EVERYTHING. She was giving me hand one day and almost tore my dick off because she was pulling too hard and pretty much punched me in the balls at the exact same time. And she used teeth during head. It felt like she was grating my dick like if it were cheese. Needless to say, I broke up with her a week later because I wasn't going through that feeling again.

Call me shallow or whatever, but it was fucking painful.

I had to force myself to fake so many times when I was with her, I feel bad for the dude she's with now, if she is with one.


Awful.
Yeah chicks who give head like a woodchipper deserve to be put through one.

[apoemtothedead]

Red Hot Chili Peppers
The Who
Franz Ferdinand
The Strokes
Kaiser Chiefs
Arctic Monkeys
Placebo
Hard - Fi
Maximo Park
The Magic Numbers
The Proclaimers
Fightstar
Paul Weller
Richard Ashcroft
Goldfrapp
Editors
Pharrell Williams
Feeder
The Zutons
Dirty Pretty Things
The Kooks
We Are Scientists
Delays
Wolfmother



The Charlatans
Primal Scream
The Ordinary Boys The Go! Team
Damian 'jr Gong' Marley
The Futureheads
Kula Shaker
Gomez
Hope Of The States
Guillemots

Sigur Ros
Ben Harper And The Innocent Criminals
Death Cab For Cutie
Clap Your Hands Say Yeah
Jose Gonzalez
The Divine Comedy
Zero 7
The Levellers
Animal Collective

Cosmic Rough Riders
¡forward Russia! The Automatic
Pretty Girls Make Graves Milburn
Winner.

[riseagainst89]

Haha...how did that work??? Please share your secret...


it wasnt to hard just accomplished it through out the day... first i fingered her gave her 3 than i ate her out gave her 2... than later fingered her agian she had 2... than dry humped she got 1 fingered her agian she got another 1.... it was something like that i know she had 9 and thats all we did she also said i gave her the longest on she had ever had so i felt pretty good about that.

[enj0i29]

it wasnt to hard just accomplished it through out the day... first i fingered her gave her 3 than i ate her out gave her 2... than later fingered her agian she had 2... than dry humped she got 1 fingered her agian she got another 1.... it was something like that i know she had 9 and thats all we did she also said i gave her the longest on she had ever had so i felt pretty good about that.

Props.

[enj0i29]

this is why handjobs are useless and retarded. just masturbate.

well, most of the time we'd be watching a movie and she'd reach down there. I wasn't about to tell her to stop, and that was a big mistake.

[matt_rawlings]

Fact - 9 out of 10 girls cannot give hand for shit. 3 have tried with me, all have failed.

[enj0i29]

Fact - 9 out of 10 girls cannot give hand for shit. 3 have tried with me, all have failed.

That's such a sad fact. There are like millions of articles out there, especially in those cosmo's and such about having great sex and oral and such.

I think I'll go read a cosmo to see if I'm right

[matt_rawlings]

That's such a sad fact. There are like millions of articles out there, especially in those cosmo's and such about having great sex and oral and such.

I think I'll go read a cosmo to see if I'm right

Cosmo is so full of shit.

"OMG girlz, you should totaly not give your guys sex and make them beg. Then, tease them with shitty handjobs and woodchipper blow jobs! Then tell them they aren't allowed to hang out with their friends and make constant jibes about the music they listen to etc"

[ForeverInADay]

Cosmo is so full of shit.

"OMG girlz, you should totaly not give your guys sex and make them beg. Then, tease them with shitty handjobs and woodchipper blow jobs! Then tell them they aren't allowed to hang out with their friends and make constant jibes about the music they listen to etc"
hahahahahahahaha i could totally see that.

[i like guitars]

i stuck it in and when i pulled out there was blood on my cock

[zizou1790]

ugh. i was hitting it doggystyle one time and all of a sudden i smelled something. real bad. thats all ill say.


disgusting

[catscradle]

No so much embarassing or funny, but more along the lines of extremely painful:

One of my exgirlfriends was terrible at EVERYTHING. She was giving me hand one day and almost tore my dick off because she was pulling too hard and pretty much punched me in the balls at the exact same time. And she used teeth during head. It felt like she was grating my dick like if it were cheese. Needless to say, I broke up with her a week later because I wasn't going through that feeling again.

Call me shallow or whatever, but it was fucking painful.

I had to force myself to fake so many times when I was with her, I feel bad for the dude she's with now, if she is with one.


Awful.
call me retarded or whatnot, but how does a guy fake an orgasm during oral sex or a handjob?





just wondering.

[ForeverInADay]

i stuck it in and when i pulled out there was blood on my cock
hahahaha ew.

[enj0i29]

call me retarded or whatnot, but how does a guy fake an orgasm during oral sex or a handjob?





just wondering.

Maybe just making noises indicating he likes it.

[enj0i29]

Cosmo is so full of shit.

"OMG girlz, you should totaly not give your guys sex and make them beg. Then, tease them with shitty handjobs and woodchipper blow jobs! Then tell them they aren't allowed to hang out with their friends and make constant jibes about the music they listen to etc"

I suppose you're right. Fuck Cosmo.

[kewlerAbsoluteP]

theres nothing worse then mine....i dont think anyone can top..farting when their bf is the middle of fingering you

we had to stop just to laugh and hes never let me live it down yet
That sounds a little erotic in the heat of passion. As long as it wasn't a deadly one. What happened next LOL

[kewlerAbsoluteP]

Whether or not it happened doing stuff with someone or anything remotely sexual, what is your worst secual encounter?
Well not exactly that racey but it fits well here. I went to this bar, fairly tanked, with some of my friends and I saw what I thought was a cute girl and started dancing with her. Like "I like it when you do that funny shake" heehee. "What a hottee I think she likes me, burp" After taking a break, my "friends", eagerly pointed out that this girl is really a guy! Ummm in my blurry vision I looked a little closer. Something fell to the floor and wilted away, never to be seen again. I always say hey that was a girl when they say something but I think it really was a guy with long hair and a lot of make up. I never lived that one down either. It was a long time ago but the encounter will always haunt me....

[kewlerAbsoluteP]

Me too. I just look at a hot girl and she gets off when she notices I'm looking at her and then she doens't even want to talk to me! She had her fun already and geeze I don't even get anything out of it. Oh well the price I have to pay for being such a handsome stud....I'm such a hottie and I never get laid...because of the fantasy mind fuck o... you know how it goes. Now I'm starting to be reminded of my plight, darn it. Excuse me I have to go to the bathroom now...the price I have to pay for having such a hot butt....

[kewlerAbsoluteP]

Agreed. Especially if they are blond and have fat butt then forget it Matt, you probably already know this.

[kewlerAbsoluteP]

You must of really turned her on.

[kewlerAbsoluteP]

she forgot to take out her tampon the month before...oh no!!!!! Mommy my weewee has deflated forever wawa and you started regressing because of tramitic event...This reminds me of that movie in Apochalypse now....the horror.......the horror...and that song that goes ooh that smell the smell that surrounds you....such a fool,such a fool, such a fool... U peeU!

[cuetheflames]

as a result of going to the Taking Back Sunday show earlier this week ive already been hit on by two gay kids on myspace that saw me there.

[cuetheflames]

You must of really turned her on.

quote button?

[ThirdTimeAround]

she forgot to take out her tampon the month before...oh no!!!!! Mommy my weewee has deflated forever wawa and you started regressing because of tramitic event...This reminds me of that movie in Apochalypse now....the horror.......the horror...and that song that goes ooh that smell the smell that surrounds you....such a fool,such a fool, such a fool... U peeU!

Excuse me?

[headclub]

so this one time, i'm eating my ex out...she was a virgin...so yea, i eat her out and finger her and shit, then she is done and she gives me head...then we lay in bed because she didnt want to have sex. she turns to me, looks me in the eyes, and just whispers "it felt like someone was slamming pancakes in me"

i was holding back my laughter...that was so weird

[Apocalypse Now]

I don't really have any, because i'm a virgin, but my friend Keith told me a few, so I'll tell you guys those, because they're...well they're bad.

He and his girlfriend were making out, and he started to finger her. Unbeknownst to him, it was her time of the month, so when he pulled his fingers out, after feeling something weird and gooey, his fingers were covered in blood. He can't get barbecue sauce or ketchup or anything red really, without wanting to puke.

Another time he accidentally came inside of her, without a condom, so they tried to clean out the splooge with napkins. I guess it worked, but I laughed my ass off when I heard that.

Don't ask me why he tells me this stuff, he just does.

[ForeverInADay]

so this one time, i'm eating my ex out...she was a virgin...so yea, i eat her out and finger her and shit, then she is done and she gives me head...then we lay in bed because she didnt want to have sex. she turns to me, looks me in the eyes, and just whispers "it felt like someone was slamming pancakes in me"

i was holding back my laughter...that was so weird
hahaha what the fuck?

Why pancakes?

[Apocalypse Now]

so this one time, i'm eating my ex out...she was a virgin...so yea, i eat her out and finger her and shit, then she is done and she gives me head...then we lay in bed because she didnt want to have sex. she turns to me, looks me in the eyes, and just whispers "it felt like someone was slamming pancakes in me"

i was holding back my laughter...that was so weird

That's like a Dane Cook "my dick feels like corn" moment.

[ThirdTimeAround]

"Slip N Slide" is my favorite Dane Cook skit.